The 50 Best Racks in Sports
A wise man once said, "Boobs are nice." That wise man was me. And I believe I was suffering from a sudden and violent attack of New Year's Eve syndrome, or I was intoxicated. But I stick by my very profound statement. Boobs are, in fact, nice.
They have been the driving force for men since the dawn of time. They will continue to be so long after we have passed from the mortal coil. It really is unfair, actually.
Women tout these fantastic amazing things whose sole purpose is to befuddle and confuse us while drawing us near. Okay, they may also be used to feed infants. But being that I am not a huge fan of babies, I will disregard this point.
I guess my thesis statement, if one were mandated, is that there are a great many things to enjoy in life, but none more great than a nice rack. Here are the 50 best in the world of sport.
50. Sarah Burke: Skiing
Let me fill you in on a little secret. That tree is having a better day than you are. How is that for a morale boost?
49. Sania Mirza: Tennis
Those things are trying to be set free. Well, let them free for Christ's sake, Sania. Let them roam free.
48. Stephanie Rice: Swimming
In Weird Science, the character Gary eloquently quipped, "Anything bigger than a handful and your risking a sprained wrist." With that, I give you the perfection that is Stephanie Rice.
47. Allison Stokke: Pole Vault
I was fortunate enough to matriculate to Cal. Believe me when I say that Allison Stokke is the best thing going for our sports program.
46. Danica Patrick: Racing
When Danica Patrick is not busy taking turns at breakneck speeds, she likes to stand around and be hot. Here she is, being all hot and stuff.
45. Amanda Beard: Swimming
It is amazing that she remains slick through the water with those impediments. I know my own moobs mandate that I doggy paddle.
44. Roberta Mancino: Sky Diving
Roberta Mancino was recently voted as the hottest female athlete in modern sports. So it goes without saying that she is easy on the eyes.
That last sentence will go down as the biggest understatement of the year.
43. Maeghan Major: Wakeboarding
There she is taunting you with paradise. What could be better than being on a boat with a gorgeous woman who can amaze you with acrobatics on the water? Not much.
42. Lindsey Vonn: Skiing
They are a great many things that I can tout at Lindsey Vonn's best attributes. She is tough, gritty and determined. But I am going to go with what is under her bra.
41. Maria Kirilenko: Tennis
There are some things in life too good to be true. A deep fried turkey leg, my dry wit, and Maria Kirilenko have to round out the top three.
40. Lokelani McMichael: Triathlon
She runs. She swims. She bikes. She does all of this while being amazingly sexy. I meant skilled. Sorry, I totally put her ability to run three legs of a triathlon over her hotness. Totally.
39. Shana Hiatt: Poker
If you are into poker, you have seen the luscious Shana Hiatt host the World Poker Tour and the scintillating Poker After Dark. Actually, it isn't that scintillating. It's just an hour of Phil Hellmuth whining.
38. Jennifer Barretta: Billiards
There you go, folks. She is quite possibly the only reason to waste anytime watching pool on TV. That and if you are having trouble getting to sleep.
37. Jelena Dokic: Tennis
The last time I made that face it was the morning after a 72-hour bender. What a nice thought to have while you gaze at Jelena's ta-tas.
36. Alicia Sacramone: Gymnastics
As we all know, the gymnast's unitard is meant to squish the female buxom down and out of the way. As you can see, the grandeur that is Alicia's top is quite defiant. Yay, us.
35. Maria Sharapova: Tennis
Look at the sheer determination. You aren't looking at the determination, are you? Yeah, me neither.
34. Erin Andrews: Sportscaster
What would a sports slideshow be like without Erin Andrews? Oh right, it would be about sports.
33. Ashley Massaro: Wrestling
Ashley Massaro was a female in the WWE. That means she is endowed with very big cans. God I love the wonderful world of wrestling.
32. Jillian Barberie: Sportscaster
Jillian used to grace us with her presence on Fox NFL Sunday. It was a welcomed respite from gawking at the enlarged mammoth growth that is Howie Long's neck.
