What If... Election Day Smackdown: Top 10 Politicians Turned Wrestlers

Kevin Germany@@KevinUber1Analyst IIINovember 2, 2010

What If... Election Day Smackdown: Top 10 Politicians Turned Wrestlers

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    As the election season passes we see numerous Nexus-style vicious political attacks, annoying campaign signs, and blatant lies as obvious as Vince McMahon's disinterest in pushing Christian. Funny, because WWE is somewhat similar to politics.

    Triple H, don't take that the wrong way. Ah! (The Game hit DK with a pedigree).  

    Linda McMahon's run for the U.S. Senate inspired me to think, what if Bill Clinton was in the WWE? The similarities between some people are rather striking and unexpected. Here are seven people who are definitely similar to each other. 

    Backstage politics is not exclusive to WWE. WCW has been notorious for years. Known backstage politicians like Hulk Hogan have put political operatives like Karl Rove to shame with their politicking. In fact, WWE has created several real life politicians such as Jesse "The Body" Ventura, Jerry "The King" Lawler, and Bob Backlund. 

    Jesse Ventura was the governor of Minnesota from January 1999-2003 as a member of the Reform party. 

    Jerry Lawler ran for mayor of Memphis twice, in 1999 and in 2009. He failed to capture the seat with only 11% of the vote in 1999 and a measly 4% in 2009. 

    Bob Backlund ran for Connecticut's 1st district in 2000, getting about 30% of the vote. 

    The similarities between these two fields are very fascinating. Both politics and wrestling are fairly rough sports (even though wrestling is fake). Both need great speakers and good in-ring workers with knowledge of political issues. 

    With that, here are my seven politicians who can make it as WWE superstars. I will compare a politician to a particular wrestler. For example, my favorite politician is also my favorite wrestler...

Bill Clinton As Edge

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    You may want to take this with a grain of salt, because Bill Clinton and Edge are two of my favorite people. Bill Clinton is a fellow Arkansan. Edge's theme song inspires me every day. In short, they can do no wrong in my eyes.

    Bill Clinton and Edge were clearly not very morally sound.  We all know what happened with Monica Lewinsky, the "I did not have sex with that woman" scandal.  However, what about Edge's affair with Lita (on screen and off)? 

    Bill would be the perfect Edge, but not just for that reason. 

    Edge has excellent mic skills. Guess who also had great mic skills (the 1988 DNC not withstanding)? That's right, Bill Clinton. Clinton got it done as president. He balanced the budget (Obama, are you listening?) and managed to accomplish some things such as reforming welfare, saving Social Security (temporarily) and creating technological advances (oh wait, Al Gore invented the Internet). Edge is a 9-time World Champion. He is also a 29-time champion across all WWE categories (tag, IC, etc.). 

    Bill Clinton also got things done as governor of Arkansas. For 12 years Clinton managed to improve the quality of the State of Arkansas. Edge is amazing in the ring. His spear may be weak but it is inspirational. Someday, maybe Edge and Bill can tag up and spear all the Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's of the world. 

    Also, Bill and Edge had their fair share of haters. That hypocritical parasite known as Newt Gingrich tried to impeach the Great Leader because he lied about cheating with Monica. However, a certain someone was also cheating on his wife. I'll give you 4 guesses on who it was. Edge would most likely be despised by this political force as well. The same political force who tried to destroy Bill Clinton's great run as President. 

Tea Party As Nexus

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    This is an easy comparison to make. If you don't live in America, I'll try to explain to you what the Tea Party is. They are a conservative group (don't call them Republicans, they don't like that) hell-bent on stopping the agenda of President Obama. They suddenly appeared when Obama became president. They are for smaller government and smaller taxes.

    Obviously, Obama is for bigger government and inevitably, higher taxes. In other words, they believe he is a Socialist. Their hero is Ronald Reagan. Ironically, Reagan introduced America to the number trillion, in terms of our total national debt. 

    As for the Nexus, they have been hell-bent on beating down anybody not in the group. Their slogan: "You're either Nexus or against us." They have destroyed everybody in the WWE locker room, faces and heels alike.

