A Look Into The Future For The MLB
Besides the East Coast bias-based awards announced each day this week, there’s not much going on in mid-November for baseball. The top story today involved Brian Cashman flying to Arkansas, not particularly interesting considering everyone already knew the Yanks are going to negotiate with Cliff Lee.
To fill in some of the empty space between news of an executive boarding a plane and complaints about the Gold Glove voting system, I have skipped ahead of this winter, got out my crystal ball and compiled a list of ten things for fans to watch for in the near future.
Bud Selig retains his job as commissioner for the better part of the decade, leaving baseball in the Stone Age compared to the NFL and NBA. Instead of using new technology to make instant replay for all calls useful and quick, Bud Selig actually orders all televisions and scoreboards to be removed from ballparks in order to not strain the eyes of fellow senior citizens from his knitting club.
In a lapse of memory and moment of confusion for his frail mind, he announces the World Series MVP in 2014 on live TV but accidentally say, “The MVP award goes to Cy Young.” Jose Guillen, the correct recipient of the award, proceeds to throw a chair across the room and snipes that he’s, “sick and tired of people saying Cy Young was a better player than me, and not giving me the credit of being the best player in the MLB like I deserve.”
Barry Bonds doesn’t get elected to the Hall of Fame, but he is immortalized in the Guinness Book of World Records for the largest head to testicle size ratio ever, 500:1.
In a pathetic attempt to slug their way to a World Series title, the Cubs sign Chase Headley to a five year, $115 million deal before the 2012 season. GM Jim Hendry says, “We feel like Headley gives us the best shot to win a title. Some say Jose Bautista is the best bat available at third base, but we don’t want to overpay for someone so far up there in years. Headley is very young, and his power poses a real threat to other teams. I mean, come on, how many sixth hitters can drop ten bombs a year?”
Bleacherreport.com starts a new website called bleacheratabat.com, where an ordinary fan can register a username and take at-bats for the Baltimore Orioles. The site is amazingly popular, allowing thousands of users to combine for 95% of all Baltimore at-bats during the 2014 season. The team bats .019 with three homers, though pitching phenomenon Nick Swisher holds the opposition in check with a 1.03 ERA in 180 innings after discovering his gift for getting outs in 2009 and switching full-time to pitching.
Manny Ramirez signs with the Diamondbacks in 2013 and hits 34 homeruns by corking his bat. Because he is the star player of the team, the owners comply with Manny’s request and fire manager Kirk Gibson. Manny becomes player-manager and plays shortstop. Surprisingly, Manny goes for the ball only when he’s got a shot at making a Web Gem play, and every pitcher decides to gang beat him in the parking lot after a game in August, ending his career.
The Pittsburgh Pirates compile an astounding record of 1-161 in 2016. After a season in which two fourteen year-olds appear on the roster and the club wins 32 games, the whole organization flat-out quits. None of the players or staff show up to any game and the team forfeits every game on their schedule. Their only win occurs when the Pirates do not show up for the first two games of a series in New York against the Yankees. Joe Girardi tells his players not to come to the ballpark for the third game, not even for a workout, like the previous two days. Since it is a New York home game and the Yankees don’t show up, Pittsburgh is awarded the win.
After he is forced to retire from the NFL because of a snapped ankle bone and a detached right arm, Brett Favre gets a prosthetic and joins the far-less dangerous sport of baseball at 47. Playing right field for the media-desperate Blue Jays, he hits .022 with one weak ground ball that the 350-pound CC Sabathia (disregarding his weight late in his career) can’t quite get to.
The next month, just to be a jerk, Hal Steinbrenner moves a three-game series against the Blue Jays to Green Bay, setting single-game records for most boos in one at-bat and beer cups thrown from the stands at one player.
The Toronto Blue Jays win 98 games in 2013, enough to win the wild card. But because of the lack of national media coverage for Toronto, no one realizes how great the Jays do, including Major League Baseball. The playoff spot instead goes to the 96-66 Rays.
In 2016, the Colorado Rockies give up trying to develop quality pitching and start swinging for the fences. The Monforts do away with the humidor, move the fences in twenty feet, and trade Ubaldo, Chacin and Matzek for Pujols and Rasmus. They score 1,200 runs, but their pitching staff allows seven runs per nine innings. The Rockies finish with an 80-82 record.
Due to increased East Coast bias by ESPN, a new rule is made that nationally televised games must feature the Atlanta Braves, New York Yankees or LA Dodgers. By 2025, most fans under the age of fifteen have never heard of the Kansas City Royals.