WWE NXT Season 3 mercifully comes to an end tonight, as the WWE's indifferent Internet broadcast crowns its first female winner.
NXT was designed to replace ECW, another brand the WWE unforgivably fumbled, and when the WWE's alternative to a brand they didn't create began to go south, they responded by intentionally sabotaging it like my little cousin does when I start pouring it on in Madden 2010.
Seriously, this kid will have his player run all the way into his own end zone out of frustration because he has yet to develop the will power to stick with something no matter how dim his chances seem.
And that's, in essence, what WWE NXT has become.
This article is designed to both ask and answer the question of who will be victorious in tonight's season finale. However, the real question we need to be asking ourselves is who the hell cares?
If the WWE is going to intentionally botch this show on a week to week basis with their bad jokes, train-wreck segments and constant pining for the end of the hour, why should my two cents be any different?
Let's face it, this show has been ran so far into the ground, most Internet fans don't watch it—and it's an Internet-only show! Hell, the only good thing that has come out of NXT Season 3 is that Wrestlecrap now has enough material to remain in business through 2014.
All crap aside, I'd like to consider myself more professional than the principles involved in NXT. Unlike Michael Cole, I'm not going to order a pizza while writing up this preview. Personally, I've never really been that much of a pizza guy. I'm more into sandwiches. Man, that sounds good.
Anybody know if Subway delivers? Those five-dollar footlongs are ingenious. I just hate how they're always changing which sandwiches actually constitute as a five-dollar footlong. It's as if the more popular a sandwich becomes, the more likely Subway will sneakily take it off the five-dollar footlong menu, put it under the premiums and hope you don't notice until it's too late and they've already charged you $6.95. Unless, of course, you're that guy who changes his order after the sandwich is made. But who wants to be that guy? I hate that guy, you hate that guy.
But I digress.
As far as NXT is concerned, the winner has to be Kaitlyn. A.J. is the Internet darling who may be destined to be slotted in the doomed "close but no cigar" role. Apparently, having a limited independent career and dating Jay Lethal makes you Internet material.
If you want to talk about Internet material, look no further than Kaitlyn. I mean, have you seen those pictures? With the WWE Diva division being quickly degenerated into a beauty pageant, Kaitlyn has my backing based on that criteria alone.
Meanwhile, Naomi Knight hasn't been given any storylines out of the ring that elevate her above the competition the same way her in ring work does. Naomi is basically told to go out there, black it up a bit with some 90s ghetto flava and keep things from falling apart in the ring.
So what if Naomi and A.J. can wrestle—this isn't wrestling, it's the WWE.
Hold on, Adam Hirschfield (Bleacher Report Deputy Editor) just texted me with another assignment list. Just scored an article about Cena being fake fired by the WWE. Be on the lookout for that, it's going to be good.
Or at least a whole lot better than having to talk about NXT.
I mean, are you kidding me? Just who does Hirschfield think I am? Does he know that I was a living room, armchair correspondent for the War against Iraq and the 2010 Midterm Elections? And now he's got me covering this show?
When is this over? Seriously, when does this article hit the 250-word requirement, because this NXT stuff is for the birds.
But I re-digress.
Kaitlyn's ongoing feud with Vickie Guerrero has put her in the good graces with the fans, which just goes to show how great of a heel Guerrero really is. I mean, would anybody really care if Kaitlyn and Brie Bella were fighting over Dolph Ziggler?
Even if it would be more of a real life storyline (Brie and Dolph are currently dating), nobody would know who to cheer for. Both women are too hot to be hated under the current WWE platform (minus LayCool, who get heat in the wrong way), and the mass disdain for Guerrero is just another example of the WWE perpetuating the school of thought that women with inferior looks are all ugly and bitter on the inside too.
If you're a little girl watching at home and you haven't already stuck a finger down your throat, read this paragraph again slowly and get to work.
My Subway sandwich just got delivered. Those idiots messed up the order, I told them no mayonnaise. Now I have to drive all the way there and change my order after the sandwich has already been made. Excuse any typos while I attempt to eat and type at the same time once order has been restored with my seven dollar footlong.
Oops, just woke up from a nap and, ironically enough, I fell asleep on the letter z on my keyboard. I'm just going to go ahead and leave that there in the spirit of indifference to compliment what's been a who-gives-a-crap season of NXT. That sandwich must have given me the tryptophan.
Looking ahead to a possible Season 4, my early odds-on favorite to win is that Mason Ryan kid, provided he hasn't already been called up.
Tyler Black will be your weekly Internet jobber, but he's going to have tough sledding, as he has a hard enough time getting over with those dorks.
In the words of the fictionally hilarious Tom Tucker, I guess beggars can be choosers.
Over 250 words means I'm done. Thank God! Gong me.