The New York Jets’ Brian Schottenheimer is one Christmas gift away from being the best offensive coordinator in the NFL. If the team’s fans want to see their heroes in the Super Bowl in February, they’ll chip in now to get Brian an Apple iPad for his holiday present.
Here are six ways the tablet computer will make Schottenheimer a better coach, along with some operating instructions developed specifically for Brian:
1. Learn How To Count
You’re being praised by the team and the media for running a successful offense against Pittsburgh. Some remedial addition needs to be performed here, Shotzie. Special teams accounted for seven of the points scored. The defense scored two with the safety, which leaves only 13 points generated by your offense against a Steeler defense that was operating without its star, Troy Polamalu.
Let the iPad do the math, Brian. And you’ll see that you would’ve lost this game if special teams and the defense didn’t bail you out. Only one lousy touchdown since Thanksgiving? Flip to the iPad’s dictionary and look up the word “pathetic.”
2. iPad and the Packers Will Show You How It’s Done
As soon as you get your new iPad out-of-the-box, Shot Man, tune in to a replay of the Packers/Patriots game. You’ll see how Mike McCarthy worked with rookie quarterback Matt Flynn to run up 27 points on a team you could manage only a field goal against just a few weeks ago.
Take careful note of play design, play calling and how well a rookie quarterback can perform his first NFL game, when he is properly coached and treated like a grown-up. Apart from that last-second drive, the Packers almost won the game, but you’re no stranger to clock management problems yourself.
3. Use It To Practice Play Calling
Download a good football app, Brian, and use it whenever you get the chance. Remember, practice makes perfect.
You’ll also discover that rhythm and momentum are two key elements of successful play calling. You might never use the word wildcat again.
4. Channel the Talents of Your Father
What if Marty Schottenheimer was running the Jets’ superstar offense? The Jets would be unstoppable, Brian, and now the iPad makes this possible.
Your dad would love to design a couple of dozen plays for you and the Jets. He probably wouldn’t mind helping you call plays during the game. Marty will be able to channel all of his ideas and send them directly to your iPad screen. Put away that laminated play sheet, and get an iPad in front of your face. Then refer to your dad’s directions precisely and refer to them often. It will all be in your hands. And you’ll come across as the offensive genius you’ve always dreamt to be.
5. Make Mark Sanchez Your Facebook friend
It’s time to stop treating Mark Sanchez as if he were a freshman plebe, and recognize that he is your equal. In fact, he’s more than your equal. He has the power to get both you and Rex fired if things don’t go well in the next few weeks. Again look to the way the Packers are handling Matt Flynn. In a single game they have established him as one of their leaders.
Luckily, your iPad will help you make up for lost time by opening up the world of social networking to you and Mark. Start by becoming virtual buddies, and before you know it, you’ll be real life friends.
6. Tune in and Chill Out
You look a little too tightly wound out there, Brian my boy. Trade in that Motorola headset for a good pair of headphones and let the iPad be your music machine. Once you relax, you’ll forget about scripting the first 25 plays of the game, and realize that it’s essential that you go with the flow. Start with some Beatles tunes. Marty will like that.