A dangerous combination: A coach and a microphone.
Art Linkletter was an old TV host who had a segment on his show called "Kids Say the Darndest Things."
Art was right. But he could have also had a show called "Coaches Say the Dumbest Things."
Let's face it: These guys aren't where they are because they talk well or always make sense in front of a reporter. They get the big money because they know their Xs and Os.
But it gives us as fans great fun to hear these icons of sportdom spout absolute nonsense sometimes.
It makes them somehow less godlike and more human.
So let's take a look at some of the dumbest things said by SEC head coaches.
Ah, so you deal with kids AND human beings. I see. Wait. I don't see.
We know that college coaches have to deal with off the field issues as well as on the field issues.
But is that any reason for Georgia head coach Mark Richt to think less of his young charges?
“It wasn't as relaxing of a summer I would like. I hate it when a guy misbehaves. I hate when my own child misbehaves. The bottom line is we're dealing with kids and we're dealing with human beings, and they are going to make mistakes. That's inevitable.”
Wait, what? Since when did Georgia start recruiting kids that weren't human beings?
Maybe that explains the Bulldogs' slow start this year—all those non-human players!
Yeah, you said it. I think you meant something else, but you said it.
Coaches have promised many things over the years: wins, championships, to do better, etc.
But promising that a team would not go to the toilet?
Apparently, that's what South Carolina coach Steve Spurrier promised Gamecock fans.
“What I've been telling everyone that loves Carolina football is that we are going to put a team out there that, number one, is in good shape. We're going to be fit, we are going to be able to play the whole game and we're not going to poop out.”
Spurrier later clarified that urination would be allowed but only in certain third down situations.
Aburn? Can't they even spell down there or does he need some Preparation H?
Auburn coach Gene Chizik is looking like a world-beater so far this season, riding the Tiger wave to the top spot in the BCS as of late October.
But did you know the coach was a bit of a Beatles fan? Apparently so. Witness:
“If you miss a tackle correctly...you can get some help from your friends.”
To which the press responded, in unison, "Do you need anybody?"
And the coach answered, "I just need Newton to love."
Oh, by the way, while Chizik may be up on his Beatles lyrics, don't call him in if you smell smoke; the coach can't decide what's ablaze:
“They are going to move the ball, and they are going to hit a big play on you here and there. Everything at that point comes down to how you respond. You can't let the flames become fires."
Um, don't look now, coach, but...well...let's just get out the marshmallows and make S'mores, shall we?
"Do you find me offensive? No? Aww! Why not?"
Some of the wonderful coaches in the SEC have a less than stellar reputation among their peers. Some are difficult people to work with because they are perfectionists; some are disliked because they are poor communicators.
Some, apparently, like Arkansas coach Bobby Petrino, go out of their way to make people not like him.
Case in point:
“That's something I don't ever want them believing, that we're sitting out there as a target. I'd rather attack and be real aggressive. That's what I told them when I made them take them off. I've always been an offensive guy and I believe in attacking and going after people. That's why we got rid of them.”
Ah, so that explains it. He's just a jerk. Okay, at least he admitted it, and that's the first step towards recovery.
Good for you, Bobby!
"I said NO GUM CHEWING during games! Do as I say...not as I do."
Kentucky coach Joker Phillips might have a funny name, but he takes the game seriously and has his Wildcats competitive almost every week.
He knows, however, that there is one team in the SEC he will never be able to defeat, no matter how hard he tries.
"Kentucky doesn’t beat Kentucky."
A bold prediction, to be sure, but some UK fans might question a coach who announces that his team is incapable of winning against another team in the ultra-competitive SEC.
Why don't they simply forfeit that game and take an off week if they know they can't win it?
"I am not a crook!" (Said in a Richard Nixon voice)
Urban Meyer has a coaching resume most coaches would give Houston Nutt for. Winner of two national championships in three years and coach of a Heisman Trophy winner makes Meyer one of the most respected coaches in America.
How did he do so well to be so young?
Could it be that he cheats?
Well, he pretty much admitted to cheating against Tennessee when he said he had the field narrowed to give his team an advantage.
Oh, you don't believe me? Here's proof:
“We have not done a great job of using 53 yards, the width of the field. I think what we've done is kind of squeezed it down because that's how we beat Tennessee."
