WWE: Nexus? The Corre? Royal Rumble? We Still Have Bigger Issues (satire)

Nick BolyardContributor IIIJanuary 21, 2011

The Greatest Champion of All Time: David Arquette
The Greatest Champion of All Time: David Arquette

Well, well, well it's been awhile since I've last wrote an article.  To be honest, most of my work is full of sarcasm and Star Wars references, but too bad.  You will read this and like it. 

With all this talk about the new Nexus, the Corre and the upcoming Royal Rumble it seems quite a few issues have been overlooked by fans.  Now I am not talking about the WWE/World titles or anything like that.  I am talking about major problems in WWE programming right now.  Let's get the ball rollin'!

Ted DiBiase and Maryse

I don't care that they are fighting.  I just wanna know when Maryse is back on the market (I know they aren't really a couple, but let me dream...jerks).  They constantly bicker, now while I'd like to see love triumph, I would honestly like to see Maryse get back in the Diva's title hunt and DiBiase not look like what Santino used to be.

I propose this: Break them up, I'll manage (with benefits) Maryse and DiBiase can go do whatever he wants.  Truthfully, I once saw a lot of potential in the "Priceless One," but now I just don't know.

The Raw GM

No, not that we still don't know who it is or that it's annoying and a computer.  I am more worried about the computers man-crush on Michael Cole.  The other week the computer said how much he admired Cole and thought he was handsome.

While the GM is still a secret, the secret's secret is now out of the email closet.  I can see a Billy and Chuck scenario playing out with Cole marrying the computer over AOL Instant Messenger.  I am concerned that there may be some serious Facebook Super Poking going on between the two backstage.  Yikes!


Why is this show still on?  That is all.

Put an APB Out for Zack Ryder

I am suffering a Vitamin Z deficiency. We need the entertaining styling of Long Island Iced-Z, Zack Ryder.  While he is basically the John Cena of WWE Superstars (except he is entertaining and can wrestle and doesn't do crappy movies like The Marine and Fred the Movie), we need him on Monday Nights.

If Zack Ryder were feuding with Nexus, that crap would have been over with in July.  Sadly, Ryder won't win the Rumble, but I do like the former No. 1 Contender's chances at Elimination Chamber.  I dare to dream.  WOO WOO WOO, YOU KNOW IT!


Sadly, I read something that says Captain Charisma will not be back for the Rumble.  They might as well cancel it, because the main attraction is gone.  This may be the biggest issue in professional wrestling today.  Without Christian, we may be doomed to see Superman or The Chaperon win again.  So we get to listen to riveting, clearly scripted speeches or a guy who sounds like he is gargling Drain-O.  We need Christian, that's the bottom line.  Hopefully these reports are just a bunch of BS, because I need a reason to watch SmackDown.  

The Royal Rumble

Okay, I know I implied I wasn't going to write about the Rumble, but I thought I'd throw a prediction in anyway (you're welcome).  40 men, the biggest Rumble ever!  The winner will be: DAVID ARQUETTE!!!!  The former WCW World Champion will headline WrestleMania and recapture his former glory.

It will likely be a Triple Cage Match against Zack Ryder and the world will be in awe as the two juggernauts of sport-entertainment duke it out.  If all else fails, Arquette can just end the Undertaker's streak.  DAVID ARQUETTE: FUTURE CHAMPION AND HALL OF FAMER!

Well, that's enough of my incoherent babbling for one article.  Thanks for reading and feel free to comment below.  And for those who even bothered reading, the first word in this is "SATIRE" which means it is meant as a joke or to be funny.  Now I doubt you read this far either because you just see something you didn't like and had to put in your idiotic two cents, but just in case i say this "IT IS MEANT TO BE A JOKE, YOU STUPID STUPIDFACE"!  Thanks again!