31. Gina Carano: MMA
I would love to motorboat those things but I would fear she would kick my butt, then put me into a submission hold. On second thought, I'll go for it.
30. Anna Kournikova: Tennis
Anna Kournikova used to be a tennis player. I used to be the correct weight for my height. It seems we both stopped pursuing our respective goals a long time ago.
29. Leryn Franco: Javelin
Franco throws a huge metal stick many yards and gets judged on her ability to throw said javelin. That is all I could find on her.
The rest of the time I was just looking at hot photos of her. Sorry, I get sidetracked rather easily.
28. Latosha Marzolla: MMA
At the very least you can say you probably touched them as she beats you into oblivion. That's something, I guess.
27. Leeann Tweeden: Sportscaster
Tweeden was the best part of The Best Damn Sports Show from 2000 to 2007. Now she is just the best part of the human race.
26. Clair Bidez: Skiing
I am in love. The only problem I have is that Clair has chosen a sport that mandates she cover her body up from the cold weather. Not cool, Clair.
25. Bianca Cruz: Softball
Bianca Cruz played for the ASU Sun Devils softball team. Something tells me you care little to none about the last statement.
24. Milene Dominguez: Soccer
Brazil has everything. They have the best soccer talent and the hottest female soccer players. Okay, two things. They have two things.
Well, I am still jealous.
23. Stacy Kiebler: Wrestling
Kiebler was a wrestler in the WCW. Her ability to inflict pain with her submission holds was second to...okay, she has a nice rack. That is really the only fact I need from her resume.
22. Mia St. John: Boxing
That there would be a photo from the greatest weigh-in known to man. I would like to bottle this and come back to it anytime I am feeling blue.
21. Katarina Witt: Figure Skating
Katarina Witt took the world of eyebrows by storm. I meant figure skating. She took the world of figure skating by storm.
She also has huge knockers.
20. Elektra Knight: MMA
Elektra is a former MMA ring girl and current fitness model. Here she is posing as the most unattainable person you will see today.
Sorry, you have no shot.
19. Torrie Wilson: Wrestling
Torrie Wilson is a retired wrestler. She has me rethinking the hot factor of current retirees. I wouldn't mind going to an early bird special with her in tow.
18. Anni Friesinger: Speed Skating
It is hard to remain aerodynamic on the ice when you have to lug around these puppies around the rink. But Anni, you are doing a fine job.
17. Ana Paula Mancino: Volleyball
Poor, poor Anna. Will someone get her a jacket. She is freezing.
The Brazilian volleyball player happens to have one of the better sets of organs I find most attractive in ladies. Her eyes, people. Get your heads out of the gutter.
16. Claudia Toth: Curling
Ah, the sport of curling. The only thing that will make me stay up well past two in the morning every four years.
Here is Claudia, most likely laughing at one of my witticisms.
15. Jenn Brown: Softball and Sportscaster
Jenn is a former softball player that now makes a living as a sportscaster. I would now like to say a prayer to the sports gods thanking them for keeping Jenn Brown around a while longer.
14. Serena Williams: Tennis
One of the biggest stars in women's tennis also has the biggest, um, assets. It is amazing that she can still get an overhand completed with her assets in the way.
13. Sophie Horn: Golf
Sophie Horn is an aspiring professional golfer. She also has one of the best racks in the business, except for maybe John Daly.
You may not be able to to see her face well in this one. Just believe me when I say she has one.
12. Amy Taylor: Soccer
Taylor is a former soccer player for the Aussie national team. She also happens to have one of the best racks I have ever seen.
So there you go, Amy. You have gone to the pinnacle of your sport and you have caught the admiration of myself. There really is nothing left for you to accomplish.
11. Simona Halep: Tennis
That there would be the boobs of Ms. Simona Halep. She is the only tennis player that could conceivably double fault without even swinging a racket. Hey-yo.
I have no idea what that means.
10. Lisa Guerrero: Sportscaster
I give you the lovely Lisa Guerrero. The Los Angeles Times has called Guerrero the "hardest working sports reporter."
