2011 NFL Mock Draft: Hot Chick Edition

2011 NFL Mock Drafts are something of a house specialty here at Bleacher Report. We do them all the time, and we like to think we do them well.

This year, our minds have been occupied with names like Da'Quan Bowers, Nick Fairley, A.J. Green, and more specifically, where they might be taking their talents when the draft rolls around in April.

But we're not going to do that today. Instead, we're more in the mood for hot chicks (more than usual, that is to say). So instead of doing a mock NFL draft with college football players, we're going to imagine how it might unfold if each NFL team was drafting beautiful women instead.

Enjoy.

No. 1: Carolina Panthers -- Olivia Wilde

Even more than a quarterback, what the Carolina Panthers really need is a new face for their franchise. They also need a special someone that shows true promise.

For that, they need Olivia Wilde. Not only is she stunningly beautiful, she's also the next big thing in Hollywood after starring in Tron: Legacy.

She would do wonders for a franchise that needs them.

No. 2: Denver Broncos -- Marissa Miller

The Denver Broncos are a mess. One so bad, in fact, that they have now called in the services of the greatest player in their history: John Elway.

Exactly how Elway will fix the Broncos remains to be seen. One way or another, the franchise needs a stabilizing force.

As such, Marissa Miller is a good fit not so much because she's one of the hottest women on the planet, but because she's been one of the hottest women on the planet for several years now.

No. 3: Buffalo Bills -- Natalie Portman

The Buffalo Bills have been one of the NFL's most hopeless franchises for years now. On the field, they need a true run stuffer, and some would say even a new quarterback that can replace the Harvard-educated Ryan Fitzpatrick.

But more than anything, they just need somebody that commands respect.

For that, they need Natalie Portman. She is also Harvard educated and is perhaps the hottest actress in Hollywood after her soon-to-be award winning turn in Black Swan. One look at her, and the NFL will show some love for the Bills.

No. 4: Cincinnati Bengals -- Emmanuelle Chriqui

The Cincinnati Bengals seem to be confused about which direction they want to go. Marvin Lewis should have been on his way out, but he's coming back. Terrell Owens is a goner, and Chad Ochocinco likely will be too. And they need to make a decision regarding Carson Palmer's future.

To solve their woes, they should pick Canadian actress Emmanuelle Chriqui. One look at her, and they'll be willing to go in whatever direction she's going.

No. 5: Arizona Cardinals: Gisele Bundchen

The Arizona Cardinals actually need a quarterback. Badly.

But they don't just need somebody that has raw skills. They need somebody that knows the position.

Who better to fix their problems, then, than Gisele Bundchen, wife of the best quarterback in the world?

Of course, Gisele also has a pretty good resume of her own, as she has modeled for, well, everyone. She's a hot shot (pun definitely intended) and definitely has the skills to pick Arizona up off the deck.

No. 6: Cleveland Browns -- Zoe Saldana

The Cleveland Browns are also in disarray. Eric Mangini is out, and they were just as ineffective this year as they have been in years past.

But there is promise in Cleveland. Colt McCoy is a solid young quarterback prospect, and Peyton Hillis was a great pickup. In fact, all they really need is somebody that can make the proverbial "big play."

For that, they need Zoe Saldana. After being a true under-the-radar Hollywood hottie, she now specializes in big spectacle movies. We're talking Star Trek and Avatar in 2009 and will soon appear in the sequels. Rest assured, she will be just as attractive the second time around, and the Browns need somebody that can draw people's eyes as well as she does. 

No. 7: San Francisco 49ers -- Miranda Kerr

The San Francisco 49ers are also in need of some respect. But after having to put up with Mike Singletary's fiery antics for a couple seasons, they also need a change of pace.

Instead of a rough, hard-nosed style, perhaps they should look for somebody that is just plain nice to be around.

Despite the fact I've never had the pleasure, Australian model and Victoria's Secret Angel Miranda Kerr is nice to be around.

No. 8: Tennessee Titans -- Kelly Brook

The Tennessee Titans have a lot of talent on the field, and it would be wise for them to keep Jeff Fisher on the sideline.

In fact, instead of looking to make drastic changes, they should just continue to add talented pieces to the puzzle.

There is nothing Kelly Brook can't do. She's a model, an actress, a swimwear designer, and she's appeared in Playboy. She also appeared naked in Piranha 3-D opposite porn star Riley Steele. In brilliant 3-D, of course.

I'm adding it to my Netflix account too.

No. 9: Dallas Cowboys -- Amber Heard

The Dallas Cowboys managed to salvage themselves some dignity this year after a horrible start, but whether or not they're going to be able to return to respectability in one fell swoop remains to be seen.

But they can try, dammit. And like with Jason Garrett, the best thing they can do is rebuild from within.

For my money, Amber Heard is the hottest Texas native in the world right now. You last saw her as a zombie trying to devour Mark Zuckerberg... er, Jesse Eisenberg in Zombieland. But you will soon see her opposite Johnny Depp in The Rum Diary. She will be naked.

No. 10: Washington Redskins -- Hayden Panettiere

The Washington Redskins are old. They are in serious need of not only a youth movement, but some serious skills as well.

