Jenn Sterger: Now That She's Talked, What Does It Mean For Brett Favre?
Jenn Sterger met for several hours with the NFL today, specifically security director Milt Ahlerich, and now everyone is whispering, "What did she say? What did Brett Favre do? Boy, she's hot." Oh wait, that last one was what I was thinking.
Anyway, now Brett Favre's fate is "in the hands of the NFL," said Joseph Conway, Sterger's attorney.
Of course, the allegations are that Brett Favre sent naughty texts and "salacious" photos to the former New York Jets game hostess when he was with the Jets in 2008. And by "salacious" I mean "gross."
As the fate of the crumbling empire of Brett Favre hangs in the balance, here are 10 potential outcomes for Brett Favre.
Notice I said Brett Favre's full name the entire time. It has been engrained in my head forever. Brett Favre. Brett Favre. Brett Favre.
10. Brett Favre Will Be Given a Restraining Order For All NFL Game Hostesses
Now that's enough to make any NFL player cry. Brett Favre will ask if this includes Jenn Sterger, and the judge will say, "Yes, yes, that includes Jenn Sterger...you creep."
Favre will cry. Then Jenn Sterger will send him a text of the next hottest hostess just to tease him, and he will cry some more.
9. Brett Favre Will Fake Death To Escape From The Spotlight
In light of the chance he might be suspended for the remainder of the season, Brett Favre will fake his own death on the football field to try to escape from football for good. Once he isn't playing football, no one will care what horrible things he put Jenn Sterger through and he will be able to finally relax.
His team doctor, Moby (see picture), will back up his story.
8. Jenn Sterger Will Send Naughty Pics to Favre of Her and Mark Sanchez
Brett Favre will wake up one day to see pictures (and video with the new iPhone Deluxe) of Jenn Sterger and Mark Sanchez hooking up in various ways, and laughing at him.
Mark Sanchez will just be happy that two 2010 Jets employees found a way to score.
This photo was taken before the two broke off their friendship forever.
7. Brett Favre's Contract With Wrangler Will Be Suspended
Brett Favre used to be that guy who everyone liked. In his Wrangler ads, he came off as just one of the guys. Unfortunately, he turned out to be too much of a warm-blooded Alpha male.
He won't be feeling too COMFORTABLE when Wrangler suspends his contract indefinitely for the rest of his career.
In light of his suspension, Saturday Night Live will do a knock-off of his ad just to really stick it to him.
Wait, SNL already did? Ouch.
6. Brett Favre Hires Robert Shapiro, Escapes Suspension
When all the clues are pointing to you and you are undoubtedly guilty, what do you do?
Hire an attorney that was part of the team that successfully defended O.J. Simpson, of course. Shapiro devises a scheme to acquit Favre of all charges, culminating in the words, "The size does not fit."
He, of course, will be referring to Brett Favre's private parts, which, sadly for Brett Favre, don't match the edited photos he sent Jenn Sterger.
Brett Favre is simply slapped with an unnecessary roughness penalty and the court calls it at that.
5. Commish Roger Goodell Hands Out a Four-Game "Roethlisberger" Suspension
In what Roger Goodell will refer to as a "Roethlisberger suspension," i.e. "a suspension given out for any lewd, gross, or disgusting behavior," Goodell will suspend Favre for four games of the 2010 season.
During this four-game suspension, Brett Favre will be forced to party with none other than Ben Roethlisberger and his wild ways and show self-control in an estrogen-filled environment.
4. Brett Favre Will Be Forced To Back Up Tavaris Jackson
"If you ever want to play NFL football again," Roger Goodell will say, "you will have to back up Tavaris Jackson for the entire 2010 season."
Goodell will continue, "And I know you aren't ever going to retire, or leave me alone for that matter."
Favre will be trashed in Minnesota newspapers and sports sites, with headlines such as, "Action Jackson getting more action than Brett Favre these days," "Is that an ancient Viking or is it just Brett Favre?" and "If only Brett Favre was as fast as Tavaris, then he could run away from this nightmare of his."
The media and fans will be unrelenting as he watches from the sidelines, ashamed and broken. He will be so bored he will start texting again...
3. Brett Favre Will Be Traded To Green Bay To Be Mentored By Aaron Rodgers
In a swift disciplinary move, the Vikings punish Brett Favre's behavior by trading him to none other than his former team, the Green Bay Packers, where he refused to mentor the young Aaron Rodgers and is now disliked.
Aaron Rodgers chides Brett Favre the entire season, giving him pointers on how not to throw interceptions and how to keep a clean slate off the field.
The Green Bay media and its fanbase have a field day from Day One.
Brett Favre ends the season on a bitter note.
2. Brett Favre Retires
There...I said it. I know, I know, it's crazy, but with the Vikings 3-5 after Week 9 and the chance clear evidence could expose the Great Favre to the masses, Brett Favre might just call it quits at this point.
Let's face it, Brett Favre's not having a lot of fun this season and if he thinks his image is tarnished now for continually playing with people's minds in his retirement speeches, he ain't seen nothing yet.
If downright exposed, the man could fall faster than Rod Blagojevich (who is currently starting a new blog to generate revenue, Blago's Blog...dot com).
Jenn Sterger will finally get what she wanted all along, to see the Great Favre Empire burn to the ground.
1. Everytime Brett Favre Backs Out Of Retirement, He Is Given A Year Suspension
The perfect antidote to ever letting Brett Favre on the field again. He has become infamous the last few years (how many years has it been, it feels like 10) for announcing his retirement, only to come right back and announce right before the season starts that he's not retiring after all.
If Roger Goodell enforces the rule that every time Favre comes back from retirement he has to wait a whole year to come back, Brett Favre would never do it again.
Plus, he wouldn't come back period, knowing he couldn't playing with people's minds anymore. It's the perfect solution.