Considering the current state of affairs in big time college football, it is apparent that some of the old team nicknames need to be replaced.
I’ve come up with a list of 25 teams. Feel free to add to it:
1. The Texas Bovines = No self-respecting Longhorn would want to be associated with this Texas team but a bovine is just a cow. Weasels was my second choice.
2. The Auburn Camels = After Cam Newton, they can go back to being the Little Brothers.
3. The Georgia Believers = “We believe Coach Mark Richt will guide Georgia to the BCS championship. We really do. Honest.”
4. The Tennessee Road Crew = If you saw them slinging weeds on the roadside, you’d not give it a second thought. Come to think of it, maybe you have seen them.
5. The Alabama Chosen Ones = Just ask them. No, maybe you shouldn’t.
6. The Ole Miss Invertebrates = Only because Banana Slugs was already taken.
7. The LSU Envy = Forget about it. Coach Saban is not coming back to Whoville.
8. The Florida Newts = Gators are mean and tough and scare folks. The Florida Newts fit this team better.
9. The Mississippi State English Bulldogs = Maybe one day they can grow up to be real bulldogs, but I don’t think so.
10. The Vanderbilt π r Squares = If I need to explain it, you won’t understand it.
11. The Arkansas Warthogs = They win ugly and they lose ugly. And often.
12. The South Carolina Roosters = They scratch and peck and crow a lot, and that’s about it.
13. The USC Bushwhackers = They only wish they could have Bush whacked.
14. The Boise State Little Boise = Play a real schedule, drop the ‘we’re entitled’ attitude and, most especially, lose the blue turf. Then you can become Big Boise.
15. The Oregon Chameleons = A dozen different uniforms. Really? Pick one, use it, and try to build a tradition instead of an extra closet.
16. The Penn State Joe’s = It is what it is.
17. The Miami Storm = they’ve not reached hurricane strength in years and the Miami Storm sounds better than the Miami Tropical Depression.
18. The Hawaii Ke-ua-a-ke-po = Ke-ua-a-ke-po is the Hawaiian spirit of fire and rain so it is an appropriate name. I just want to hear Verne Lundquist try to pronounce it.
19. The UCLA Ghosts = To begin the game, the football team could run onto the field hidden by a veil of fog. Wait…they do that already.
20. The Texas A&M Bulls = No matter how hard they try, they won’t ever be Longhorns.
21. The Nebraska Santa Anas = If they never see Texas again, it will be too soon.
22. The Utah Stealth = Hey! Over here! We’re over here!
23. The Oklahoma Texahomans = If it weren’t for Texas, they couldn’t field a football team.
24. The Notre Dame Leprechauns = Fighting Irish would imply that they're Irish and they fight. Notre Dame really isn’t, and they really don’t.
25. The Ohio State Bridesmaids = Enough said.