New Years Resolutions Sports Figures Should Make For 2011
Saturday marked the start of a new year, the beginning of 2011.
As always, millions of people will make a promise to themselves for the new year, to drop a few pounds, to curse less, whatever.
Luckily, I had a chance to talk to some of the biggest names in sports and ask them what their New Year's Resolutions are.
So here are their very own words made up by me.
Happy new year!
I resolve to re-acquire Ishiah Thomas, Jared Jeffries, and Stephon Marbury. And most importantly, to re-sign Eddie Curry to a nine figure contract, the guy’s got serious potential.
To eat more carrots!
What should I say? Should I say something modest? Should I resolve to be less arrogant? What should I say? Should I tell you how good I want to become? Should I really believe telling you my resolution isn’t wasting my time? What should I say? Should I have this article removed? Should I tell you I am not the right person for your article? What should I say? Should I tell you I’m not a traitor? Should I say what you want me to say? Maybe I should just disappear. Should I make you leave? Should I read you D-Wade’s resolution? Should I just start over? What should I say?
Ahh screw it, just sign me up for whatever Bosh said.
To only have sex with people when they want to have it with me too... No promises though.
Greg Fiume/Getty Images
Get traded as soon as possible.
I resolve to not practice my Turkish.
Look, I know it’s important, and I know I’m supposed to lead by example, but we talkin’ about practice. What are we talkin’ about? Practice. Not the conversations that I have with my teammates, that I die for, but practice? How silly is that?
Stephen Dunn/Getty Images
Let’s see, to eat a bigger breakfast, work on my short game, spend more time with my family, and… Who am I kidding? I resolve to have sex with less women!
To coach he same team for AT LEAST two seasons.
I resolve to lead the National League in batting average. WHAT DO YOU F**KIN MEAN A PITCHER CAN’T LEAD THE LEAGUE IN BATTING AVERAGE!? ARE YOU F**KIN KIDDING ME!?
Jim McIsaac/Getty Images
To become a less picky eater.
I resolve to invent a time machine and go back in time to punt the ball out of bounds.
To learn at least five new facial expressions.
I resolve to try on defense before the two minute mark in the fourth quarter. Oh and to stop flipping up my goggles every time the game stops for a split second, I know it just makes me look like a tool.
To be even more awesome and talented… just kidding that isn’t possible.
To stop being so innocent. What are you talking about that’s a great… STOP SPITTING ON ME!
I resolve to get more hair endorsements than Troy Polamalu this year.
I resolve to… Clay said what!? You can tell Goldylox he’s on.
To buy a harder skull. I saw a nice one really cheap on Amazon.
Oh boy, I can’t wait for the new season so I can make good on my resolution: To chew lots and lots of big league chew! And become better at Chutes & Ladders!
Kevin C. Cox/Getty Images
To end Carson Palmer’s career and get Marvin Lewis fired.
Oh yeah, I also resolve to sign with another Super Bowl caliber team in the off-season and turn them into a doormat. Anybody know if New England’s looking for a new receiver?
To break the record for most technical fouls by a retired NBA player.
Lisa Blumenfeld/Getty Images
Get an office job so I can afford to feed my family.
My New Year’s Resolution is to actually run a play my offensive coordinator calls. You know, maybe once or twice.
Jonathan Daniel/Getty Images
I resolve to continue to fill my teammates water bottles with only the coldest and freshest water in all the land.
Al Bello/Getty Images
Ummm let’s see, I want to add more moves to my dance, and to become better at NBA 2K11, oooo oooo to see a girl naked, and if there’s any time I guess I’ll work on my outside shooting.
To get at least one celebrity pregnant.
To (explicative) teach (explicative) all (explicative) young (explicative) Mexican (explicative) baseball (explicative) players (explicative) about (explicative) the (explicative) dangers (explicative) of (explicative) steroids.
And to curse less.