Chad Ochocinco, Tim Tebow, LeBron James and 10 Pro Athlete Dream Dates
I consider myself to be a pretty normal sports fan, and as a fan, I love watching my favorite teams make the big plays. I love reading stats online and listening to play-by-play on the radio.
As a fan, I love the game.
But as a woman, I have grown to love a different aspect of sports: the athletes.
Men may seem to have more access to eye candy with plenty of cheerleaders and “WAGs” to drool over, but women get the best of both worlds.
The world of sports has brought together some of the country’s finest specimen, and don’t think for one second that the average female sports fan hasn’t noticed. The best part about being a woman who loves sports is that I not only get to watch the games I love, but I also get to take in the magnificent scenery.
And sometimes I find myself daydreaming about dating some of the country’s top athletes.
You know…where we’d go, what we’d talk about and how the date would end.
I’m only human, right?
So here are my dream dates with 10 of today’s most famous athletes and how I picture the night going.
Where We’ll Go: I will suggest one of my favorite local restaurants, but I will soon find that to be a bad call. Randy has a taste for the finer things in life, and he will scream at our waiter about how disgusting he finds the food.
What We’ll Talk About: I won’t have a chance to learn very much about Randy because he will refuse to answer my questions…
But then he’ll complain that I’m not paying enough attention to him.
Randy will then go on to talk about how much he misses his ex-girlfriend.
How He’ll Try To Close the Deal: I will be understandably hesitant to agree to a second date, but Randy will throw a temper tantrum until I say yes.
Where We’ll Go: Matt will ask me to meet him at the Theta Chi house, but when I arrive and ask for him, the fraternity members will look very confused.
“Matt? Who’s Matt?”
“You know, Matt Leinart. He went to USC. He plays for the Texans.”
“Wait…Is he an older dude? Thinks he’s an NFL quarterback?”
“Uh…I guess so.”
“Uncle Matty! You guys, this chick is here to see Uncle Matty! Dude just showed up here a couple years ago and never left. It’s cool though cause he buys us beer.”
What We’ll Talk About: After the bros direct me to the beer pong table in the basement, Matt spends the night trying to convince me to get in the hot tub…while he hits on freshman girls.
How He’ll Try to Close the Deal: He asks me if he can walk me to my dorm.
Where We’ll Go: A fashion show. I know it’s a little strange that a hockey player would choose Fashion Week for our date, but who am I to judge?
What We’ll Talk About: We won’t really have what you’d call a “conversation.” It will be more like Sean listing all the things he hates (which will turn out to be longer than I could ever imagine) while I listen.
How He’ll Try to Close the Deal: By the end of the night, I will be a little insulted from Sean scrutinizing my wardrobe.
And a guy playing with Barbie dolls is kind of a deal-breaker. I don’t care who you are.
Even though there will be no second date, I won’t dare go out with another hockey player.
We all saw how that worked out for Elisha Cuthbert.
Where We’ll Go: At first I will find Chuck E. Cheese’s to be kind of a weird place for a weird date, but Mark is cute. So I’ll go along with it.
What We’ll Talk About: After requesting a booster seat for Marky Poo, he will want to head to the ball pit where he will proceed to push me down, call me names and pull my hair.
How He’ll Try To Close the Deal: I will have to wait for Mark to trade in his tickets for some Laffy Taffy and some temporary tattoos, and then he will ask if I want to come back to his tree house so he can show me his Hot Wheels collection.
Where We’ll Go: As long as they serve beer, Ben won’t care where we have our first date.
He will pick me up and present me with a t-shirt that reads “DTF.”
What We’ll Talk About: In between tequila shots, Ben will keep asking me if I need to use the restroom. Even when I have to pee, I’ll hold it.
How He’ll Try To Close the Deal: He won’t. It’s a little difficult to be charming when you’re passed out at the bar.
Where We’ll Go: I would love to watch my man tear it up on the field, but this time we will both be watching a Saints game from the sidelines.
What We’ll Talk About: Every time the conversation will start to get interesting, Reggie and I will be interrupted by a phone call from some girl named “Kim.”
Back off, bitch. You had your chance.
How He’ll Try To Close the Deal: Reggie will ask me if I want to go out again the next day…and the next day…and the next.
I think somebody has quite a bit of time on his hands.
Doug Pensinger/Getty Images
Where We’ll Go: Sunday afternoon seems like a strange time to have a date, but Tim insists that he knows just the place to grab a bite to eat.
His church potluck.
What We’ll Talk About: Tim will be a perfect gentleman. We will talk about football and our dogs…
But then I will get a little annoyed when he keeps suggesting that I wear a purity ring.
How He’ll Try To Close the Deal: A handshake.
Oh Timmy. You’re such a tease.
Jamie Sabau/Getty Images
Where We’ll Go: Chad is absolutely in love with the city of Cincinnati, so we will probably have dinner at Montgomery Inn.
But all these random fans will keep showing up.
“Chad, how do all these people know where we’re eating?”
“Sorry baby. I gotta stay connected with my Tweeps!”
What We’ll Talk About: It will turn out that Chad is actually pretty funny…
Too bad he insists on explaining every joke to me no matter how many times I tell him I get it.
“What happened when the dog went to the flea circus?”
“He stole the show!”
“You know, cause dogs attract fleas.”
“I get it Chad.”
“And all the fleas would jump on the dog…”
“I said I got it.”
How He’ll Try To Close the Deal: At the end of the night, I will have to make a pit stop at Chad’s place.
Hey…I have to wash all of the pigeon poop off of me somewhere!
Where We’ll Go: Dinner and a movie. I don’t exactly know where we’d be going. LeBron will have to consult with all of his friends first because, naturally, they’d be joining us.
What We’ll Talk About: There probably won’t be much conversation because as soon as the waiter comes to take our order, LeBron will have to give Jim Gray a call so ESPN can broadcast an hour long special as he decides what to eat.
How He’ll Try To Close The Deal: I imagine LeBron saying something like this:
“LeBron James had a nice time tonight. LeBron James would like to take you out again. Do you have plans next Friday because LeBron James thinks we should do this again sometime.”
Where We’ll Go: Well, after waiting around for months for Brett to decide if he will actually show up for the date, I will fly down to Mississippi and bring him up north.
And then our date will probably consist of a series of doctors’ appointments (Hey, he isn’t getting any younger, folks!).
What We’ll Talk About: He will give ambiguous answers to every question I ask him, and he will start each sentence with the word “welp.”
How He’ll Try To Close the Deal: Just a simple goodbye-nothing fancy from Brett, but on my way home I will receive a text message…