Marking Out: How to Make Wrestling Better
You know, I was just sitting around the other day thinking about how much the WWE sucks when it dawned on me: I totally know how to make the WWE better. Follow me, this is going to be one wild ride.
First of all, fire John Cena. I mean, who needs him right? Only stupid little kids and girls cheer for him and he's just annoying. But hold on, this one is a two-pronged attack.
After firing Cena, bring back The Rock, Stone Cold, Bret Hart, Kevin Nash, Scott Hall, Eddie Guerrero, and Andre the Giant. Ok, I totally know that Eddie and Andre have passed on, but that shouldn't stop us, right? WWE can create some device to bring back the dead, no problem. I mean, Vince is a billionaire, right?
Then, when they come back, we can eliminate ECW and consolidate the roster and titles from Smackdown and Raw. Who needs to see fresh, exciting talent when we can see the same six main-eventers twice a week?
And that witch Vicki? I mean, I totally know she loves Edge and all, but how could she betray the Undertaker like that? And what about the Big Show? I mean, he's totally a mean big guy. He looks all friendly and playful and then he's punching the Undertaker in the head. That's not right.
Oh! You know what else? We could totally have the Undertaker wrestle until he's like 80. Can you imagine that sick Wrestlemania streak? Just picture it: "This year, at Wrestlemania XLIV, the Undertaker tries to extend his Wrestlemania winning streak to 48-0. Can he do it or will the Deadman be buried tonight?" AMAZING! (I know that math doesn't seem right, but I'm marking out too hard to do math)
Then, then, then...ok..then we can take Jeff Hardy's extreme gimmick to a whole new level. Have him jump from the rafters or something. I mean, there's never been an issue with coming down from the rafters. Look at Sting and that blue guy.
And Hulk Hogan should totally come back and win the WWE title. He's Hulkamania! He can do what he wants even if he can barely walk, let alone lift his leg for a big boot, brother!
Then, OMG I can't believe it took me this long to think of it. Bring back the Ultimate Warrior and the Macho Man. I would totally mark out. Mark. Out. Hard. I know Vince is like mad at them, or whatever (who knows anymore?), but they could like form a tag team called the Ultimate Maniacs (I totally want trademark rights on that) and they could be like these two crazy guys.
This is just the first installment. I totally have too many good ideas to not put them down.
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