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Why Liverpool FC Will Ensure That I Suffer Eternal Damnation

As I have recently turned another year older, I have started to think how I will be judged, as a person, and as a football fan. I suppose, whether you are religious or not, that the spectre of Him upstairs is always ever present.

This being said, I thought I would take a look at how following Liverpool may be judged against the word of god and his 10 commandments. I can't say that I'm happy with the findings:

1. You shall have no other Gods but me.

2. You shall not make for yourself any idol, nor bow down to it or worship it.

3. You shall not misuse the name of the Lord your God.

The first three all seem a little bit similar to me, so I will take them all as one collective unit. Oh dear, oh dear...I walked around for two seasons with "GOD  23" on the back of my football shirt. I still refer to Robbie Fowler as god.

Basically I completely idolised Robbie Fowler, would happily bow down to him in his prime and probably prayed to him to score on quite a few occasions. Does that make me a sinner? It would seem so.

 

4. You shall remember and keep the Sabbath day holy.

When I'm supposed to be being "holy" on a Sunday, I instead find myself stuck in front of the television watching football—often taking the Lord's name in vain. In fact my language in general when watching Liverpool is enough to condemn me.

The fact is church just isn't entertaining when compared to football! If the nativity was commentated by Andy Gray, with post-match analysis on the movement off the ball of the three wise men by Jamie Redknapp and Glenn Hoddle, then it might just be worth going.

 

5. Respect your father and mother.

I have to admit that I have been quite disrespectful to George Gillett (mummy) and Tom Hicks (daddy) the Liverpool owners. For a start they keep promising me they will build me a 70,000 capacity playing area on Stanley Park, but I never see any work being done.

Oh yes, and let's not forget that they refused to spend 18 million pounds on the new all action Gareth Barry action figure for me. At least I know they just want what is best for me...

Or maybe not.

 

6. You must not kill.

I'm going to go quite easy on myself here. I can honestly say I have never killed in the name of Liverpool. However, every time I see footage of Gary Neville celebrating in front of the Liverpool fans, or Rio Ferdinand full stop, I do feel quite angry and would not put murder beyond me!

 

7. You must not commit adultery.

Okay, okay, I admit it. I once went to watch Hull City play. It meant nothing to me, it was a huge mistake. It wasn't better, it was just, you know, different.

 

8. You must not steal.

I couldn't help but look into the faces of Middlesborough fans after Gerrard's recent last minute winner and feel like they had been robbed in some way. Although not personally responsible, I do feel I should be punished for celebrating a great deal and finding the whole thing quite hilarious.

 

9. You must not give false evidence against your neighbour.

10. You must not be envious of your neighbour's goods. You shall not be envious of his house nor his wife, nor anything that belongs to your neighbour.

I'm going to take the last two as one and summarise it as that you shouldn't be jealous or nasty to your neighbour.

I still to this day refuse to accept Manchester United as a football team. They are a corporate killing machine with world domination in mind. They must be stopped, and Mr Ferguson (Sir my arse) should be locked away...

And yes, I am jealous as hell of the fact that they are the Premier League and European champions and definitely covet half of their squad. The bastards.

 

So there you have it. Pretty much 10 from 10. This means I am all but guaranteed an eternity in Hell. Or as I like to call it, watching highlights of Manchester United's greatest games DVD.

At least I know I wont' be alone. Check your own allegiances against the ultimate test.

I'm sure I will see you down there!

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