As 2008 begins, and everyone gets a fresh start, here are some New Year's resolutions that should have been made last year:
1. The New York Jets: Don’t piss off the Patriots. The rest of the NFL would appreciate it.
2. Bobby Petrino: Look up "respect" in the dictionary, and treat your players with some. Not only did Petrino abandon his team during the middle of the season, the Falcons heard about their head coach's departure at a University of Arkansas press conference announcing his acceptance of his new position.
If your goal was to demonstrate how not to be a man, you did a splendid job
3. NFL Owners: Stop giving huge deals to college coaches!
4. Barry Bonds: Be honest, or at least, nice. If people think you’re lying about something, acting like a jerk isn’t going to make you sound any more believable.
5. Scott Boras: Quit. Demanding millions of dollars for prospects out of college and high school—so that some of the best players are unaffordable for the teams that need them—ruins the draft and further handicaps the small market teams.
Not to mention your ill-advised announcement that A-Rod has opted out of his deal with the Yankees during the final game of the World Series. This action was probably among the worst PR moves for an individual in the history of the game. Real classy.
6. Kevin McHale: Quit. As of December 30, 2007: Timberwolves (4-26), Celtics (26-3).
7. Isiah Thomas: Quit. Knicks (8-21). Plus your boss just had to cough up another $11.6 million because you are about as smooth as John Rocker.
8. Tony Romo: Don’t stop enjoying the ladies, but leave them at home on game days.
9. Anyone trying to beat the Suns: Hit Steve Nash in the nose, groin, or any other sensitive area until he can’t see and/or stand up.
10. Anthony Smith: Please, just shut up. Trust me, no one is looking to a backup safety, who’s only playing because of an injury, to make a bold guarantee about beating an undefeated team; especially one that’s known for using "bulletin board material" as extra motivation.
Also, if you make any guarantees like that in the future, try avoid getting beaten like you stole something on game day.
11. George Mitchell: Tell us something we didn’t already know. If anyone was shocked by Roger Clemens reportedly taking Winstrol, then they really haven’t been paying attention to the old man who is dominating well into his 40s. If it seems to good to be true, it probably is—remember McGwire and Sosa?
On a related note: Bobby Estalella and Jack Cust did it too? But they look like perfectly normal baseball players to me!12. Anyone betting on NBA games: Take the over.
13. The 13 Hall of Fame Voters who didn’t vote for Tony Gwynn as a first ballot Hall of Famer: Quit. If anyone should be a unanimous Hall of Famer, it’s Gwynn. One of the hardest working players, best human beings, and one of the first to really utilize video to study his swing and opposing pitchers. Anyone who got to watch him play should be thankful, and any writer who didn’t vote for him should have their vote taken away forever.
14. Joakim Noah: Quit looking so silly. The shot is one thing, but the bow-ties are too much. Take it down a notch.
15. Travis Henry: Don’t be silly, use a condom! I mean, nine children? I can see making that mistake once or twice, or maybe even three times. But nine children with eight different women? Wow! I think a court-ordered vasectomy might be appropriate.