Arsenal-Tottenham: A Girl's Version

Michelle AlvesSenior Writer ISeptember 18, 2008

Dear Diary,

Today, I was forced by my friends to watch football. The game was played between Lickmyarsenal and Tootieham... or something like that. Stupid names are hard to remember.

So first, the fat dude in black blew his whistle and Oh My God, why would anyone spend 90 minutes running around in circles not allowed to touch the ball and yelling at players? Why doesn’t someone just kick him in the you-know-what? He’s annoying.

There was this guy, you know, farting gas or fabulous gas... something similar. Anyhow, he was quite hot! Him and this other Van something.

Where the hell do they come up with these names? Van?? Couldn’t his parents name him Zack or something more normal? It’s like giving him a push in the jolly direction. No wonder he plays for a team with the word "arse" in it.

Anyhow, I decided to side lick my Arsenal because the players were very attractive. Tootieham played well. Well that’s what the very talky dude on the microphone said. Really, I don’t see the point in football, it’s just kicking a ball around for 90 minutes, at least take off your shirts to make it more interesting.

Some of the guys had really hairy legs, why can’t they shave? They’re on television for God’s sake!

I think Tootieham lost, I didn’t bother asking. I was too pissed off because they removed Van boy. Van pire! How cool, he should call himself that!  Now I wouldn’t get to see him shirtless. Football sucks.

Dude, so who was that old guy who sat on the bench looking all nervous and grumpy? The camera man kept showing his face. Seriously, wonder what got in his pants. Probably nothing, that’s why he’s so jumpy.

So here’s what I think about football: There are no shirtless men and lots of hairy legs. If I wanted to bore myself, I’d stare at walls. Without the ball it would just be 22 people running around, kicking each other! Seriously, I’ve got better things to do than watch that.

What a waste of 90 minutes, I demand a refund in cash.