Top 10 Things ESPN Has Accused Cameron Newton of Doing
If you like late-night bombshells and unnamed sources for big news, turn your television to ESPN right now!
If you like being fooled into thinking Brett Favre is retiring or Les Miles is leaving LSU for Michigan, "The Worldwide Leader" is the perfect place for you!
If you like a nice, satirical article about all the things ESPN has accused Auburn QB Cam Newton of doing, then read this and then turn it over to ESPN to laugh at how poor their journalism skills are!
10. Starting World War II
Turns out it wasn't Hitler.
An unnamed source told another unnamed source, who then told ESPN that Cameron Newton is responsible for the start of World War II.
9. Inventing The Snuggie
The worldwide laughingstock known as the Snuggie was, according to a source, invented by Cam Newton.
He got the idea when he was at Florida with Tim Tebow and Urban Meyer. Yep...he thought Urban Meyer was cold, so he invented it. There you go.
8. Let the Dogs Out
An unnamed source close to the Baha Men, rumored to be boosters at Mississippi State, said that after a thorough investigation, it has been discovered that Cameron Newton let the dogs out.
Who let the dogs out? Cam, Cam, Cam!
7. Stole Christmas
Let me explain: the Grinch did indeed steal Christmas.
But on his way back up the mountain, according to a source, Cam Newton thought the Grinch was a linebacker. So he tackled the Grinch. Cam then picked up Christmas and ran away.
Santa Claus declined comment.
6. Killing the Great Pumpkin
There's a reason the Great Pumpkin never showed up to Linus in that pumpkin patch in It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown.
According to alleged neighbor Snoopy, Cam Newton destroyed the Great Pumpkin the previous night. Snoopy also said that the Great Pumpkin received text messages from Cecil Newton saying, "If you aren't on our front porch Halloween Night, you're gonna get smashed."
Snoopy claims he accidentally ate the phone two weeks later.
5. Messing with Sasquatch
Like the Jack Link's commercials, an unnamed source claims that Cameron Newton messed with Sasquatch.
However, when the Sasquatch tried to retaliate like it always does, Cam Newton juked out of the way, and the Sasquatch fell face-first into a pie.
This story is a little weird.
4. Killing Mr. Body in the Ballroom with a Rope
Welcome to a game of ESPN's Clue! In the game, Cam Newton is the only suspect; it's only a matter of which room it occurred in and which weapon he used.
Talk about a fair game, huh?
3. Cursing the Cubs
According to Foxsports.com's Thayer Evans, Cam Newton is the sole reason why the Chicago Cubs haven't won a World Series in over 100 years.
No amount of goat-slayings or Bartman-hating will ever change the fact that it's Cam's fault.
2. Attempting To Dethrone Doug Heffernan as the King of Queens
That's right, Cam's been to New York. According to next-door neighbor Lou Ferrigno, Cam Newton attempted a coup to dethrone Doug Heffernan (Kevin James) as the King of Queens.
Old man Arthur declined to comment.
1. Joining Teammates in Cruel Animal Abuse
In Auburn's locker room, reporters found slain bodies of a red wolf, several bulldogs, several tigers, a warhawk, a wildcat, a razorback pig and a black bear.
Everybody points to Cam Newton as being responsible for this, but he has not yet been stopped by anyone, and he plans on slaying an elephant, a chicken and a duck in the near future.