New Orleans, LA — In a shocking postgame statement, LSU coach Les Miles vowed to let his players take the BCS trophy "on the road"—and share it with every university which might have claim to it.
A stunned NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman responded by telephone from his home.
"We've had the market cornered on this kind of thing for years with the Stanley Cup," Bettman said. "We sort of look at that as intellectual property, as much as you can have intellectual property in the NHL."
Miles, for his part, was undeterred in justifying his decision to take the trophy on tour.
"I heard some comments on ESPN from that Chris, what the hell's his name—you know, the guy who went to Colorado and got all pissy about Oklahoma belonging in the BCS game against USC because OU beat Colorado and Auburn only beat Tennessee," the coach said in a press conference. "Anyway, he was yakking on and on about some playoff system and how USC would love to be in there 'cause they're the best team in the country. So we're taking this thing on the road and sharing it with anybody who thinks they deserve a piece in order to curb animosity amongst the good fans of college football."
Miles went on to lay out a detailed itinerary for the contested piece of hardware.
"We've got Matt Flynn on a plane to Los Angeles tomorrow morning," Miles said. "We hope to get a pep rally going out that way—you know, pass it around to the students and let them party with it.
"Glenn Dorsey takes the handoff from there, and he's on his way to Kansas, where I think they're hosting a big barbecue. They do love their beef up that way.
"Things get a little tight after that. Early Doucet heads off to Athens; I think there's a big R.E.M. reunion for that one. Never woulda guessed Early was such a big fan. He's pretty stoked about jamming with Michael Stipe. Rumor has it the B-52's and Devo might show.
"Then Craig Steltz heads up to West Virginia, where I think he's got a hot tub thing going over at Snowshoe. I'm definitely making that one right after we rap up the R.E.M. show and somebody gets the trophy off the tour bus. Talk about losing my religion! Probably won't be the only pineapple in the tub!"
Miles did, however, express some concerns.
"Some of the players are worried about getting busted traveling with the thing now that Chevis Jackson pointed out it looks like some kind of bizarre drug paraphernalia," he said. "I don't think we can drink a beer out of it like they do over in the NHL, 'cause it's not a cup or a bowl or anything like that.
"Which kind of gave us a strange thought—what happens in Columbia, Missouri stays in Columbia, Missouri. Let's just say that won't be HGH in there. We're hoping to get Jacob Hester back from that one with his marriage intact."
Saying it was his intention to include every deserving university, Miles has put the LSU media department on overtime, possibly through April, to handle any and all requests for appearances.
"We'll party 'till the money runs out," said an increasingly wild-eyed Miles. "Then we'll bum some cash off the basketball team and party some more!"