Kim Clijsters and The 25 Biggest Bellies in Sports
Kim Clijsters has a belly.
This is different than a stomach or a six-pack. It is a cute little protrusion that affects many of us here in the states, including myself. But what separates Kim is her ability to play at the top of her game with the little bit of extra poundage.
But Kim is not the only one to play her sport with a few extra cans of Coors hiding under her shirt. No, the sports world is filled with those that continue to amaze us with their feats of athletic ability while reminding us that it's almost lunch time.
So here is to the best athletes in the world. These are the ones that look just like us mortal folk. These are the cats that make us believe we could go out and do the same thing they are doing. Let me stop you before you try. You can not.
25. Kim Clijsters
Kim Clijsters is not fat. Let's get that out of the way straight off. But she has that body type where you stare at her for a while and think, "Damn, is she fat?"
This has gotten even the most tennis centric announcers in some trouble. Todd Woodbridge, tennis commentator, was recently called out by Clijsters for his text asking another tennis player if Kim was pregnant. You guessed it. She is not.
So there you go, Clijsters is not pregnant. She just looks like it. Kind of like me.
There is the Ronaldo that makes women swoon. His name is Cristiano and he plays for a top club, Real Madrid. Then there is the fat one.
It is amazing that he can still run the field for 90 minutes a game. I am guessing 45 minutes of those is wasted flopping to the ground.
23. Albert Haynesworth
If you are wondering why Haynesworth looks out of breath even when he is being relegated to the bench, its because he is fat.
I don't mind saying that to ol' Al because he is also a mean person who stomps on heads. So I say to you here and now: Albert Haynesworth is fat.
22. Shaquille O'Neal
Shaq likes to fluctuate in weight. Mostly he is fit the next season after Kobe wins a title. I guess that is something of a diet plan. For his health, I hope the Lakers get another one this year.
When he was in Phoenix, he rocked a nice looking gut. Have a Twinkie, Shaq, you look hungry.
21. Eddy Curry
This is Eddy Curry after finding out he missed his chance at the seasonal McRib sandwich. I now know why Nat Robinson left New York. He was in constant danger of being sat on by Curry.
Eddy Curry has every fat man's dream. He gets to sit around and collect a pay check with minimal effort. I just wish Isiah Thomas was still the GM. Maybe then I would have a chance at getting signed.
20. Jared Lorenzen
The Pillsbury Throwboy defied all odds by becoming an NFL quarterback and looking like a normal human being, after a two-year bender.
Lorenzen was a bulky lefty that could actually throw the ball with some depth and precision. He is the one person that made me think that I could be an NFL quarterback. Before that, I thought you had to be in shape.
19. Andre Smith
If you see this image coming at you, run. There is something very bad approaching.
Andre Smith is not the most svelte of football players. He will not be doing any retirement modeling or anything like that. But he has no qualms about going shirtless to get a little more aerodynamic.
On second thought, the local Costco Warehouse is more aerodynamic than this guy.
18. Stan Van Gundy
Ah yes, the man so handsome he is related to Ron Jeremy. SVG has such a big gut that he refuses to wear a tie. It is not possible for him to wear one and still remain conscious.
If I were him, I would be quite upset that his brother Belky, I mean Jeff, got the good genes.
17. Mo Vaughn
Mo Vaughn's belly seemed to get bigger with every new team he went to. By the time he went to the Mets, he was dangerously close to bursting into labor and having a tinier, albeit handsome, baby Vaughn.
Let us have a moment of silence for Vaughn's belt that was sadly fighting a losing battle.
16. Shaun Rogers
Shaun Rogers carries a great many trips to the buffet cart right in front of him. I can't imagine why the NFL hasn't mandated Rogers get his belly a number all its own.
It must suck for offensive linemen to block out what is the equivalent of a house with legs.
15. Vince Wilfork
This man should be named Vince Wilshovel. There is no way he uses a dainty utensil like a fork in his meals.