That one left some media type scratching their bald pates. First of all, a field is wider than 53 yards...by another half yard. Secondly, Meyer somehow made the field even narrower, and that created a mystical advantage that allowed the big win over the Vols.
My first question: How did he manage to do that in Knoxville?
My second question: How can you be named after both a Catholic pope (Urban) and a Jewish hot dog (Meyer)?
Caldwell has his team learning to levitate the football at will.
Let's face it: Vanderbilt will always be Vanderbilt. They'll never threaten to win the SEC East, they'll never beat the elite of the nation and no national championship rings will be distributed to the football team.
First-year head coach of the Commodores Robbie Caldwell seems to know this. In fact, looking at his undermanned, undersized and usually underachieving wards, Coach Caldwell knew that wins at Vandy would be few and far between.
That's why he told the SEC media:
"Last night I was opening the door for people and they gave me a tip. I thought, hey, that's great. How can you get it any better than that?"
Sorry, Coach Caldwell. It can't.
Nutt's a giant, a figure that stands head and shoulders above the...aw, I couldn't even say that with a straight face.
Ole Miss head coach Houston Nutt knew the SEC West would be tough this year, so he petitioned the SEC office in Birmingham to make an exception for him and his Rebels going into this season.
To Nutt, it didn't seem like an unreasonable request.
You judge for yourself.
“I want everybody out there on the field and we're about to get that way. You just want everybody out on the field so you can get that continuity, that chemistry, that togetherness that you need.”
Nutt was wise not to point to any unfair advantage having all his players on the field at one time might give his Rebels. No, instead, he pointed to the unity his squad would achieve by playing Alabama with all 72 players lined up against the Tide's offense.
Sadly, the SEC office turned down his request.
By the way, I don't think it would've mattered against Alabama anyway.
Don't let the goofy grin fool you; he's really a geniu...HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh, it hurt too much to hold it in!
Finding a goofy Les Miles quote is like looking for oxygen; it's something that's everywhere.
So, instead of picking on a guy who obviously hasn't been speaking English that long and choosing one of his more outlandish verbal faux pas, we found this gem:
“Our players come into the game with a very capable quarterback. I felt they had to control the line of scrimmage for him and find a back who would scrap for yards and play dominant defense and that's what they did.”
And here I thought LSU was playing with a full complement of 11 players on defense instead of this uber-talented quarterback who is not only a dual threat but is also, apparently, able to stop opposing offenses all by himself.
Besides, it seems, The Hat didn't find him; his players did.
"Dammit, Darwin said it would work! Just do it!"
There's something weird going on down in Starkville, Mississippi.
Somewhere in the bowels of some decaying building on campus, Mississippi State head coach Dan Mullen has created some sort of controlled environment, a sort of biosphere for football, that causes offenses to spontaneously sprout around his players.
That's the only explanation I can come up with to understand this quote:
“Your job as coaches is putting your team and players in the best situation. We've tried to do that and the offense has kind of evolved around the players.”
So any success the Bulldogs have on offense this year comes from these otherworldly experiments Mullen and his staff are performing down at MSU. The players go in the chamber or room or whatever freaky place Mullen has there, and then he watches as an offense evolves around them.
Suddenly the Tim Tebow phenomenon makes much more sense.
“What happened yesterday is history. What happens tomorrow is a mystery. What we do today makes a difference—the precious present moment.”
Thank you, Yoda Saban. Or maybe Oprah Saban.
Either way, he's a FOOTBALL COACH. Why is he trying to tell me how to live my life?
You want a "precious present moment," Nick? Then run the damn ball more! Stop treating Greg McElroy like he's the second coming of Dan Marino.
You have the reigning Heisman Trophy-winning running back—and his backup is probably better than he is.
If you're so wise, then use the freaking Force!
The easy way out for us to quote Tennessee coach Derek Dooley is to pick up the "We're Germans" history wackiness from this week.
But to us, and to Coach Dooley, sometimes the simplest words are the best. During a recent blowout loss, the Vols head man told the media he thought:
“Do something that resembles anything.”
Actually, given the sorry state of UT football these days, that's sound advice.
The Vols are not doing much of anything, and it certainly resembles nothing.
Yet with such an eloquent man as Coach Dooley, we feel sure Tennessee will soon be on the road to...well...something that resembles anything.