Lance Armstrong To Come Out Of Retirement To Sign With Jets

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Lance Armstrong To Come Out Of Retirement To Sign With Jets

In what used to be considered a shocking twist in the sporting world, a former champion has decided that it is time to come out of retirement to once against stake claim in the history books.

Seemingly following in the footsteps of Packer-turned-Jet quarterback Brett Favre, Seven-time Tour de France champion Lance Armstrong has decided that it is time once again to put on spandex and get out the hemorrhoid ointment.

However, in what could actually be described as a shocking twist, Armstrong will not be competing as a cyclist. Instead, he has announced his plans to try his hand at the National Football League.

Reports are sketchy about what kind of contract negotiations are under way and the New York Jets have declined to confirm or deny talks at this time.

Beguiled and downright confused sports reports and fans world wide have been left speechless at the announcement. While there has yet to be an official press conference, the former star of Dodgeball did release a few statements attempting to explain his decision.

First, an emotional explanation:

"Do you have any idea what kind of sh*t I went through with Sheryl Crow? I mean, she was really smart, she used to be a teacher. Meanwhile, that douche Romo gets to hook up with Jessica Simpson. I gotta get me a piece of that."

Second, financial:

"Do you know how much I got for what is easily the hardest test of physical endurance in the world? Jack squat! Meanwhile, you've got back up punters that are getting million dollar contracts. What the f*** is that about?"

Third, inspirational:

"I survived cancer. And not just one kind. I survived testicular cancer that spread to my lungs, abdomen and just about everywhere else that you need to live and look good at the beach. Meanwhile you've got a hick from the South that can't even pronounce his own last name, jumping ship from the Land of Cheese because he feels like he was forced out. Boo f***ing hoo! I got f***ing ball cancer!"

And finally, historical:

"How many cyclists can you name? Me. That's how many. Now how many damn NFL centers can you name, probably at least two. I'm the biggest name in the history of the sport and I get nothing but accusations of steroids. At least guys like Barry Bonds got phat checks and mad hook-ups. I want my name to go down in history the way it belongs. Lance Armstrong—he was the s**t."

While early reports have it that these statements were not in fact released by Armstrong, but by his college roommate Steve who has been crashing on his couch, sources have confirmed that Armstrong feels at least tired about hearing so much Favre talk and would like people to pay attention to him for a while.

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