In life, there are those who refuse to live by the natural order of things. There are those who refuse to accept the hand that fate has dealt them. There are those who battle terminal diseases with every fiber of their being.

There are those who work and study to succeed and achieve the ideals of the American dream. And there are those who refuse to accept that they are horse s**t football teams and set out to win a game.

The Oakland Raiders are one such team.

Defying critics and Vegas odds-makers alike, the Oakland Raiders took the field on Sunday, Sept. 14 against their bitter rivals, the Kansas City Chiefs. They could have rolled over and died as they have done so often. They could have broken the wills of their strongest players in the tradition of Warren Sapp and Randy Moss.

No, not this time. This time the Raiders took the field and said, “We think we might be able to win. Maybe we can act like professionals and fulfill the dreams of our fans, who really have nothing better going for them.”

On that fateful day, after winning 23-8, the Raiders of Oakland came home victorious to their wives, girlfriends, mistresses, and parole officers. Now it’s time to party.

In a strange twist that few could have predicted, the Oakland Raiders have elected to forfeit the remainder of their season in celebration of the win that no one thought they would get.

A very inebriated representative of the team attempted to form sentences and explain the rationale for the unprecedented move.

“Listen...we suck. We know it. We didn’t think that we were going to pull this one off. But f**k if we didn’t. Now we’re going to party!

"We figure that if we forfeit the rest of the season, we are going out on a high note. I mean, if we forfeit, then we really didn’t lose the game. We get to go out higher than we have gone since before we made Tampa the best team in the world.

"F***ing Buccaneers and their stupid puffy shirts.”

Initial reports are that several Woodstock-like parties have already sprung up around the Bay Area. Police and law enforcement offices have not yet taken steps to prevent the inevitable spread of the parties, but are a bit concerned that since the majority of Raiders fans don’t have anywhere to be Monday morning, these parties could ride well into the first of the month.

It has been rumored that local stores have ordered large quantities of lead-based face paint. Evidently the hope is that in a frenzy to remain in character, Raiders fans will apply anything colored black and silver to their bodies. The lead-based paint will clog their pores, slowly asphyxiating them and lulling them into an alcohol-like, but surprisingly painful, coma.

At this moment, special interest groups are yet to object to the tactic, as it is for the best and not really hurting anyone important or vital to society.