In case you haven't heard the news, I am writing today so that all Bleacher Creatures will understand why I am leaving the B/R community, effective this weekend. As much as I love sportswriting, I can't turn down the opportunity I have been presented with.
How does this sound?
"Tim Cary, Virginia Tech football offensive coordinator."
I haven't actually been hired yet, mind you.
But it's just a matter of time.
In case you missed my whirlwind journey from armchair quarterback to ACC play caller, here's how the past couple days went down.
On Monday night, Va. Tech coach Frank Beamer spoke with a young chap named Jason on his Hokie Hotline call-in show. Seems that Jason wasn't thrilled with the direction of Beamer's offense, specifically with the performance of offensive coordinator Bryan Stinespring.
During Jason's live ambush, Coach Beamer didn't have a lot to say in response, partially because the caller was so busy complaining he wouldn't let the coach get a word in edgewise.
However, by the time Tuesday's press conference rolled around, Beamer had plenty to say.
Before taking a single question, he started firing stats, numbers, percentages, and all the reasons the caller was mistaken about the Hokies' perceived offensive ineptitude.
And then...it happened. While defending Stinespring, his current offensive coordinator, my future boss opened the job of a lifetime to me.
Kyle Tucker of the Virginian-Pilot recorded Beamer's words as, "I like my offensive staff. I'll schedule an appointment with anybody on Friday afternoon, and if any of you can come in there and show me you're more knowledgeable than Bryan...I'm going to listen to them. Until then, though, I'm going to listen to Bryan."
Friday afternoon? Can you be more specific, Coach? I have a schedule to work around here!
Thank goodness that reporter Aaron MacFarling followed up with Coach Beamer later this week. Here's an excerpt from his column in the Roanoke Times.
"On Tuesday, Beamer challenged all people who thought they knew more than Stinespring to come to his office for an open audition Friday. When I pressed him further—noting that I knew more than a few e-mailers who would take him up on that—he said they were welcome to show up at 2 p.m. and would be given five minutes to prove their worth."
Let's see...Springfield, Ohio to Blacksburg, Virginia.
Time to start packing. What does a future offensive coordinator with no game experience take to the biggest interview of his life?
Well, you have to start with the PlayStation 2 memory card. I may not have ever been on a Division I football field, but I beat Oregon 110-6 yesterday in good ol' NCAA 09. Racking up over 1,000 yards of offense in a game with six-minute quarters? Coach Beamer will love that.
Oops, can't forget this. A copy of each of my B/R "Carrying On About College Football" columns, featuring that oh-so-relevant category: Maybe Coaching Is Easier Than I Thought. I'm sure Coach will be relieved to see that his next genius in the Lane Stadium booth isn't afraid of a tough coaching assignment.
Um...what else? I should probably take some examples of real plays—I'm sure he'll be curious what kind of designs I have up my sleeve to help the Hokies win the ACC. Maroon and orange markers? Check. Five-page paper on the pros and cons of throwing the ball 80 times a game? (Hey, I grew up a Purdue fan.) Check.
It's a good thing this all happened so quickly. I don't really have time to be nervous about such a visible and demanding position before Saturday's game against Georgia Tech.
But really—how hard can it be? I've been to dozens of college football games myself and second-guessed the play calling. First-guessing has to be even easier!
For example...EVERYBODY knows that if it's fourth and short, you play-action pass. That's how you get a touchdown instead of first down.
And another thing...I've always wanted to be the ONLY coach in big-time football that has the guts to call something besides a draw or a screen after a holding penalty makes it 2nd-and-22.
I think I'm all set and ready to go. I should probably script an answer or two. What's he going to ask me? "Why should I hire you as my offensive coordinator?" Hmm...
"Well, Coach, I think my youthful energy and lack of experience will be an asset to the Hokies. The season-ticket base will be energized...I will bring change to the established inner circle of..."
Wait, the political conventions are over. My bad.
Anyway, I hate to cut this short, but it's a big day. I need to be in Blacksburg by 2:00—can't be late.
To all the Bleacher Creatures out there, I'll miss you...but I'll wave to the TV cameras Saturday right after that fake punt at my own 15-yard line.
Change is coming.
Tim Cary is the writer of "Carrying On About College Football," a weekly wrap-up that is published each Sunday night on Bleacher Report. To submit thoughts, ideas, questions, arguments, or anything else, e-mail: firstname.lastname@example.org. Check out the next installment of COACF on Sunday, September 14.