Peyton Manning and Colts Foiled by Tom Brady and Randy Moss (Satire)

Bryan HealeyCorrespondent INovember 22, 2010

Look at those flowing locks...
Look at those flowing locks...Harry How/Getty Images

In the hotly anticipated battle royale between the always lovable Peyton Manning and the always beautiful Tom Brady, an unlikely hero rose to the top.

This man, driven by the kind of passion and diligence that is only embodied by those who truly desire victory above all else, stood tall and proud and said, "Don't worry everyone; I got this."

He then, in a moment sure to be remembered forever by the true fans amongst us, legally changed his name to "Ben Green."

English professors around the world rejoiced in the gesture, some brought near to tears, as Mr. Green celebrated the long-awaited change by rushing for 96 yards in the New England Patriots' nail-biting victory over the Indianapolis Colts by a score of 31-28.

Branning Bowl 2010 is sure to be thought of as one of the better match-ups between these two future Hall of Fame inductees, especially for the heart-rending Brady, who looked ready to step into an Herbal Essences commercial, hair flitting about magnificently in the stiff breeze, as he took his first few snaps.

Despite only throwing for 186 yards, Brady looked very sharp, grabbing two touchdown passes, a 123.1 passer rating and according to early estimates, at least four endorsement deals and one cameo appearance in the upcoming Hangover sequel ("man at pool.")

Manning, meanwhile, looked only OK, amassing four touchdowns and 396 yards, but also a rather paltry 96.3 passer rating and an uncharacteristic three interceptions, including one by the always entertaining Randy Moss, who, as expected, made an appearance late in the fourth quarter as the clock was winding down.

Soon after the pick, which the referees controversially allowed to stand despite threats of terrorism by Jim Caldwell, Randy went into the Patriots clubhouse, took a very uncomfortable shower with the team, put on his pajamas and broke out the butterfly net.

Jeff Fisher could not be reached for comment as of this morning, but reports have indicated that he was much too busy playing Scrabble to notice.

Bill Belichick shockingly seemed to smile on several occasions yesterday as the game drew to a close and some have speculated that he may even be ready to release most of the rest of the hostages, confident that his team is capable of winning without "proper motivation."

This is wonderful news for the NFL mediators, some of whom were remembered before yesterday's game by a moment of silence, for tragically and heroically surrendering their lives in the valiant effort to make Belichick feel emotion.

Also having a good game yesterday was the former Keebler Elf and current professional running back, Danny Woodhead.

This man, who is younger than me and has one of the more hilarious last names in sports, rushed for 69 yards and scored one of the more exciting and weaving third quarter touchdowns before donning a red cape and running around the stadium pretending to fly. It was a magical display of youthful exuberance, and it melted the hearts of fans everywhere.

Even Belichick gave Woodhead a gentle tap on the shoulder before having him escorted off the field by the team trainer, Tony "The Wrench" Castillano, for "examination."

NOTES: Tom Brady is now tied for first all-time in consecutive home victories, matching the usually-naked Zombie Favre at 25. He will have a chance to take sole possession of first place on Monday Night Football, December 6th, against the Jets. Also, Wes Welker, who continues to have his internal circuits worked on by NASA scientists, powered himself to five receptions, 58 yards and one touchdown. I am excited to see what he is capable of when the review and repairs are complete and he is once again at full capacity.

The Patriots will square off against the Lions in the annual "Turkey Bowl" this coming Thursday. This is a very special day, played every year in the semi-habitable city of Detroit, in which the Lions pretend to play something resembling football while another team stomps all over them like a small pack of ants that got separated from the colony and were frozen in liquid hydrogen.

It will be fun to drift in and out of consciousness during this game, a stomach full of food, while my family members consider whether or not to call for an ambulance. I can only hope the Patriots have firmly secured a lead before they start CPR, as it will surely impede my view of the television.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!