SATIRE— So, I get that Michael Cole's shtick is to applaud the most obnoxious aspects of the show: The Miz, Del Rio, Vicky Guerrero and, perhaps strangest of all, Stand Up for WWE.
I don't understand the motive behind Cole's heel-licking, though. Does he thrive on taking heat? Is there a bet with Jerry Lawler? Is he just attracted to The Miz' forehead? We caught up with Mr. Cole for an email interview (or, at least, you can't prove we didn't...).
Ben: Michael Cole, you're clearly an, er—fan of The Miz, so what about the guy inspires you particularly?
Cole: Oh, I love the Miz. The Miz is the future of the WWE. He's a former United States champion. He's Mr. Money in the Bank. He's confident. He's charismatic, handsome, talented, adroit, proficient. He's—he's...Hrm, the Internet thesaurus isn't loading...
Ben: I'm interested to know why you supported him over, say, Daniel Bryan. See, most people instinctively favour the underdog: the David figure taking on the might of a Goliath.
Cole: Oh, you've godda respect Goliath. I mean, Goliath was strong, he looked great and he was fearless as well. He said he'd take on any Israelite who'd challenge him and I admire that. It's disgusting that David wasn't man enough to face him one-on-one and threw a low blow like that.
Ben: But see, however crude the story is it represents the struggle between good and evil. Take a modern example: the Rebels taking on Darth.
Cole: Darth Vader. You've godda respect Darth Vader. I mean, that man was trained by Obi Wan Kenobi. He was strong, he looked great and he was the best fighter in the whole Galactic Empire, if not the entire WWE universe. I think it's disgusting that Luke Skywalker showed no respect to the better man. He was a loser, really. A nerd.
Ben: Jesus, Cole, would you have supported Mussolini?
Cole: Hey, he made the trains run on time.
Ben: I think I've got it, you know. The entire Cole shtick is built on feeding off the power of alpha individuals. The power as you see it, anyway: the brashest, most aggressive people; the loudmouths; the Del Rios, Goliaths and Mussolinis. It's as if you're a natural submissive with a vague and stifled urge to dominate that you express through favoured wrestlers. It's like...
Cole: I'm going to have to stop you there, Ben, I've got an email coming in.
Ben: Oh, right.
Cole: Yes, I have an email—an email FROM THE ANONYMOUS RAW GENERAL MANAG...
Ben: Oooh, okay. Cut! Cut!
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