Do the San Antonio Spurs Have the Worst Fans in American History?
Which professional sports franchise has the worst fans in the history of recorded unsportsmanlike conduct?
Reason with me on the San Antonio River Walk—if you have no fear. One could be pushed into the creek—which masquerades as a river—for voicing unpopular opinions about the Spurs.
Make sure to take notes on your observations while we're reasoning. The cops will ask for them during their investigation.
Note: It's almost blasphemy to call your team "The Lord." It is definitely not right to spell it in singular form.
Are there other fans this brazen? Maybe. Read on to find out. I love being a sports satirist.
10. Florida Marlins: The Fish Saved Pittsburgh and Flopped in Florida
Foul! Illegal use of a sports venue—and a dash. There aren't enough of you all who come to the games for me to write anything too negative.
Being such a positive guy, I'm positively sure you all belong on this list.
9. Tampa Bay Rays: Let the Sunshine in Tropicana Field
Refusing to show up to see an outstanding team shows outstanding nerve. Vetoing a better stadium is even worse.
Is there any argument? I didn't believe so.
8. Chicago Cubs: Forget the Party for a Second in Favor of the Game
One word: Bartman. Or is that two? The Cubs have plenty of fans who come to the game to drink adult beverages more than watch the game.
The franchise has suffered from one of the longest title droughts in all of sports. I blame their fans. The fans blame their fans.
One fan, Bartman, became an enemy of Cubs Nation. How quickly North Siders turn on one of their very own.
Get better at cheering—for your team's sake.
7. Oakland Raiders: Fear the Black Hole
They have been reported to battle one another with broken beer bottles in the tailgate section. Even if these are false reports, there are enough true ones to go around.
Raiders have gotten beaten up by local rowdies. What can enemy players expect? The "Black Hole" is one place I would refuse to do a report from.
I'm kidding. I'd love to report from there—but of course. Risking life and limb to bring you the truth is what I do.
6. Los Angeles Dodgers: Dodge Ball Means Avoid the Game by Necessary Means
For years, they have been known to arrive late and leave early. Even when their team is winning in bunches, the seats are half-full.
There are many things to do in L.A. other than attend a stupid baseball game—obviously.
It should be clear the Lakers own L.A., but the Dodgers' legacy of winning isn't shabby. They deserve better than fair-weather fans.
5. San Francisco Giants: Getting Blown Away by the Bay
Several members of the media reported smelling Mary Jane spewing from the stands during this year's baseball playoffs.
I realize M.J. is legal in some circles in California, but there is no excuse. Blowing trees from the first base line stands is just a bit outside the lines of public decency.
I've heard of going green, but your team's colors are black and orange—not purple haze or blue magic.
The San Francisco area is known for its hippies, but it's not cool to get the other team intoxicated with Indonesia smoke.
4. New York Yankees: Are Uzzis Really Allowed Inside Their Stadium?
One of the most winning franchises ever has long been accused of having the worst fans one can imagine.
Whoever says the Yankees fans—I call them "Jankees"—are the worst hasn't had any interaction with Spurs fans. Can you guess where this is going?
New Yorkers are known for their "wrongoing" rudeness in and out of sporting venues.
My first experience in New York, upon emerging from the Lincoln Tunnel, was a New Yorker slamming both hands on my car's hood. He was sporting a Yankees fitted cap.
I guess I was an inch over the pedestrian crossing line. For the record, guns are not allowed in Yankee Stadium—I'm serious.
3. Atlanta Braves: Show Some Bravado Once in a While
While the team was winning division title after division title, their home crowds got smaller and smaller. Maybe it's gotten better, but I doubt it.
Once fans gain a reputation for poor support, it is hard to change the public perception.
I'm keeping hope alive for you all. I hope y'all help me out. Go see a great team in the playoffs. It's an honor.
2. Philadelphia Eagles: Santa Claus Is Coming Back for Revenge
Any occasion of fans cheering an opposing player who is motionless on the gridiron deserves to be No. 1. I have firsthand experience, however, with the worst fans ever to disgrace Earth.
Not only did some of Philly snowball Santa back in the day, in these days they cheered when Michael Irvin was motionless on the field—how disgusting.
These rooters turned the "City of Brotherly Love" into the harbor of hate and animosity.
1. San Antonio Spurs: Wear Lakers Gear at Your Risk
They don't hesitate to talk about your mother in comments if you post a column they disagree with. They will also throw in gender slurs.
Talk about unsportsmanlike conduct, they behave totally classless when their team wins—double disgusting.
The term "Internet bully" is too good for some of these people. I call them Internet thugs. Tim Duncan—the classy Tim Duncan—is ashamed of some of these people's behavior.
Learn how to win and maybe the sports world will hold you all in higher regard. As for Eva, she is cool with me. She's a Lakers' Girl.