This article is not intended to offend Manchester United fans. However, If I succeed in doing so then that it is bonus!
This is a light hearted view of why I dislike Manchester United.
Saying that, Manure fans tend to get a bit tetchy so I very much look forward to being called a name or two.
So where do you begin with an article like this? There are literally millions of reasons to hate Manchester United. I would need a publisher and a wrist support to list them all. That being said I will keep it down to just 10,000. I mean 10.
1. Old Trafford
Fair enough it is a decent ground. I was fairly impressed the first time I had to visit. But the Theatre of Dreams??? There is nothing worse then somebody giving themselves a nickname, imagine if one of your friends suddenly started asking you to call him Eagle or Mr Love, you would hate him.
Make no mistake about it, this sickening nickname was not given by a neutral fan, it was given by some sad little man trying to compensate for the fact that the ground, even with its huge capacity, has no real atmosphere.
2. Come On You Reds
This abomination of a pop record was released in 1995 I think. It mixed Manchester United with Status quo...Surely that is enough. Highlights from this musical gem include the lyrics, "Come on you reds, come on you reds, just keep your bottle and use your heads" and "So Old Trafford let us hear you loud.Sing us on and we will do you proud".
Its sickening. The Anfield Rap was also a terrible song, but at least John Barnes rapping was funny!
3. Mr Ferguson's Timekeeping Skills
Mr Ferguson last year had the balls to note that Arsenal seemed to score a lot of goals late on in games. I seem to remember when Utd won one of their first championships that Steve Bruce scored a winning goal on the Monday morning after a Saturday kick-off, such was the amount of injury time.
Seriously, people have died waiting for Utd games to finish, the only reason ticket prices are so high at Old Trafford is that you are guaranteed 15 minutes extra football every game.
Unless they are winning of course, in which the whistle is usually blown around the 87th minute mark.
The only Utd merchandise i have ever bought is Manchester Utd official toilet paper...for obvious reasons.
I will give one example of why I hate the Manchester Utd merchandise machine. I live in Thailand, where they have a strong love of their King. People purchase yellow polo shirts with the Kings crest to show their love. I was looking at one such polo shirt in a shop a while back. The shirt was indistinguishable from all over polo shirts apart from one small detail. The label read an official Manchester United product...now not much can make me surprised about Utd—but cashing in on a nations love for its monarch takes the piss!
5. The Kits
Its common nowadays for teams to have a few different strips, however it was Utd I think who first had the idea of a European away fourth choice reserve goalkeeping commemorative left sock, only to be used when playing teams from the Balkan states idea, in order to cash in with gullible fans.
Look for it on Ebay, its right next to the Wayne Rooney hairgrow products and Gary Neville's razors, the ones that don't quite manage to shave of your stupid rat tash.
6. Penalty Decisions
I once saw the Neville brothers kick a player to the ground in the penalty box and repeatedly punch the man in the face. He was booked for diving. Okay, okay, I may be exaggerating a little, but you have to admit that referees get very nervous and seem to forget how to make decisions when near the penalty area at Old Trafford.
Fair enough, Bestie and Robson deserve a little respect. But Cantona and in particular Ronaldo are arrogant scum bags. Neither come close to Best's talent and both acted like they were the greatest thing to have happened to the club.
When you're not even the greatest player to grace your own number you should probably be a little more humble.
8. The FA Cup
The fact that Utd pulled out of the Cup is shocking in itself. The fact that they did it as holders makes it worse. No bigger blow has been landed to the most famous cup competition in the world. Make no mistake about it, Utd's decision to play in some mickey mouse competition was motivated purely by greed. They did it to sell shirts.
I was delighted when they got soundly hammered by the champions of Panama or whoever it was beat them.
9. Three European Cups
I dislike the number three. I mean, it's just not five is it.
10. Gary Neville
I could write a list like this purely on Gary Neville. I hate the man. He is a good footballer. But I hate the man.
I hate his 1980's hairdo, I hate his rat tash, I hate his complete lack of personality, I hate his brother. I even hate his sister because she shares the same surname as him. I especially hate his dad because he has the word Neville in his name...twice!
So there we have it. I await your positive feedback!