This is yet another example of strange body types becoming Pro Bowl players with the Patriots. I want some of whatever they are drinking.
14. CC Sabathia
Memo to Sabathia, you should probably be able to see more of your belt than this. The man is my personal hero for being able to fan hitters at an astonishing clip while rocking a beer belly.
Rumor has it that if you rub that thing an Angel gets its wings.
13. Oliver Miller
Oliver Miller never played defense so much so as he just took up vital space in the paint. Rumor has it that he needed two seats on the bench. One for him and one for his epic tummy.
How I miss watching him trail a fast break 45 minutes after it occurred.
12. Pablo Sandoval
All you have to know is that his nickname was given for his resemblance to a fat animated Panda. I have to say I marvel that he is able to handle the hot corner the way he does.
It always amazes me that he can run down bunts and throw the runner out without eating the ball. Applause is definitely in order.
11. Prince Fielder
It is a widely held belief that Prince Fielder's uniform could clothe the homeless population. So I ask politely that Prince stop mashing home runs and donate his jerseys to charity.
The fact that he can get to some of the gappers at first base is amazing. There is no way I could get off the couch if I rocked that tummy. Oh, right. I do.
10. John Kruk
John Kruk is fighting a losing battle. He had a huge belly when he was playing. Now it is just insane. The ESPN Baseball Tonight analyst is a godsend.
Anytime I am watching, I am reminded to fill my day with more than just trips to the fridge. He is my motivation to go for some mid-day walks. That is one reason I watch the MLB Network.
9. Charles Barkley
Charles retired and then went a little over board on the letting himself go aspect of not working. He has lost weight recently, but his belly still reigns as one of the most glorious to mark the sports world.
This is proof positive that you cannot subsist on golf, beer and chicken wings alone. You must rotate a carrot in there from time to time.
8. David Wells
Here is my beef with David Wells. He is totally stomping on the notion that pinstripes are supposed to be slimming.
It looks like they got Babe Ruth's size and doubled it. But man, could that guy paint the corners.
7. Tony Siragusa
The only time you have to worry about things being utterly wrong is when Tony Siragusa is not sweating. This guy looks like he is being interrogated for high treason under some very hot lights.
The man has always rocked a huge belly. Which is good because his sweaters can double as bed sheets for elephants. If that is ever needed, that is.
6. Andy Reid
There is a little known epidemic striking fear in NFL officials. Something needs to be done right away. It seems they are running out of sideline space for Andy Reid's belly.
I don't know how Bill Belichick and Mike Tomlin do it. I was under the belief that all NFL coaches had to rock a grand looking belly. I guess I am wrong.
5. John Daly
If you are ever in an argument that golf is a sport, you can use John Daly as an example why it is not. I just don't think Chris Farley should be collecting a check on the Tour is all.
Daly has lost weight in recent months which make me a very sad panda. But in my heart, I know sport's favorite hedonist will go back to his days of women, alcohol and buffets.
4. Rex Ryan
If anyone is missing a large baby, Rex Ryan might have eaten it. This guy has never met a combo meal he didn't super size. "He is fat" is the main point I am trying to get to here.
I have to think the Ryan's in conjunction with their love of feet have also a passion for distended midsections. If so, Sexy Rexy is the Justin Timberlake of that fetish.
3. William Perry
If you are nicknamed after an appliance that takes up a big chunk of space in your house, chances are you are big. It just so happens that Perry is huge.
He has a legendary sized belly. The only way for him to know the colors of his shoes is if you tell him.
2. Roy Nelson
Please don't let this picture fool you. Roy Nelson is indeed fat.
The MMA fighter has somehow found a way to be completely overweight and still win some fights. If you use your GPS, you can plug in Nelson's gut and it will lead you there.
1. Emanuel Yarbrough
I am sure the moniker "Tiny" is meant to be ironic. The only thing Yarbrough is tiny next to is a cement mixer.
The sumo wrestler has by far the biggest belly in the sports world. He makes the 10 pounds you gained during the holidays all the more manageable.