Hayden Panettiere is just 21-years-old and is easily one of the hottest young actresses working today. She is also deeply rooted in football, as she starred in Remember the Titans when she was just 10-years-old.

No. 11: Houston Texans -- Scarlett Johansson

The Houston Texans were undone by their defense in 2010; that much is obvious. And they will undoubtedly look to patch some holes in their secondary with the draft.

As such, they'll be looking for somebody that can roam in free space, aggressively looking to make a play. What they need...is someone on the prowl.

See what I did there? Indeed, Scarlett Johansson is single again. And rest assured, she's looking to make a play.

No. 12: Minnesota Vikings -- Jessica Alba

The Vikings have all the right pieces in all the right places, with one notable exception: they need a new signal caller.

Yes, the Vikes need somebody who can call the shots, preferably someone with enough grit to fit in with the team's personality.

If you doubt that Jessica Alba has grit, you clearly didn't see Machete. Besides, if any of the Vikings players wouldn't want to win one for her, then that organization is more doomed than it would appear.

No. 13: Detroit Lions -- Minka Kelly

Had Matthew Stafford been able to play the whole season, and had Jahvid Best's assorted injuries not left the Lions without their most dangerous playmaker, the Lions could have done something this season.

As such, they should keep doing what they've been doing, which is adding young, dynamic talent.

Young, dynamic talent? Sounds like a job for Minka Kelly. She may be known for her baseball connections thanks to her relationship with Derek Jeter, but let's not forget that she knows a lot about football via Friday Night Lights.

Oh, she's also Esquire's "Sexiest Woman Alive."

No. 14: St. Louis Rams -- Rosie Huntington-Whiteley

The Rams' biggest need is very much the same as that of the Browns: they need somebody that can make the big play.

With Zoe Saldana off the board, they will then look to take the next best thing (i.e. Julio Jones after A.J. Green).

Had the draft been last year, Megan Fox would have been the right pick. But her stock has plummeted recently, and she has even lost her Transformers meal ticket. Instead, Michael Bay gave that to Victoria's Secret model Rosie Huntington-Whiteley.

He may be onto something there, and the Rams should look to follow suit.

No. 15: Miami Dolphins -- Alessandra Ambrosio

The Dolphins are in a tight spot. They could very well be without Chad Henne and their duo of aging running backs next year, and they need somebody that can convince the Miami faithful that they are just as worth watching as the Miami Heat.

And be honest, have you ever tried not looking at Alessandra Ambrosio when the chance arises?

No. 16: Jacksonville Jaguars -- Bar Rafaeli

The Jaguars just barely missed out on the playoffs this year, as a late swoon and key injuries to David Garrard and Maurice Jones-Drew saw them finish behind the Indianapolis Colts.

But as a franchise, they could certainly be in worse shape. And in the draft, they should look to draft the best talent available.

When we did our 2010 NFL Mock Draft, Bar Rafaeli was the No. 1 overall pick. The fact that she fell this far in 2011 is probably a great injustice of mine. But the Jaguars will be glad to have her on their side, make no mistake.

After all, who wouldn't be happy to have an Israeli supermodel that has graced the cover of Sports Illustrated's Swimsuit Issue.

No. 17: New England Patriots -- Lindsey Vonn

No doubt the Patriots would love to have Gisele Bundchen with this pick, but considerations such as those don't concern the Cardinals.

So what does a team that seemingly has it all look for? Well, in pure Bill Belichick fashion, they'll look to add more athletes.

Lindsey Vonn is arguably the hottest female athlete in the world, and it's the "athlete" part of that statement that will interest the Patriots. Moreover, they'll know she can handle the cold when winter descends upon New England.

No. 18: San Diego Chargers -- Jessica Biel

The Chargers will find themselves in a unique situation when the draft rolls around, as they will have a mid-round pick to add to a roster that's already loaded with talent.

But while they have plenty of talent, they could use some experience.

If so, they'll accept Jessica Biel with open arms. Despite the fact that she's only in her late 20s, she's been around forever and has accumulated plenty of experience in multiple fields. Having her on the roster would officially make the Chargers the envy of the league.

No. 19: New York Giants -- Beyonce

The Giants are one of the stiffest teams in the league. Tom Coughlin may be a very good football coach, but he and his team are in bad need of some personality. Put more specifically, they need some swagger.

When it comes to swagger, you can't do much better than Beyonce. Personally, every time I think she doesn't have "it" anymore, she comes out with a super-sexy music video or an awesome commercial that changes my mind.

Needless to say, she could easily loosen things up on the Giants sideline.

No. 20: Tampa Bay Buccaneers -- Marion Cotillard

The Buccaneers are one of the best young football teams in the league. Behind Josh Freeman and LeGarrette Blount, the Bucs could very well turn into a powerhouse for years to come.

But they also need a veteran presence.

Marion Cotillard is just now a household name because of her role in Inception. However, the French actress is in her mid-30s now and has emerged as one of the most talented actresses in the world.

If she were to be thrown into the mix in Tampa Bay, they could go far. Also, putting Marion Cotillard in sunny Florida would probably produce its own rewards.

