Nevada Football: Dear God, Please Help the Wolf Pack Fang the Covetous Broncos
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We don't speak often enough, especially about football. I know, I know—you're quite busy feeding the hungry, sheltering the homeless and so on. Necessary and awe-inspiring work, to be sure.
But I must request that, for one Friday, you use your powers in the college football universe. More to the point, I implore you to help Nevada wolf down BCS-coveting Boise State.
Although you're all-knowing and read this article before its inception, I nonetheless present to you, the Almighty, 10 reasons why Nevada is holier than Boise State:
Smurf Turf: You created nature. Natural grass is green. Boise State plays on a blue surface. Very anti-God.
Kellen Moore: The Bronco QB lists Charles Darwin as his favorite author.
Colin Kaepernick: The Nevada signal-caller argues incessantly for creationism and against evolution. In addition, the wristband he consults during games includes Bible verses, not plays.
BCS Busters: A recent poll discovered that 93.7 percent of church-going Americans despise BCS busters like Boise State. (Contrary to accepted wisdom, we the people prefer Goliath over David.)
Idaho: In the Bible, Jesus refers to the state of Idaho as your "greatest mistake." Help correct that blunder.
Chris Petersen: The Boise State head coach pelts rabbits with a BB gun for sport. No living creatures are more virtuous than Peter Cottontail and his pals.
Chris Ault: Since 2001, the Wolf Pack coach has donated $3.3 million to charitable causes. His pet cause: SRFCP (Save Rabbits from Chris Petersen). Moreover, according to Ault, he's "60 percent done" building a modern version of The Ark.
Notre Dame: I read your latest Twitter entry (www.twitter.com/God) in which you claimed Notre Dame as "your team." Fair enough, considering Touchdown Jesus and all. So I pose this question: Do you want Boise State to swipe a BCS bid from your 5-5 Irish?
Vai Taua/Doug Martin: Wolf Pack RB Vai Taua recites the Lord's Prayer before each game. Taua's backfield foe, Doug Martin, chooses NWA's Straight Outta Compton album for his "sermon" (Parental Advisory: Explicit Content).
National Championship Game: Even you, God, might not be able to stomach an Oregon-Boise State National Championship matchup. Oregon is unholy enough with that newfangled fast-break offense. Add Boise State's disbelieving quarterback and PETA-unfriendly coach, and the University of Phoenix Stadium will be nothing more than the devil's playground come title time.
Of course, if Auburn defeats Alabama and South Carolina—and Oregon bests Arizona and Oregon State—this article will, in the end, serve no purpose. But with the Broncos poised to gallop past TCU in the BCS standings and Auburn facing two stalwart opponents, the likelihood of Boise State in Glendale, Ariz., on Jan. 10 is just too great.
Therefore, God, I must, on behalf of the Nevada Wolf Pack and nearly 94 percent of U.S. citizens, ask for a bit of divine intervention starting at 10:15 PM ET on Nov. 26.
Let us pray.
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