So, a milkman walks into an Amish schoolhouse—
But seriously. Early reports were the dude was driven over the edge by the memory of a terrible thing he did twenty years ago. Which had me thinking:
Oh God, please don't be Bill Buckner.
Actually, though: Turns out brother-man just molested two young nieces.
Which, by the way: Nowhere near as funny as anything having to do with Mookie Wilson.
What? Too soon? Before you start choking on your oatmeal, remember that five dead kids in Baghdad ain't a tragedy—it's PE class. If you want to rail against lost innocence, at least be consistent about it...
Like the other big name out of Lancaster Counter, Floyd Landis.
(Alternative capper, for the record: You can't grill an Amlette without emptying a few shells. So maybe you see why I went with Floyd.)
In other news, Representative Mark Foley (R-FL) got bounced from the House for his history of unbecoming (read: cybersexual) liaisons with underage Congressional pages. Citing an ethical compatibility with the school's Catholic creed, Notre Dame hired Foley as its new recruiting coordinator.
House Speaker Dennis Hastert refused to step down amidst allegations that he knew of Foley's inappropriate behavior and failed to take action against it. Early word off the Hill is that Hastert has retained Bengals coach Marvin Lewis in an advisory capacity.
And while we're here: A gay alcoholic Republican? Can we assume then that Foley is also a rabid Duke fan?
As a geopolitical aside, I'm not sure this is what President Dubya had in mind when he talked about winning the ideological struggle of the twenty-first century.
Because: Torture. The name of the game is torture. If we find ourselves extending humanitarian rights to uncharged, unconvicted detainees, the terrorists have already beaten us.
Speaking of which: Any chance we can get Joe Theismann's voice categorized as an "outrage upon personal dignity" under Geneva Article III?
Speaking of which, 2.0: If Joe Theismann and Nancy Pelosi ever procreated, would their spawn in fact be the Antichrist?
And would it look something like Suzy Kolber?
Finally this week, a sublime moment in the history of the civil rights movement, because I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their...incentive clauses:
"Terrell Owens has twenty-five millions reasons why he should be alive."
To which a guy can only say: Preach on, Sister Etheredge. Doc King didn't ever earn hisself no seven-figure signing bonus.
But enough about that all that. You kids have been great; keep the web fires burning 'til next Friday, and don't forget to write your Congressman...