I really wish that did it for me. But sadly this picture holds more weight for me.
9. Kristi Leskinen: Skiing
Kristi Leskinen is an American freestyle skier. With an arsenal like that, let's be thankful she is on our side.
8. Natalie Gulbis: Golf
Natalie Gulbis is one of the best golfers in the LPGA. Wait, no, she is the hottest. You know what? I don't differentiate between the two.
7. Anna Semenovich: Figure Skating
Quick, do a math equation in your head. Forget that. Try to remember the name of your first grade teacher. In fact, try to remember your name.
It is a bit easier to do so if you look away from the computer screen.
6. Mirella Grisales: Sportscaster
The Colombian sportscaster is, um, well, I have lost my train of thought. I will try to jug my mammary soon. Oops.
5. Arianny Celeste: UFC Ring Girl
Arianny Celeste was the UFC ring girl of the year in 2010. What does 2011 hold for her? Perhaps me stalking the Internet for more pictures of this fine lady. Perhaps.
4. Jennifer Tilly: Poker
Okay, So Jenn is going to want to raise here to see if she can draw Mike "The Mouth" into a bidding...Holy Christ.
How is one supposed to keep a mental note of their chip stack when you have these things staring you in the face?
3. Victoria Vanucci: Tennis
Victoria Vanucci was all set to be the next greatest star in women's tennis. Then a back injury derailed her career.
I can only imagine the cause of that back injury.
2. Jenn Sterger: Sports Story of the Year
Jenn Sterger has everything you would want in a woman. So much so that you may be tempted to send her a picture of your junk.
But please resist the temptation. The NFL may fine you $50,000 for doing so.
1. Larissa Riquelme: Sports Fan
Do you remember the 2010 World Cup? That is where the world was introduced to super Paraguay fan, Larissa Riquelme.
I think some other stuff happened too. But after her, there is a huge drop-off.
Larissa Riquelme Best Rack Around
Oh, to be a cell phone. But not just any cell phone. I want to be that cell phone.
Honorable Mention: Kimberly Lansing: Poker
She has a touch of Evangeline Lilly with a dab of Jennifer Tilly in all the right places. Yes, Kimberly Lansing is my new favorite sports star in 2011. It is going to be a very good year.
Honorable Mention: Sportscaster
Ines Sainz is a Mexican sideline reporter. She has made a name for herself by wearing provocative attire while covering games.
That is a business model I can stand behind, or around. I will settle for standing around it as well.
Honorable Mention: Poker
There. I will bet you a million dollars you can't remember what hole cards you currently have. It helps your poker game if you have a set like these.
Honorable Mention: Sara Carbonero: Sportscaster
Here is Spanish reporter Sara Carbonero taking a breather. As long as she continues to take a breather, we should all be okay.
Honorable Mention: Georgie Thompson: Sportscaster
Georgie is a sportscaster for Sky Sports in England. So she is officially the only reason I would sit through hours of Cricket highlights.
Honorable Mention: Liz Lieu: Poker
I would like to give it up for Liz and her amazing ability to carry those things around all day.
I believe she weighs all of 15 pounds yet is able to make it throughout the day without toppling over. Kudos.
Honorable Mention: Jeannette Lee: Billiards
With all this bending over to take a shot, I think I found a new sport to follow in 2011. I may however side step the men's version.
Honorable Mention: Carrie Milbank: Sportscaster
Here is sportscaster Carrie Milbank um, daring you to look at her assets. So, you would do well to take her up on that.
Honorable Mention: Dallas Friday: Wake Boarding
Dallas Friday is one of the best wake boarders in the world. She also happens to have one of the best names in sports.
With Dallas Friday out there, why don't we have wake boarding highlights on ESPN instead of women's college basketball?
Honorable Mention: Laisa Andrioli: Soccer
The Brazilian Soccer player can be found getting all sweaty for the national team. I think I want to marry that last sentence. Then it can grow up and marry another hot sentence and give us a sexy paragraph.