Dirty Words: Sports Cliches That Have to Go
The following sports clichés need to be put to sleep faster than your grandmother's yippy, flatulent, incontinent poodle...
You're an idiot. You mean "uncharted waters," as in faraway seas for which no map yet exists.
"Unchartered" means you're not leasing a boat by the hour.
"HE'S A PLAYMAKER"/"WE NEED PLAYMAKERS"
There's a perfect two-word phrase for "playmaker": "good player"...as in, "our team needs good players," or "Peyton Manning is a good player."
It has the added advantage of being clearer and coming first.
This denotes the user's general disapproval of the person/people setting a new record.
"The Patriots deserve an asterisk cuz they cheated against the Jets."
"Barry Bonds' records get an asterisk."
Whatever dude. Honestly, I just don't know what to say anymore. Whatever. Don't eat ice cream, don't have sex, don't do anything.
Your lack of enjoyment at the wondrous things in sports, and Life, no longer interests ME, and I feel a little sorry for you!*
"HE MADE A GOOD FOOTBALL PLAY"
In other words, while playing football, the guy didn't pull out a mitt or hockey stick and make a play from one of those sports.
* Bear in mind, I was high on steroids and videotaping another sports columnist while I wrote that!
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