"Machida whooped my ASS!!"

That right there is why Rampage Jackson is one of the most popular fighters in the MMA universe. He's brutally honest and, though his penchant for the sound byte sometimes gets the better of him, he's one of the few guys in the sport who you can trust when not engaging in hype.

Admittedly, it helps that he can bang with the best of 'em.

Anyway, Jackson's not always right, but he is tonight—that was a brutal decision.

After another stellar offering from the UFC, it was also a thudding end.

Or it would've been had I not been here to save the day with a pic of Arianny...

The two ex-champs finally showed up in the Octagon during the third and final round.

It still wasn't quite the burner we were expecting, but it did turn into a hell of a fight. The opening couple of minutes of the third stanza were a little tepid, but—at about the 3:36 mark—the Dragon caught Jackson with a straight left and followed it up with a savage flurry that was a credit to Rampage's jaw.

Quinton managed to perk up after turtling to survive his onrushing opponent, but Lyoto immediately grabbed the takedown and rode out top position for the majority of the last two minutes. Jackson did manage to threaten an Arona-esque power-bomb with about 40 seconds left, but it was still a clear 10-9 round for Machida.

I've got the Dragon by unanimous decision on my card, but we'll see what the final word is.

Sweet Jesus.

Quinton Jackson defeats Lyoto Machida by split decision (28-29, 29-28, 29-28).

There's a stench beginning to come from the main event—it doesn't quite stink yet, but it's on its way.

The second round was even closer than the first, and not in a good way. Neither fighter was able to land anything of much consequence or gain much of an advantage. Again, Rampage was the clear aggressor, but the Dragon didn't land as many strikes this time around the bend. Additionally, Jackson scored with a very slick takedown, though he couldn't turn it into a definitive edge.

Really, the best performance belonged to Joe Rogan, who astutely pointed out that Quinton is essentially just boxing with mixed martial artists despite his ability to do more.

And that's not exactly the stuff of legend.

Call it 10-9 for Rampage just to keep things interesting.

Eh, pretty mediocre first round from the two former light heavyweight champions.

Lyoto Machida landed more shots, including some kicks to the leg and body that could become an issue as the scrap wears on. However, Rampage was certainly the aggressor, initiated the exchanges and landed some heavy blows of his own.

I'll give it to Machida, 10-9, but consider my previous disclaimer regarding aggression.

Stephen Lovekin/Getty Images

I've been a proud fan of Dwayne "Don't Call Me the Rock" Johnson ever since he played the flamboyantly homosexual bodyguard in Be Cool. Seems like a solid dude with a strong sense of humor despite the size and strength to never need one.

But whenever there's a hardcore promotional blitzkrieg for a flick, my guard goes up.

And the UFC is straight SHOVING this bad rider down our throats. That's a bad sign.

Of the myriad adjectives you could've used to describe the Prodigy, "effusive" wasn't one of them until now. His post-fight interview with Joe Rogan was a sight to behold.

The Hawaiian legend and future Hall of Famer didn't break any new ground when he said he loved Detroit, but the affection didn't stop there. He we went so far as to call Matt Hughes his eternal idol and even pledged his adoration to the UFC.

I think that's probably gonna be the biggest shock of the night.

My dear, I guess the Savior wasn't taking any personal requests tonight. Or maybe he didn't have time.

Regardless, B.J. Penn just ran right through the UFC Hall of Famer and throttled Matt Hughes. The Prodigy came out quickly with his hands and scored several stiff jabs within the first 10 seconds. Within the next 11, the stoppage was in the books.

A counter right floored Hughes and Baby J followed with a few more insults to injury before Dan Miragliotta could dive in the mix.

B.J. Penn defeats Matt Hughes by KO (punch) at 0:21 of the first round.

Now that the pretense has been dissolved and the WEC has officially merged with the UFC, the organization has two new weight divisions—bantamweight and featherweight.

However, the real crown of the corporate maneuver sits atop the 145-pound division. His name is Jose "Junior" Aldo. He is a 24-year-old Brazilian nightmare, you should learn his name and you should learn it well.

