The Five Most Ridiculous (Fictional) Sports Movies Ever: No. 4 — "Goal!"

Santi's dad dies about a day before the game, but he still plays because you know—whatever. Before the game it's revealed that Santi's asthma was misdiagnosed and he has inoperable lung cancer. Okay, I made the cancer bit up.

Santi scores the winning goal for Newcastle before the end of the first movie and talks to his grandma on the phone and she's all like "Don't be sad, your dad loved you! Doesn't this wrap up all that emotional angst you'd been having as a subplot?"

In the second film, on the strength of one start and one goal for Newcastle, the most logical thing happens; Santi is transferred to the most decorated, most important soccer team in the world—Real Madrid.

At this point, he generally starts being an ass towards everyone around him—his wife (who he cheats on), his best friend from Newcastle, his manager Glenn (who he fires) and his half-brother (who steals Santi's car and completely outsmarts him even though he's like, eight).

Again, despite playing like complete crap for most of the movie, being chewed out by his coach and fans and even being thrown in jail—Santi plays in the last match of the season, the UEFA Champions' League Final, scores and then hugs David Beckham as Real Madrid win it all despite a spirited performance by Arsenal and Nick Cannon. Seriously.

Okay, so the third movie hasn't been released yet—and the plot could change before it's in theaters, but it's been generally accepted that the third movie will have Santi called up to the Mexican national team for the 2006 World Cup (despite the fact it's like, 2008). While this isn't hard to believe at all, the movie will probably consist of the following:

1. Santi has some emotional distress that has to do with his family, leading to:
2. Santi getting in trouble and generally playing like crap. That won't matter, because:
3. Everyone will be all like "It's okay, we totally want someone who plays like crap 90% of the time, because you'll turn it around at just the right moment".
4. Santi's team will win its final match thanks to his heroics and the movie ends with Santi hugging David Beckham.

Wait, hold on just a minute here...isn't the third movie going to have Santi playing for Mexico? In the World Cup? Okay, so based on the last two movies, Hollywood wants us to expect that Mexico is going to win the World Cup, even if it is in a movie.

I should've made Goal! the #1 choice on my list.

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