Because if he don't say it, someone else might...
Happy Friday the Thirteenth everybody. How 'bout a warm hand for our megalomaniacal despots of the week, Kim Jong-il and George Steinbrenner.
In international news, North Korea claims to have conducted its first successful nuclear test near the northern city of Kilju. In response, Floyd Landis released a power-point presentation documenting the invalidity of the results.
That's what happens when you let Mahmoud Ahmadinejad choose the test site: Kilju? Kim can do what he wants to his own people, but tell him to stay the h-e-double-hockey-sticks away from Sean Green.
But seriously: We should have all seen this one coming. The dangerous volatility of Korean arms has been exceedingly evident since at least Byung-Hyun Kim's performance in the 2001 World Series.
Thanks Ed: Hiyyyyyyo!
Back on Capitol Hill, the hits keep coming in the Congressional page scandal. Now, word is that some House Republicans were aware of Mark Foley's inappropriate behavior as early as 2000. Critics have also raised questions about the GOP's failure to investigate Foley's connections to his biggest campaign supporter, former University of Colorado football coach Gary Barnett.
Katie Hnida, we hardly knew ya: How's that for digging into the archive?
The page scandal has touched off a frenzy of hand-wringing and finger-pointing in Republican circles, further dividing an already fractured party. Somewhere, Joe Torre is still wishing he'd had the good sense to go into politics.
Which means: If we're drawing parallels between the Republicans and the Yankees, is Donald Rumsfeld playing third base?
Which means, Part Deux: Or has A-Rod fallen all the way into Colin Powell territory?
Which means, Part Deux, the Sequel: And if the Republicans are like the Yankees, I suppose the Democrats would have to be like the Red Sox—sullen, soulless, and sitting sourly on the sidelines.
Which means, Part Deux, the Sequel, Special Widescreen Edition: Be honest—you were waiting for a "down in flames" Cory Lidle joke, right? You sick, sick bastard you.
Which means, Part Deux, the Sequel, Special Widescreen Edition, Director's Cut: Because honestly, he's no Thurman Munson.
Elsewhere in Washington, Susan Ralston, a top aide to presidential advisor Karl Rove, stepped down amid reports that she accepted unlawful gifts from disgraced lobbyist Jack Abramhoff. Her defenders said that Ralston couldn't possibly have been inappropriately influenced by the gifts, as they consisted primarily of Baltimore Orioles tickets.
And yeah: There's probably a laugh to be had at Rafael Palmeiro's expense somewhere in there, but you're going to have to find it for yourself.
On a more somber note, trailblazing Russian journalist Anna Politkovskaya was murdered outside her Moscow home on Saturday. Politkovskaya has been an outspoken critic of the Kremlin's handling of the Chechen war, and observers throughout Russia have suggested that government authorities had a hand in her killing. Makes you think that maybe Lance Williams and Mark Fainaru-Wada don't have it so bad after all.
But then again: Imagine what the caped crusaders could have done with the Ivan Drago steroid story.
Throw in the damn towel, Rock: And how heartily Apollo Creed would have thanked them for it.
Last but certainly not least, the Fox News Channel celebrated its ten-year anniversary over the weekend. Ted Turner continues to insist that he and his CNN empire aren't threatened by the hullabaloo.
Because who knew there was such a market for fair and balanced reportage?: In an unrelated press release, Turner announced that Rush Limbaugh will anchor the Braves' telecasts on TBS next season.
And of course you saw this one coming a mile away: With Donovan McNabb providing color commentary.
That's it for now, Cottage-heads. Be sure to check back next Friday, when we'll debate the merits of bilateral détente talks between Terrell Owens and Bill Parcells...