Liver's NFL Picks of the Week: Week 4

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Liver's NFL Picks of the Week: Week 4
IconThis past week is the answer to the never-ending question with which women and doctors continually badger the Liver... "Why do you drink?"  As if going 4-8-2 last Sunday wasn't bad enough, the Liver had to endure the emotional and inspiring Monday night game in New Orleans, the loss of one of the world's last true GENTLEMEN, Byron Nelson, and of course, the Terrell Owens "Did he or didn't he?" drama that Barnum and Bailey couldn't have dreamed up.

Some quick notes to T.O.'s "publicist" Kim Etheredge: First, I'd find another line of work. Second, contrary to your asinine, self-serving proclamation that "Terrell has 25 million reasons why he should be alive," MONEY DOESN'T BUY HAPPINESS YOU STUPID BITCH. Third, put some makeup on before you give a press conference; small children might think all women look like you do. Fourth, the word is "stature" not "statue." Fifth, your employer should fire your ass pronto.

On a lighter note, the Liver is proud to call several members of the Dallas Police Department his friends, having met numerous officers over the past few years when they were called over to the Liver's abode on Sunday afternoons to investigate "loud, unruly disturbances."  They were polite and co-operative...and always willing to dismiss the incident as a "suicide attempt." They might want to check their facilities for a leakage problem, however.

Incidentally, the Liver is donating his winnings from this weekend to NFL referee Ed "Big Guns" Hoculi. We get it Ed, you're old and you're ripped. Buy an XL ref jersey and stop posing with the tight shirt on the field. And yes, we know how much you love to impress the girls with your signal for touchdown. 

R.I.P. Byron Nelson. Not only were you one of the best at your sport, but you were the best at being a human being. The world is an emptier place after your loss. Your record of 11 straight PGA Tour wins will never be broken. Sorry, Tiger.

Of course it goes without saying that these picks against the spread are for RECREATIONAL USE ONLY. Only Terrell Owens, Kim Etheredge, the Dallas Police Department, the producers at Dallas T.V. station WFAA Channel 8, Ed Hoculi, Deion Sanders, Odell Thurman, Chris Henry, and Jeremy Shockey would be drunk enough to question the Esteemed Liver's picks.

2006 Record Against the Spread: 16-28-2


Sunday, September 17

 

Arizona (+7) at Atlanta

Atlanta didn't stand a chance last Monday night against the unbelievable emotions in the Superdome. Of course, it doesn't help that the Liver has a better throwing motion than Michael Vick. Rumors were rampant that Matt Leinart would make his first start for the Cardinals this week over Kurt Warner. Then Dennis Green said Warner is his man and Leinart promptly put the rose back in his mouth and continued his ballroom dance with Paris Hilton. Pick: Atlanta

Dallas at Tennessee (+9)

The Titans are the second worst team in the league next to the Raiders. The Cowboys should make their mothers wish they never had them. But with all the T.O. shit that has transpired over the past few days, this game is starting to look like a trap.  Dallas is clearly better than the Titans, with or without T.O. They're heavily favored and this could be a look-ahead game; remember next Sundays' marquee visit to Filthy. This Tennessee game makes me nervous for those reasons. That said, the Cowboys should and will beat the hell out of the Titans before the afternoon is done. Pick: Dallas

Indianapolis at New York Jets (+9)

The Colts outlasted a good Jags team last week despite being outplayed for much of the game. With only the Jets and Titans remaining until their bye, look for Indy to coast into the break with a perfect record. The Jets are a surprise 2-1, but the wins came against Buffalo and Tennessee. The Jersey boys will need a strong running game to keep up with the Colts...and they simply don't have it. The 24 ticker continues for Chad Pennington. Pick: Indy

Miami at Houston (+3 ?)

The chic AFC pick for the Super Bowl finally got their first win last week; a 3-point squeaker against an awful Tennessee Titans team. Daunte Culpepper has not looked consistent at all...and his offensive line has put the O in offensive. Just when he starts feeling sorry for himself, Culpepper looks over at David Carr and realizes that it could be worse. The longer Mario Williams goes without a sack, the longer Gary Kubiak's catatonia lasts. Pick: Miami

Minnesota (+1) at Buffalo

This almost seems like a joke Vegas is playing. This game opened as a Pick and now Minnesota is getting a point on the road.  Brad Johnson just sent in his patent for the time machine he built. Buffalo is such a nondescript 1-2 that even their own fans don't know what to think of them. Willis McGahee has looked strong and their defense hadn't allowed a team to score more than 20 until last week's loss to the Jets. Their 2 losses are by a combined 10 points, so at least they've been in games.  Look for this one to be close but boring. Pick: Minnesota

New Orleans (+7) at Carolina

This could be one of the better games of the morning. New Orleans should still be riding the emotional high of last Monday into Carolina, where the Panthers are coming off a tight win against Tampa Bay. This should be a good test to see if New Orleans is for real or not. Carolina is a completely different team with Steve Smith, as was evidenced last week. If Reggie Bush and Deuce McAllister run consistently, the Saints should stay in this. If, however, New Orleans comes out flat as a result of drained

San Diego at Baltimore (+2 ?)

