BILL BELICHICK COACH OF THE YEAR
Must have been his dapper sense of sartorial style or general likability that put him over the top.
DAKAR 400 CANCELED DUE TO TERROR THREAT
Too bad...because that might have been more entertaining.
"French car No. 4 is in the lead...(ka-BOOM)...wait, we have a change at the top of the leaderboard!"
CONGRESS SUMMONS CLEMENS TO TESTIFY
Because we just can't get enough of the steroid thing....and since we face no bigger problems as a nation...by all means let's throw a few more hundred thousand dollars worth of time at the juice crusade.
Who benefits from this constant legal crap? Hmmm, right on the tip of my tongue—oh yeah...LAWYERS!
GEORGE MITCHELL INVESTIGATES MY APARTMENT
Now that his report on baseball is finished, the obviously bored former Senator has time to try to find out why my place smells like feet and ass.
MARLINS SIGN JORGE CANTU
Print up those World Series Tickets, Florida!
NFL TEAMS THINK ABOUT HAVING PLAYERS KILLED
Impressed by the emotion and team-bonding engendered by the death of Sean Taylor, other NFL teams are beginning to consider bumping off expendable players.
First ones to come to mind: the kicker, a practice squad guy, the third-string quarterback, or Bill Romanowski. Or maybe the mascot. There are WAY too many of these geeks around.
By the way, we know you have a hidden section in the felt that you can see out of—so quit pretending you're a big head, a big cat, or a leprechaun!