After making the sacrifice to my memorial to the 49ers by sticking pins into a Christmas Rams helmet ornament, by divine right, and in the name of world peace, but not among football fans, I firmly believe the 49ers should trade for Brett Favre because:
1. Favre's constant crying and whining will be a cuddly, snugly fit with many 49ers fans who are so proudly living up to what my Raiders buddies call "whiner Niner" fans.
2. Favre will boost San Francisco's economy when he switches from Wranglers to Levi's, which is San Francisco-based, and stars in Levi's commercials.
3. With yet another unearned fortune from another year of being a fantastic failure at quarterback, Favre will easily be able to afford the new Silicon Valley startup called Don't Be A Donkey's Ass.
DBADA or DADA (I shortened the acronym to make it easier to recognize and because I am the sole proprietor) is the manufacturer of Don't Be A Donkey's Ass software.
Detailed research on G-rated mannequins reveals that DADA features a flawless firewall that is impenetrable, even by overrated quarterbacks who suffer from delusions of grandeur.
Here is how it works: Each time an allegedly nude photo (of any allegedly private part or parts) allegedly is sent, Don't Be A Donkey's Ass prompts a pop-up message on the user's screen that asks: "Do you really want to be a donkey's ass by sending this?".
If the alleged pervert chooses "no," the allegedly pornographic image is deleted.
If the alleged pervert chooses "yes," a copy is sent to the alleged recipient, his wife, the NFL Commissioner's Office, and all NFL departments having anything to do with Internet security, since the NFL is sorely lacking in expertise and needs all the help it can get.
Unlike the NFL's inability to determine alleged sender-to-receiver data, Don't Be A Donkey's Ass software comes with encrypted data that leaves no mistake about the true identity of the donkey's ass.
Our encrypted biometric-based software allows only the true donkey's ass to send a donkey's ass message.
Our significant investment, which amounts to less than what it costs to buy a Brett Favre football used in his last game as marketed by his marketing team prior to the game ending, means that an alleged donkey's ass of a quarterback cannot blame his alleged photo of his alleged slinky on an alleged teammate.
Or to allegedly deny he allegedly sent an allegedly pornographic photo of his alleged slinky.
Now, this is not to allege that Favre allegedly sent an alleged picture of an alleged body part to an alleged individual on an alleged phone.
4) The mostly, but not all, moronic Bay Area sports coverage will then be able to focus less on Jed York and more on Favre.
Here are the empirical facts supporting my brilliant argument postulating Favre's magnificent and immaculate modesty will so awe jaded, negative and conspiratorial-thinking small-minded Bay Area sports writers that Jed York will become a tad bit less newsworthy (until Favre starts losing, throwing interceptions and threatening retirement):
* Favre's interception in the 2010 NFC championship game ended Minnesota's dream of losing yet another Super Bowl.
* Favre's interception in the 2008 NFC championship game ended Green Bay's quest for its third Favre-led Green Bay Super Bowl berth (yeah, Favre sycophants, he lost one). Because of that, New England was prevented from achieving a perfect season. With Favre in the Super Bowl, the Patriots would have been victorious, thanks to Favre's fetish for interceptions.
* Favre's interception in the 2004 NFC divisional game.
* Favre's interception and fumble in the 2003 NFC wild card game are now infamous Green Bay milestones because it was the Packers' first loss in a home playoff game and the first time the Cheesies lost when the temperature was 34 degrees or less.
* Favre's SIX interceptions -- with THREE returned for touchdowns -- in a 2002 NFC divisional playoff game. The Rams were great, but Favre's gifts catapulted them into Greek polytheistic status.
To summarize my entire ridiculous hypothesis, and as DADA's largest multi-penny investor, I am convinced that Don't Be A Donkey's Ass allegedly will prevent an alleged Favre from allegedly sending alleged photos of an allegedly pornographic nature of his alleged slinky to an alleged nobody.
Favre should do it to end climate change.
I believe the transformation, from the frosty winter wonderland of Minnesota to the temperate clime of the Golden Gate's Gadfly Glee, will help end climate change because Favre will now be able to star in commercials that recycle Favre's tractor, dirt-loving and noxious carbon-burning reputation into a globally green-friendly version that will be broadcast on G-rated texts throughout the world.
He should do it for the children.
The profits he earns from endorsements can be used to assist children throughout the world by instructing them in proper Internet etiquette, whereby they will learn the significant dangers and/or embarrassment that inappropriate Internet use can lead to.
Such as international embarrassment and being the, er, butt of so many jokes.
I can see Favre endorsing carbon-reducing Priuses, and surfboards made of recycled content, while playing Ultimate Frisbee on the oil-free sands of San Francisco's clothing-optional Baker Beach.
And, Favre's fantastic presence will also help boost Bay Area-based Facebook. I mean, the guy already has at least two pages devoted to his lasting legacy:
* Brett Favre's Season-Ending Interceptions
* Brett Favre Is Not the Greatest Quarterback of all time -- DEAL WITH IT!
Come on Niner fans, as Lowell Cohn recommended the other day on KJERK, let's bring Brett Favre to the 49ers.
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