No. 21: Kansas City Chiefs -- Olivia Munn

The Kansas City Chiefs made all the right moves in the 2010 offseason, and they have the kind of management that can make even more good decisions in 2011.

Losing Charlie Weis to the Florida Gators does hurt, however, and the Chiefs are going to need people that can make up for his savvy.

We all know Olivia Munn as the host of G4's Attack of the Show! But don't take her lightly just because she's a TV personality on a silly network. She studied journalism at Oklahoma, an institution that combines both smarts and great football.

She would be just what the Chiefs need.

No. 22: Indianapolis Colts -- Kate Beckinsale

The Colts aren't quite over the hill, but they will be soon. But knowing the Colts, they won't get anybody just because they're a pair of fresh legs. They want their personnel to have something between their ears as well, which to them is more valuable than a pair of fresh legs.

Kate Beckinsale went to Oxford, where she studied French, Russian, and literature. She also speaks three languages.

In fact, screw the uniform. Put her in the front office.

No. 23: Philadelphia Eagles -- Shakira

With the Eagles, it's all about explosiveness. It's not so much about playing football as much as it is about putting on a show.

Yeah, I'd say Shakira would be a good pick. And you thought it couldn't possibly get more exciting than a DeSean Jackson punt return...

No. 24: New Orleans Saints -- Malin Akerman

The Saints also had to deal with more than their fair share of injuries this season. But when healthy, they also have few very noticeable weak spots. And in fact, they're quite dynamic on both sides of the ball.

As such, they'll look for more of the same.

We all know Malin Akerman is hot, but she's also a solid actress, and she sings in a rock and roll band. In short, she has just as many talents as Reggie Bush, and would be a natural fit in New Orleans.

No. 25: Seattle Seahawks -- Megan Fox

There are many who have suggested that the Seahawks screwed themselves out of a brighter future by making the playoffs, thus costing themselves a high draft pick.

If so, the fact that they managed to advance makes things even worse. One way or another, the Seahawks have to rebuild, and they're going to have to take a chance on a risky prospect.

Megan Fox fits the bill. We know she has, shall we say, certain talents. We just don't know if she has any other talents, if you get my drift.

But after the apparent death of her career in 2010, she deserves another shot.

No. 26: Baltimore Ravens -- Maria Sharapova

The Baltimore Ravens seem like a team that just wasn't as good as the sum of its parts. That must have something to do with the fact that most of their stars on defense are up there in years.

So like so many of the other teams on this list, they could use a fresh pair of legs.

Legs? Say, Maria Sharapova has those!

See that picture? I rest my case.

No. 27: Atlanta Falcons -- Kristen Bell

Matt Ryan is engaged to marry Sarah Marshall.

No, not that one from Forgetting Sarah Marshall. The other one.

Nevertheless, if the man likes Sarah Marshall, then I say get him Sarah Marshall!

In other words, they should draft Kristen Bell.

No. 28: New England Patriots -- Beatriz Recari

Having secured Lindsey Vonn, the Patriots won't stop adding top athletes.

Some will say that golfers aren't very athletic. I say nonsense.

But even if the Patriots are also holders of that belief, not many people are able to resist Beatriz Recari.

Besides, if they needed advice, they would just have to turn to Tom Brady and say, "So Tom, if you weren't married, what about her?"

No. 29: Chicago Bears -- Candis Mosley

Lots of people will tell you that the Bears over-achieved in 2010 on their way to an 11-5 record and a division crown.

Do they care? Not at all. They're going to keep doing their thing, and damn the consequences.

That means they're going to be on the lookout for more hard-nosed talent, and that means they won't be able to pass up Candis Mosley. She's currently under contract with the Dallas Desire as a wide receiver and a corner back, but she'd be a great fit with the Bears.

After all, it doesn't get any more old school than the Lingerie Football League.

No. 30: New York Jets -- Erin Andrews

The Jets turned out to be a legit Super Bowl contender, but they still need need to repair their image. They're a great football team, but they have almost no integrity left.

One thing they can do is bring in a new sideline reporter and then show the world that they have changed by treating her right.

Enter Erin Andrews. If the Jets mess with her, the reaction among sports fans will be swift and brutal. So they won't if they have any brains.

No. 31: Pittsburgh Steelers -- Gina Carano

Now that Ben Roethlisberger is engaged, there doesn't seem to be much point in bringing in somebody who can keep him in line.

But if we can take anything for granted, it's that the Steelers will only add people that fit in with the deeply rooted Steeler culture. That means a hard hitting, no-holds-barred badass.

Gina Carano could probably go toe-to-toe with Arnold Schwarzenegger (while in his prime, mind you). And indeed, nobody would want to go over the middle if her and Troy Polamalu were lying in wait.

No. 32: Green Bay Packers -- Odette Yustman

Because the Packers had to deal with so many injuries this year, it's hard to pinpoint any one area that they are actually weak. They may have won the Super Bowl, but they are a very ragged bunch.

Indeed, the problem with the Packers is that they are perhaps too ragged. They could stand to add somebody like Odette Yustman. She's young, she's nice to look at, and she would cause a boom in the Green Bay indoor pool business.

 

 

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