College Football's Worst Teams: The Terrible 10 Trudging Towards Turkey Day
Maybe it was the mini collider making mini black holes on Carl Sagan Day that did it.
Maybe it was the Planter Peanut Man beginning to talk in a voice that sounded bizarrely like Iron Man.
Maybe it was the Goodwrench Man being sent to sleep with the fishes.
Whatever it was something shook something loose in Billy the Kid country.
New Mexico has been liberated. Los Lobos has won.
The New Mexico Lobos followed their cross-state brethren New Mexico Aggies to the light and whipped the Wyoming Cowboys with a last-second field goal.
It was the biggest win in New Mexico since the Battle of Glorieta Pass stopped conference expansion and sent the SEC slinking back east.
The Terrible 10 top spot has become more unstable than a 1930s Central American country with a large, and unhappy, United Fruit office.
What would Sam the Banana Man say about the scramble for the top spot of terrible teams?
1. The Akron Zipped (0-10)
The utterly hapless Akron Zips, thanks to an amazingly bad early-season loss to the Gardner-Webb Running Bulldogs, have zapped past the state of New Mexico and the Western Kentucky Hilltoppers to become the only winless football team in Division I.
Only the Miami Ohio RedHawks, the Buffalo Bulls and a rumored Worst Team in Ohio Bowl against the Cincinnati Bengals stand in the way of a defeated Zipper season.
Come on Zips, ye can be zipped!
2. San Jose State Spartans (1-8)
After being nailed by New Mexico State on Halloween weekend the easily slaughtered Spartans are preparing to spend some of those big bucks they earned by being beaten by Alabama and Wisconsin.
After that road loss at New Mexico the Spartans travel to Hawaii and Idaho to be clubbed by the former Rainbow Warriors of the pacific and current Vandals of the cold west.
In between trips San Jose also plans to spend some quality time at home being soundly slapped by Louie Louie Tech and Utah State.
Sounds like a lovely holiday season!
3. UNLV Run Over Rebels (1-8)
The last team to do this badly in Vegas was Clark Grizwold when Wayne Newton stole his woman and Sin City took his money in Vegas Vacation.
But at least he had a free Randy Quaid, currently a crazy Canadian exile, to entertain him.
Not much joy in being a Rebel fan.
Maybe they ought to start a Free Randy Quaid section.
4. Colorado Dan Hawkins
Often, when the wagon trains of the old West began their trek towards Pac-10 country, wagon masters decided to dump excess baggage that would bog them down in the high passes and low deserts.
Someone told Colorado Dan to go scout over that far hill and while he was gone the Buffalo herd and its wagons went west much lighter and in better spirits.
Still there are the memories.
Ndamukong Suh, late of Nebraska, told the NY Post that his fondest memory on the football field was returning an interception for a touchdown against Colorado...and running over the coach's son on the way to the end zone.
Memories like that just cannot be made in holiday backyard Turkey bowls.
5. Minnesota Gone Gone Gone Golden Gophers (1-9)
After sneaking by the Middle Tennessee Blue Raiders by seven in Week 1 the Gophers have been gassed by nine straight ball clubs.
Thank Odin they have that mad mini circus called Brett, Brad and the Traveling Vikings playing in the same state to provide laughter, tears and most importantly distractions.
6. Michigan Defense (Somewhere giving up 33 to someone)
What exactly was it about Greg Robinson's tenure at Syracuse that made Michigan say, "This is our man"?
Players do not get a little open against the Wolverines they get no defender around for 20 yards wide open.
It really is a talent to be that terrible.
7. Memphis Tigers (1-8)
Even if they gave Elvis free fried banana and peanut butter sandwiches he could not watch this mess in Memphis.
8. Washington State Cougars (1-9)
Every night the team thanks the Montana State Bobcats, who they barely nipped 23-22 in Week 2, for saving them from an Akron Zipped type of season.
The most shocking news of the week was....
9. The State of Tennessee (8-18)
Commodores, Volunteers and Blue Raiders are all bad.
But what's worse for Nashville is that Gwyneth Paltrow, late of La La Land but now a Londonite but who is, apparently, pure faux British country at heart, has decided to make a country and western movie and record.
Aye, when one thinks Paltrow one thinks Carter Sisters or, at least, a severed, finally silent, head in a box in Seven.
Still one worries if that fake British accent, shrilly churning out phony country tunes, will make country western fans' heads explode like the doomed Martians in Mars Attacks when they first hear a yodel.
In Mars Attacks the evil Martians put Sarah Jessica Parker's still talking Sex in The City head on a small dog so maybe the country crooners can make Paltrow a star.
Anything is possible, Bubba, even Middle Tennessee being the best ball club in the state.
10. The Louie, Louie Louie's (9-13)
The three little Lou's—Tech, Monroe and Lafayette—all have had losing seasons.
It has to be depressing for anyone named Lou and most of Louisiana.
Even the fans at Lou Albano stated seem down, rubber bands on beards dipping sadly in beers...and that's not like them at all.
Lou's everywhere can only hope Les Miles of Lou State does not lose his Time Clock Coach again this season or all the Lou's will be livid.
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