The FA have today submitted a lengthy dossier to UEFA HQ in Nyon, Switzerland. The content of said dossier is said to attempt to convince UEFA that the Champions League Final in Moscow earlier this year should be replayed.

The FA are said to be unhappy that John Terry missed his penalty, thus denying Chelsea the win that the FA believe the Stamford Bridge club deserved. The main strand of their article appears to be that it was raining, therefore creating a slippery playing surface which caused John Terry's crucial slip as he missed the decisive penalty.

For this reason the FA are also appealing to God to halt his downpours for future Chelsea games. They have even offered sacrifices to the Egyptian Goddess of Rain, Tefnut. The sacrifices are thought to be the title hopes of Manchester United, Liverpool, and Arsenal.

The appeal to UEFA is part of the FA new Respect (Chelsea) campaign and their new iniative with European Football's governing body, whereby Chelsea get what they like, when they like. Suggested names for the new scheme include Roman Rules and the slightly less catchy Royal Society for the Protection of Chelsea's Cups (RSPCC—naturally Chelsea will pay no attention to the fact that the abbreviation already exists.)

Further re-matches are expected. Tottenham may be forced to replay their Carling Cup Final as Chelsea claim that the scorer of the winning goal, Jonathan Woodgate, must have been taking a banned substance.

They believe this because Woodgate's previous injury history suggests it would be impossible for him to play so well for so long without the presence of performance enhancing drugs. Chelsea also have doubts as to Ledley King's integrity.

Naturally, the FA are ready to back Chelsea up.

However, perhaps the most intriguing development surrounds Robinho. The FA are not happy that he transferred to Manchester City, and are insisting that the Eastlands' Club sell the Brazilian forward to Chelsea for half the price they bought him.

This, again, is part of the FA's Respect (Chelsea) campaign, where they are advocating the need for Chelsea to win the Quadruple this season. This would also ruin Manchester United's record-breaking Treble winning season.

But then the FA have never been scared of upsetting Manchester United, particularly when the consequences benefit Roman Abramovich, Chelsea, and the East End of London's renowned gangsters the Gay Twins; JT and Fat Frank.

Disclaimer: The contents of this article are probably not true!

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