Lance Armstrong, Can't You Please Stay Retired?

But you are a gunslinger from the Lone Star state, taking over the Texan throne that Roger Clemens vacated when he decided to let dudes stick needles in his butt.

You and Beverly Hills go together as well as Shannon Doherty and the 21st century. At least she’ll always have Scare Tactics to fall back on. Nope, wait, that’s hosted by Tracy Morgan now. Dang, things really aren’t looking up for ShanDo.

So c’mon Lance, who do you think you are? Batman?

It’s been argued that the greatest graphic novel of all-time is Frank Miller’s The Dark Knight Returns. Are you telling that you could be a retired, mid-50s Batman, still reeling from Robin’s untimely demise but forcing yourself to face the Joker one last time?

Actually, that may work—you’ve vanquished the French seven times now, so what harm is there in going for an eighth?

But here’s the thing, Lance—in TDKR, Batman’s hand is forced, and the Joker doesn’t quite make it. Are you implying you’d like to go mano-a-mano with French president Nicolas Sarkozy? I’m no bookie, but when a guy like Sarkozy can bed Carla Bruni, he probably has a few tricks up his sleeve.

I’ll ask you one last time, Lance: Who do you think you are? Georgian territorial integrity? I guess you’ve both been in the news recently, but really, how could you possibly compare yourself to a former Soviet Bloc?

I don’t see you being trampled by Russian tanks. I don’t see Russian troops giving illegal passports or non-native currency to your breakaway provinces. And while you both have a fierce independent streak, I don’t think Georgian president Mikheil Saakashvili’s eyes are nearly as blue as yours.

So Lance, even after all these comparisons, you’re telling me you still want to come out of retirement, crushing the dreams of those who thought a superstar might, for once, actually stay retired?

Well, that’s just nuts.

(Oh, sorry—nut.)

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