    The Tea Party's slogan: "Hell no!" The Tea Party has destroyed the establishment in recent months. In Massachusetts (the bluest of blue states), unknown Republican candidate Scott Brown defeated a Democratic candidate who thought Curt Schilling was a Yankees fan (no joke). 

    Basically, the Tea Party has been an energizing force for the Republican party, who has lied for decades that they believe in smaller government and less spending. The Nexus has just randomly gang attacked any WWE super-star who gets in the way. If you look at it from a Democratic perspective, the Tea Party and the Nexus are monster heel stables who need to go down. 

    However, Wade Barrett is the apparent leader of Nexus. The Tea Party has no official leader. 

    Perhaps their leader should be... 

Sarah Palin As Michelle McCool

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    Sorry for you porn surfers who expect a nude Palin photo. It ain't happening. I flipped a coin: heads Sarah or tails Michelle. Let me ask you a question, is it worth risking seeing a "Dead Man" over an explicit Michelle pic (pun intended). Also, there are a bunch of McCool-Palin haters. 

    Sarah Palin clearly seems like the leader of the political Nexus, aka the Tea Party. She is pretty much one of us, allegedly. She was "just your average hockey mom from Wasila." However, once she became famous, her Wasila roots turned downhill for her and her family.

    Her daughter got pregnant, some bum named Levi got famous for no good reason, and Sarah started charging $100,000 per hour-long speaking engagement. Now, they are just a bunch of celebrities who forgot what made them great in the first place. Even Bristol got on DTWS. 

    On the other hand, Michelle McCool was just your run of the mill over-hyped Diva. But once she and Layla formed the most annoying tandem in history, Michelle's career has taken off. Laycool has done a fantastic job getting me to turn the channel or shriek in horror. However, they are not hard to look at. We can say that Taker is a lucky man, as is Todd Palin. 

    As for mic skills, they both have them, but also own extremely ANNOYING high-pitched shrill voices, especially Michelle. They do an excellent job of getting heat from the crowd. Sarah would be the perfect heel in the WWE today, especially since the majority of Americans don't like her all that much. 

    In all seriousness, Sarah Palin has very little political experience outside of being governor of Alaska for 2 years. Michelle McCool has been champion for 2 years. She can be legitimately considered the top diva in the WWE today. Now, name one thing Sarah has done as governor of Alaska. Give her credit, she took on the oil companies, even though her husband worked at... BP. 

    In essence, Taker didn't make Michelle famous, but this man made Sarah famous. 

John McCain As Kurt Angle

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    Again, this is an easy comparison to make. 

    The War Hero and the Olympic Gold Medalist

    The man who survived an inhumane POW camp for 6 years and a man who won the 1996 Olympic Gold Medal with a "broken freaking neck." 

    John McCain and Kurt Angle are both American inspirations. McCain with his unselfish sacrifice and steely determination to do what is right for America. Angle with his "Intensity, Integrity, and Intelligence" mantra and his relentlessness in and out off the ring.

    However, both Angle and McCain are hardly perfect. John McCain, now happily married to Cindy McCain, did admit to marital infidelity in the 1980's while married to someone else. Angle, of course, stole the onscreen wife of Triple H, Stephanie McMahon. The Game wasn't too thrilled with him or Stephanie. 

    Both attached themselves to successful up-and-comers. John McCain picked a no name governor of Alaska named Sarah Palin. Kurt Angle tabbed John Cena as a top face of the company. Now, Cena and Palin are arguably the most famous people in their respective fields. 

    These two men are absolutely incredible at what they do. McCain is the ultimate Maverick (ahem, not a real Republican) and Angle is arguably the best in-ring performer in the business today. They can adequately work the mic, but that's what they're not known for. McCain is nowhere near the mic worker that this man is. A man who defeated him in the 2008 Presidential Election. 