This should be a down-in-the-trenches battle and the first chance for us to see what San Diego is really made of. No, the Liver does not consider wins over Oakland and Tennessee credible wins. Then again Baltimore is 3-0 against Tampa, Oakland, and Cleveland. Take the combined records of the teams San Diego and Baltimore have played this season and they have a grand total of NO WINS. Ray Lewis showed up to a press conference this week chewing on a Philip Rivers bobblehead. Pick: Baltimore

San Francisco (+7) at Kansas City

The 49ers have shown some signs of actually being an NFL football team this year.  Alex Smith is looking better under the tutelage of Norv Turner, who did wonders for Troy Aikman in Dallas. Frank Gore has provided a stable run game. A big but, though: going to Kansas City is a tough task for any young team. Trent Green said he would miss at least 2 more games. After seeing his head bounce on the turf in Week 1, it's amazing he can say anything. Pick: Kansas City

Detroit (+5 ?) at St. Louis

The Liver has just submitted an application for CEO and General Manager of the Detroit Lions. After witnessing the job Matt Millen has done, the position clearly calls for NO talent, NO results and NO sense. Just the kind of day job the Liver seeks. WR Roy "The Mathematician" Williams arrives at the game with his mouth heavily duct-taped by Rod Marinelli. Who or what the Rams are right now is anybody's guess. One week you beat Denver, another week you lose to the 49ers, the next week you barely win a turnover festival with Arizona. The Liver does know this: whatever St. Louis is, it's better than the Lions. Pick: St. Louis

Cleveland at Oakland (+2)

When you look in the Dictionary of Sports Clich's under "Snatching defeat from the jaws of victory" it reads "See the Cleveland Browns." Oakland is so bad, Raiders fans consider moving out of their parents' basement and getting lives. One of these teams has to win, and that's a shame. Pick: Cleveland

Jacksonville at Washington (+3)

Jacksonville, even in defeat at the hands of the Colts, looked impressive. The Liver is not as smart as Jack Del Rio, but he MAY want to consider getting a new kicker. Josh Scobee was apparently seen being fitted for a bullet-proof vest earlier in the week. Redskins fans rejoice. Your team has no problems. Everything is great and you can book those reservations to Miami. Mark Brunell completed an NFL record 22 straight attempts in the Redskins' first win last Sunday. Very impressive. Oh by the way, it was against the HOUSTON FUCKIN TEXANS. Don't pull anything patting yourself on the ass. Pick: Jacksonville

New England (+6) at Cincinnati

Tom Brady craves Deion Branch and David Givens the way the Liver craves the hair of the dog on Monday mornings. It's painful to watch. Look for the Bengals to crowd the line of scrimmage and dare Brady to throw the ball. Odell Thurman's drunken walking-the-line police tape brings back many a fond memory for the Liver. Thurman, whose blood alcohol was .18, said he was driving because his passenger was worse off then he was. His passenger incidentally was Chris Henry, who averages about an arrest per week. Pick: Cincinnati

Seattle (+3) at Chicago

Chicago's defense looks like the real thing, and the Bears are 3-0 for the first time since 1991. The Seahawks had their first great game last week in a thumping of the Giants. This could be a potential NFC Championship preview. Unfortunately for the Seahawks, not having the reigning MVP Shaun Alexander on the field will ultimately cost them here. Pick: Chicago

Monday, October 2

Green Bay (+11) at Philadelphia

Green Bay got off the zero last week against the powerhouse that is the Detroit Lions.  Unfortunately, they have to play a real team this week. Filthy fans show up to the game with anti-T.O. signs in early anticipation of his return next week. Double-digit spreads are to the Liver what Rosie O'Donnell is to the male sex drive: the ultimate power-down. This could also be a trap/look-ahead game for the Eagles...much like the Cowboys-Titans. There should be a lot of points scored here, so it won't be boring - but Philly should run away with it by the end of the night. Pick: Philly

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