Because he is arguably the greatest pound-for-pound fighter going in this day and age. It is a frighteningly gorgeous thing to watch him ply his trade. If you've never seen him tussle, you'll want to find a way to watch UFC 125.

Upon final review—this baby belonged on the preliminary card and my skepticism was warranted.

Falcao knew he had the first two round and coasted to the decision victory. Big Rig landed, what, one strike? His defense was superb and Gerald Harris couldn't muster any offense, but the Brazilian still lost the round via sheer inactivity. Call it 10-9 for Harris and a lackluster win from Maiquel.

Maiquel Falcao defeats Gerald Harris by unanimous decision (29-27, 29-28, 29-28).

That's my first prediction gone awry, but in my very mild defense, I didn't know Falcao was associated with Chute Boxe Academy. Of course, I should've known that so...

The second round unfolded a little faster than the first, but in much the same way.

Gerald Harris was able to reply with a few firm reminders of his presence, but Maiquel Falcao owned the period from the first minute to the last. An assortment of strikes from the feet and on the ground as well as a few more near submission for good measure put Round 2 in the Brazilian's corner by the same margin as the first.

Another 10-9 round for Falcao.

Wow, I was a little confused as to how this pairing got billing about Sotiropoulos/Lauzon, Davis/Boetsch and even Parisyan/Hallman and, for about three minutes, Harris and Falcao validated that confusion.

But then Big Rig erupted a la his Brazilian brethren Anderson Silva, Jose Aldo and Wanderlei Silva.

He spent the first half of the round feeling out the Hurricane before bull-rushing him behind a flurry of punches and dropping him with a combination of said punches/knees. Once on the ground, he was all over Harris like a spider monkey, ultimately securing a wrenching rear-naked choke that would've ended the bout had the horn not saved Gerald.

One of the more bizarre 10-9 rounds I've ever seen goes to Falcao.

As Joe Rogan appropriately pointed out, Boetsch actually had an advantage in the striking against Davis.

Unfortunately for the Barbarian, he couldn't weather the Mr. Wonderful storm. Another in a growing line of brilliant light heavyweight prospects, Davis just swarmed over his adversary with superior wrestling skill and raw, terrifying strength.

Once he secured another takedown, the former All-American collegiate wrestler had his way with Boetsch before locking in a modified kimura that he and Rogan named the "Mr. Wonderful" during the post-fight interview.

Not sure that will stick.

Phil Davis defeats Tim Boetsch by submission (kimura) at 2:55 of the second round.

Tim Boetsch is a tough hombre and he actually has a decent chance if the festivities remain to be of the standing variety.

But the Barbarian just got decimated by Mr. Wonderful for about 180 seconds while the action was on the ground. Davis landed a barrage of snapping kicks to the body and legs, but also got caught a couple times by big shots from his opponent so he proceeded to slam the scrap to the mat.

And there is was all Davis, all the time with elbows, body blows and complete domination. No-brainer 10-9 for Davis.

Huh, well you wouldn't have expected the end to unfold the way it did.

Granted, Sotiropoulos seemed to have an edge on the ground, but he was only able to deploy it effectively because Joe Lauzon was absolutely spent. That had to be totally unexpected considering J-Lau is infamous for going balls to the wall for a full 15 minutes.

Regardless, the American came out on 'E' to start the second and never recovered. George landed his first meaningful strikes before the scrap went to the ground courtesy of a trip from Lauzon that backfired when the Aussie ended up on top.

From there, it was only a matter of time as Lauzon could only muster defense in desperation.

George Sotiropoulos defeats Joe Lauzon by submission (kimura) at 2:43 of the second round.

Ahem, my picks aren't coming flying out of the gates.

Lauzon just spent about five minutes making my proclamation of Sotiropoulos' incremental-but-general superiority look rather moronic. Not only did J-Lau obliterate the Aussie while standing, but he also sprawled with relative ease and thus avoided many of the numerous takedown attempts.

Eventually, the Massachusetts native gassed and slowed noticeably, but it was late enough that George couldn't make up enough ground. Call it 10-9 for Lauzon.