Dear Roger Clemens,
It was good to hear from you. Where have you been—and what took you so long?
I was starting to think we were doomed to continue our relationship solely via your agent and attorney. I’m glad you’ve finally resurfaced to clear the air.
After all, we’ve missed you.
Now I’m sure you’re looking a little yellow lately, and dealing with high blood pressure—in anticipation of your upcoming 60 Minutes appearance, of course, not from the side effects of, well...
I bet you’re feeling some rage coming on too—from all those "false" accusations as opposed to...
No need to worry, my friend—I’m sure your 60 Minutes spot will persuade the world that you are indeed innocent. People just don’t understand that hard work and dedication can counteract all logic, and have provided you with the edge you needed to actually get BETTER in your 40s.
You have nothing to worry about, Roger. I’m just glad you’re okay.
By the way—did you get that email I forwarded you about Cialis to help with your little (pun intended) problem we discussed recently? I’m sure it’s no big deal (pun intended)—nothing a little pill won’t fix, in as little as 30 minutes for some men...and it works up to 36 hours, so you can be ready when the moment is right.
I know it seems like you have the world on your large, acne-scarred, shoulders, Roger. But you need to have some faith.
Come Sunday I’m sure, your saying things like you "swear" you didn’t take steroids or HGH will clear your name. I’m sure your explanation about how a trained professional, with nothing to lose by telling the truth but everything to lose by lying, somehow has a fuzzy recollection as to what he actually injected you with way back when.
Oh, and one more thing—don’t worry about Brian McNamee’s lawyers' threatening to sue you for the defamation of their client.
They’re just threatening to do what anyone who’s been falsely accused of something would do.
All the best from your loyal fans,
Victor Conte, and Syringe Manufacturers Worldwide
Dear Roger Clemens,