Barack Obama As The Rock

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    Tragically, this video clip leaves out the "if you smell, what Barack is cooking part." It's no secret Dwayne Johnson and Barack Obama are eerily similar. Not just in terms of their skills, but primarily their charisma and appearance.

    Both Rock and Barack certifiably have the best mic skills today on this planet in their respective fields.Obama's mic skill more or less got him elected to the Presidency. Rock's mic skill boosted Hollywood's interest in him. 

    But this is where the comparison stops. Barack Obama has failed to reduce the unemployment rate, jump start the economy, or convince people that it was George Bush's fault that the White Sox didn't make the playoffs this year. The Rock is a 9-time WWE Champion. He is arguably the most famous wrestler in WWE history, perhaps THE GREATEST WRESTLER OF ALL TIME!!! 

    Moreover, the Rock loves "pie". If Barack loved "pie", he would be known as Bill Clinton 2.0. Fortunately for Barack, he has accomplished health care reform and passed a financial regulation reform bill. The Rock could never stick around the WWE long enough to accomplish a lot. Fortunately for Barack, he has two more years until he will be up for re-election. For the Rock, please come back to the WWE. The entire fan-base is begging you. Hopefully, the Rock can tell this next person to know his role and shut his mouth. 

Glenn Beck As the Miz

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    "Aaaaaawwwwwweeeeesssssssooooommmmmmeeeee!" The music blares at a Raw arena. The crowd has a huge reaction, approximately 75% negative and 25% positive. The Miz comes out. He has the look of a champion, the cockiness of a man going places, and a perpetual chip on his shoulder. 

    Glenn Beck has no theme song. He has no crowd. He has no external look or menacing swagger. But he has millions of radio listeners and TV viewers who overwhelmingly support him. However, he has his fair share of haters as well, as does the Miz.

    It is a bit of a stretch to say Beck is a politician. However, anyone involved in political activity is considered for this list. Some people may say it's a bit of a stretch to call Miz a wrestler. 

    Both men faced hardship in their careers. Miz, first starting out in the WWE, was bullied constantly by the locker room. Then he became a jobber until winning tag gold with John Morrison. Glenn Beck grew up in a rough household with his mother drowning on a boat in Puget Sound. He was buried on CNN before going to Fox News and exploding in popularity. 

    Nevertheless, they persevered, worked their butts off, and look where they are. Beck is now a multi-millionaire with a platform to air out his opinions. The Miz is living his dream of becoming a professional wrestler. They both have very good mic skills and can connect with the fans. Beck's mission to find the truth about Obama (read conspiracy theory) is very similar to Miz's quest to become WWE Champion. 

    The only real difference is that Beck researches non-stop to give his viewers a better idea of what's going on. The Miz still doesn't really wrestle all that well. He still works hard at it, and he has vastly improved, but he is no high-flyer, powerhouse, technical wizard, or an MMA fighter. In my eyes, you should be at least one of these. 

    But hey, Miz and Glenn, cheer up, this next guy was a jobber until this July. 

Glenn Jacobs As Kane

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    For those of you who don't know, Glenn Jacobs is actually a real life Libertarian blogger. In fact, Kane often gets interviewed on places like Fox News and CNN to discuss politics and other things. I guess they didn't know about his "murder" of the Undertaker. There has also been speculation that he is looking to run for office after he leaves the WWE. 

    He may not be a politician now, but how many of you heard about Sarah Palin 4-6 years ago? That's right, not too many. Tell you what, I'll call it like I see it.  If Glenn Jacobs can convince the Republican Party to drift towards Libertarianism, then he will be the 2016 Republican nominee for President or Vice President. If Sarah Palin can be seriously considered for President, why not Glenn Jacobs? 

    Cue 90% of my readers turning off their lap-top in bewilderment. 

    The man is brilliant with regard to politics. I saw his interview on Fox Business and he looked more than comfortable as a political analyst. He knew what to say, when to say it, and how much to say. Given that WWE has backstage politics, I am sure that he is familiar with the political process. Also, he has excellent mic skills from his evil promo days. So what if he lacks experience. Wasn't our president just a one-term U.S. senator before he became the leader of the free world? His campaign manager can be Paul Bearer. Ok, maybe I'm taking it a little too far. 

