Al Davis Fires Chauffer, Manicurist, and Rogaine Supplier

Aaron LiebmanAnalyst ISeptember 17, 2008

Raiders coach Lane Kiffin has been on the hot seat even when it was still cold.  But what do you expect being an employee of Al Davis?  Since Jon Gruden resigned from the Raiders to coach Tampa Bay in 2002, the franchise has had four different coaches, and since 2003, a collective record of 19-61.  The team for all decades suddenly became the team that would lose double digit games every year.


In 2006, Art Shell was re-hired after being fired in 1994.  Optimism returned to the Bay Area.  Unfortunately, so did losing.  Art Shell was fired again, this time just after one season.  Current coach Lane Kiffin seemed ready to follow after just one season, but inexplicably returned.  Perhaps no one else would work for Davis. 


But after Oakland’s opening night debacle against Denver, the gallows have been prepared for Kiffin.  In fact, there was preparation for his dismissal as soon as after last weekend’s game.  Luckily for Kiffin, the team played against the Kansas City Chiefs.  After a 23-8 victory, Kiffin seems to have secured his job for now.


But this was still Al Davis, a man who has fired more people than Donald Trump.  So, to compensate for not firing his head coach, Davis sprung into action. 


On Monday he had an appointment at a hair stylist, so he decided to fire everyone associated with that.  First to go was his driver, since he was the first person he saw that morning.  After the chauffer drove him to the beauty parlor, he received a manicure, and promptly fired him.  Finally, he got his latest package of Rogaine, and well, goodbye.


So what is the motive behind this?  I recently caught up with Davis at his home after he had finished firing his dog walker.  The first thing he said to me was shocking. 


“I really hate the Raiders,” Davis said.  Shocked, I listened in more.  “We had the chance to show up that traitor Jon Gruden in the Super Bowl, and blew it.  How could we lose to the Buccaneers?  They suck!  So, from then on, I decided to destroy the team that had just embarrassed me.” 


In front of his shrine of “The Simpsons” character Mr. Burns, he went on to say, “Usually a coach doesn’t really turn a team around until his third year.  To prevent that, I’ve made sure that every coach since Gruden has only had two years.  But after Norv Turner was able to find himself another job after having been fired by me right away, I had to shorten that.”


The interview was then cut short as Davis had to have someone change his diaper and feed him his prune juice.  Of course, as I left, I saw those same employees leave behind me, carrying all of there belongings with them.  It seems that Al Davis would fire Jesus Christ Himself if given the chance.  But what else would you expect from the NFL’s antichrist?