After putting together a list of some of the best names in college football a couple months ago, I felt like it was fitting to do the same for those out there in the college basketball world with...creative namesakes.
In the spirit of the holiday season and of Temple guard/forward Dionte Christmas, I present to you the best names in college basketball. (Obligatory disclaimer: to any of you college basketball players on this list who Google themselves and stumble upon this post, do not take offense, this is all in jest. Be merry, drink egg nog, and I hope you had a happy “Chrismahanukwanzaka”):
Destined To Be Basketball Players
David Baller, College of Charleston
Chris Hoopes, Southern Utah
No Need for Words
Dominitrix Johnson, Illinois St
Jamar Nutter, Seton Hall
Jahsha Bluntt, Delaware St
Pooh Williams, Utah State
Wayne Chism, Tennessee
Chris Porn, Elon
Named After Famous People
Chris Martin, Stony Brook—Isn’t this guy the main singer from Coldplay? Um, not that I listen to Coldplay or anything...
Nick Carter, Stony Brook—Whether you’ll admit it or not, I know you remember the guy from the Backstreet Boys. Two pop stars on the same team. Kudos, Stony Brook.
David Palmer, Iowa—For you 24 fans, David Palmer was the first Black President of the United States. But just like in horror movies, the show had to knock off the black guy. Damn.
Patrick Ewing Jr., Georgetown—I mean he is Pat Ewing’s son.
Picasso Simmons, Murray State—Picasso has a passion for his pallet, proudly painting prominent surrealist masterpieces from Paris to Madrid. Not the best basketball player, but what can you expect from an art major?
Fabio Nass, Miami—He’s got great hair.
Mike Jones, St. Louis—WHO?!
Steve Alford, Western Washington
Chris Collinsworth, BYU
Mike Singletary, Texas Tech
Chris Gamble, Mississippi Valley State—Hopefully this Chris Gamble does a little better than a seven out of 50 on his Wonderlic Test.
Andrew Jackson, Mississippi Valley State
Destined to Be on the Cover of Some Teenage Girls’ Magazine
Chris Timberlake, North Florida
Corey Abercrombie, Pittsburgh State
Thomas Abercrombie, Washington State
Of The Royal Family
Duke Crews, Tennessee
Will Royal, Robert Morris
Rickey Royal, Army
King Cannon, Central Arkansas
J.P. Prince, Tennessee
Punctuations and Prefixes Perplexing English Teachers around the Country
Ra’Sean Dickey, GT
l’Lonzo Coleman, Presbyterian Blue Hose
LeKendrick Longmire, Oregon
An’Juan Wilderness, Charlotte
K’Len Morris, Michigan
E’Twaun Moore, Purdue
Jay-R Strowbridge, Nebraska
Jon’Tee Willhite, Eastern Illinois
LaceDarius Dunn, Baylor
De’Jon Jackson, San Diego
Giving PA Announcers Serious Issues
Qavotstaraj Waddell, Chattanooga
Iman Shokouhizadeh, Centenary
Thanasi Panagiotakopoulos, Northern Colorado
Philippe Tchekane Bofia, Maine
Yves Mekongo-Mbala. La Salle
Gordo Castillo, New Mexico State
Oliver Caballero, San Jose State
Ryan Amoroso, San Diego State
Baptiste Bataille, Northeastern
Luc Richard Mbah a Moute, UCLA
Jean Francois Bro-Grebe, Marshall
Chris De La Rosa, Siena
Great Last Names
Dionte Christmas, Temple
Derrick Caracter, Louisville—Ironically Caracter is not a man of great character; he was suspended earlier in the season for violating team rules.
David Kool, Western Michigan
Drew McCool, Eastern Kentucky
Julius Allgood, Texas Pan-American
Tyler Hoffmeister. Texas Tech
Cam Thoroughman. WVU—Cam is a diligent, hard-working basketball player. He’s thorough, man.
Akeem Hemingway, UMKC
Chief Kickingstallionsims, Alabama State
Jacob Turnipseed, Nicholls State
Soloman HorseChief, Pacific
Great First Names
Urule Igbavboa, Valparasio
Parfait Bitee, Rhode Island
Jazz Williams, Southern
Arizona ‘AZ’ Reid, High Point – Too bad he’s from South Carolina
Jasonn Hannibal, Portland
Brook Lopez, Stanford—Maybe the real reason Lopez was ineligible for a few games at the beginning of the year.
Hillary Haley, St. Bonaventure—Hillary is 6’6”, 210 lb., so after awhile the feminine name jokes probably stopped.
Gaby Bermudez, Samford
The Holy One
Jesus Verdejo, South Florida—This man certainly has a lot to live up to.