Hillary Clinton As Vickie Guerrero

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    These women's life stories are very similar. Vickie and Hillary's husbands (Eddie and Bill) cheated on them shamefully. Eddie because he actually lived up to his "lie, cheat, and steal" mantra and Bill because Monica Lewinsky was probably the ugliest 22-year-old intern in White House history. Come on Bill, you could have done better than that. 

    But in all seriousness, Hillary and Vickie have been very successful in their respective fields. Hillary is no longer known as Bill's husband. She has done a very good job as Senator and Secretary of State. Although she couldn't beat the Rock wannabe in 2008, she came ever so close to breaking that glass ceiling for women.

    Vickie has done a good job of forcing me to change the channel, which means she has done her job as a heel effectively. She has put over studs such as Dolph Ziggler and Edge. Also, she has done a very good job drawing effective heat as Smackdown's official consultant. Actually, it might be because she has a gratingly annoying voice. 

    Both women have above average mic skills. Both can definitely say they have accomplished something in life although they are not the best of looking of women (to put it nicely). Also, they found it in their hearts to forgive their unfaithful husbands. The real difference is, Hillary and Bill have remained together and Vickie is a widow. 

    RIP Eddie. We love you. In honor of Eddie, according to Democrats, this next guy lied, cheated, and stole his way into the White House. 

George Bush As JBL

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    This was a really tough comparison to make. There aren't too many similarities. However, since both Bush and Layfield are wealthy Texans, I'll go with that. 

    George Bush was not the best president in the world. However, he went through 9/11, Afghanistan, and an economic collapse to cap off his nightmarish run as president. He declared war on Iraq to overthrow Saddam. He presided over an economic bubble that led to a bust. He also enacted tax cuts that would mainly benefit folks like JBL, but also benefited the middle class and the poor. 

    John Bradshaw Layfield was not necessarily the best wrestler in the world. He dominated Smackdown for a whole year with the WWE Championship, only to drop it to John Cena. Crowds got very worked up over his gimmick. They seemed to despise the constant low he would stoop to in the name of WWE supremacy. 

    They are similar in that they were both generally disliked during their reigns. But now, their popularity is starting to gradually increase as they are out of politics and wrestling respectively. JBL would make a very good addition to the WWE Broadcast team (anybody but Cole) and Bush could really help Obama with Afghanistan and Iraq.

    Texas should be proud of these two men. However, the only people who should be proud of this next politician are evil Islamic extremists (no personal beef with Muslims). 

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad As CM Punk and Other Candidates

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    This is an interesting comparison. Hear me out. A-Jad has that evil voice, which is accentuated by his evil positions. Denying the holocaust is absolutely incomprehensible. It's nothing new in the Muslim world, but it is so disturbing to deny 6 million people were killed over a fairly short time period. To solve this problem, A-Jad should pull his robes down, then bend over. Then, the Israeli PM will take that 50 pound turban, turn that—oh you know the rest of it.

    How this compares to CM Punk? Well, Punk also has that maniacal evil voice when he cuts a promo. 

    Ironically, devout Muslims such as A-Jad are forbidden from alcohol. CM Punk is straight edge in real life, therefore no alcohol for him either. In fact, devoted Muslims are pretty much straight edge.

    Honorable Mention

    Here are some honorable mentions for wrestlers who seriously should consider entering the field of politics after their careers are over. 

    Jack Swagger- All-American American who has 4.0 GPA at Oklahoma with a degree in Finance. If you have a 4.0, you are a very smart guy. 

    Triple H- He is the master of WWE backstage politics. Being the son-in-law of Vince McMahon sure doesn't hurt your political position. 

    Chris Jericho- I just want him to call people in Congress parasites and hypocrites. He's also a fairly bright guy and an excellent speaker. 

    Hulk Hogan- see Triple H but in the 1980's. 

That's All Folks

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    Hope you enjoyed it.

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