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In what used to be considered a shocking twist in the sporting world, a former champion has decided that it is time to come out of retirement to once against stake claim in the history books...

Lance Armstrong To Come Out Of Retirement To Sign With Jets

by Jon Grilz [HUMOR]

27

6370 reads

Humor

September 08, 2008


In what used to be considered a shocking twist in the sporting world, a former champion has decided that it is time to come out of retirement to once against stake claim in the history books.

Seemingly following in the footsteps of Packer-turned-Jet quarterback Brett Favre, Seven-time Tour de France champion Lance Armstrong has decided that it is time once again to put on spandex and get out the hemorrhoid ointment.

However, in what could actually be described as a shocking twist, Armstrong will not be competing as a cyclist. Instead, he has announced his plans to try his hand at the National Football League.

Reports are sketchy about what kind of contract negotiations are under way and the New York Jets have declined to confirm or deny talks at this time.

Beguiled and downright confused sports reports and fans world wide have been left speechless at the announcement. While there has yet to be an official press conference, the former star of Dodgeball did release a few statements attempting to explain his decision.

First, an emotional explanation:

"Do you have any idea what kind of sh*t I went through with Sheryl Crow? I mean, she was really smart, she used to be a teacher. Meanwhile, that douche Romo gets to hook up with Jessica Simpson. I gotta get me a piece of that."

Second, financial:

"Do you know how much I got for what is easily the hardest test of physical endurance in the world? Jack squat! Meanwhile, you've got back up punters that are getting million dollar contracts. What the f*** is that about?"

Third, inspirational:

"I survived cancer. And not just one kind. I survived testicular cancer that spread to my lungs, abdomen and just about everywhere else that you need to live and look good at the beach. Meanwhile you've got a hick from the South that can't even pronounce his own last name, jumping ship from the Land of Cheese because he feels like he was forced out. Boo f***ing hoo! I got f***ing ball cancer!"

And finally, historical:

"How many cyclists can you name? Me. That's how many. Now how many damn NFL centers can you name, probably at least two. I'm the biggest name in the history of the sport and I get nothing but accusations of steroids. At least guys like Barry Bonds got phat checks and mad hook-ups. I want my name to go down in history the way it belongs. Lance Armstrong—he was the s**t."

While early reports have it that these statements were not in fact released by Armstrong, but by his college roommate Steve who has been crashing on his couch, sources have confirmed that Armstrong feels at least tired about hearing so much Favre talk and would like people to pay attention to him for a while.

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27 comments Last one added 9 months ago — Leave a Comment

  1. Angel Navedo 9 months ago

    Well.. if he can kick, I'm all for it.

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  2. James Doker 9 months ago

    This was awesome. Thank you so much for writing it.

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  3. noelle bates 9 months ago

    love it!

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  4. Jack New 9 months ago

    A+ title

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  5. Paul 9 months ago

    Nice, very nice!

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  6. L.J. Burgess 9 months ago

    I can not believe the Packers didn't jump in the mix here.

    I guess Lance is a big city boy now.

    (Who is that in the picture btw?)

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  7. Carrington Gupte 9 months ago

    you're kidding right?

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  8. Brendan Majev 9 months ago

    This is hysterical, lol.

    And Carrington, he's only half-kidding.

    Lance is going to come out of retirement, but he ain't signing with the Jets lol...

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  9. Roberto Alvarez-Galloso 9 months ago

    Jon: This is a great article but I am still trying to imagine Lance Armstrong in the NFL and with Brett Favre in the New York Jets. The only thing I could say is that Lance Armstrong could do what he pleases but the NFL and the New York Jets are not an easy team. American Football and Cycling are two different sports.

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  10. Bob Warja 9 months ago

    LMAO Jon! Good work!

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  11. Trever Roby 9 months ago

    I don't want to start anything but I do not believe this story. I have tried to search for anything on this topic and all I can find is articles on Lance Armstrong returning for the 2009 Tour de France. If this is true can you please send me a website or something because I find it really hard to believe that Lance Armstrong would say those things. If it is true, nice story!

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    • Thomas 9 months ago

      yes, we often make bogus articles here so we can have people search helplessly for it on the web. haha. no worries.

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    • MJ Kasprzak 9 months ago

      This is like the one I wrote about Favre going to Tampa people believed even though I claimed to have interviewed flies on a wall! Trever, how could you not realize this was a farce?

      But dude, I got a bone to pick with you--I laughed so hard I woke my wife up! THat's just wrong, dude, just wrong! I would point out things I especially liked, but that would be the whole article!

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    • Jon Grilz 9 months ago

      Thanks MJ, I guess I would apologize, but I am a little insulted that your wife wasn't awake and reading my stuff at the same time.

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  12. Trever Roby 9 months ago

    nevermind bout my comment ha. i get the joke now... sorry guys my bad ha

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  13. thomas moreland 9 months ago

    funny!

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  14. matthew offermann 9 months ago

    dude that is hilarious

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  15. Andrew Pargoff 9 months ago

    Lance Armstrong beat Michael Phelps in a 200 M race last week, ESPN reports. Armstrong was apparently still on his bike in the pool and was said to have won the race by four lengths.

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  1. Brad Simkulet 9 months ago

    hilarious!

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  2. Thomas 9 months ago

    haha, love it my man.

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