The Olympic Games have been a real disappointment. The only event that I was desperate to watch was the diving, but it turned out to be just a few lunatics jumping into a pool.
My tissues did come in handy when Paula Radcliffe limped over the line in the marathon—that was pure comedy gold.
Britain has tasted success in the fringe sports, but we never even competed in the sprinting. We should have told Rio Ferdinand that a drug test was imminent.
The best thing about the Games is that they allow sportsmen to get a glimpse of fame and a chance at corporate sponsorship. This could be a real life-changer for Rafael Nadal.
Now, I’m not the type of person who takes pleasure in criticising others—I’m all about spreading love (and chlamydia). But China should never have been allowed to host the event.
The Chinese government famously flattened up to 3,000 students at Tiananmen Square in 1989. Such behaviour is unforgivable—there were approximately 100,000 students taking liberties at the time.
The country has no real redeeming features, other than a "Great" Wall. I absolutely refuse to bestow greatness on a collection of bricks unless they’re dividing England from Scotland.
It’s widely believed that you can see the wall from the moon, but that’s a complete fallacy. The only thing visible from that distance is John Terry’s sense of self-importance.
China does have nice areas though, particularly Tibet. Knife crime is practically unheard of over there, but chopstick attacks are through the roof.
My opinions are probably influenced by the fact that I was once in love with a young Chinese lady. She could do things with a ping-pong ball that you wouldn’t believe—she was a two-time table tennis champion.
I was absolutely heartbroken when she split up with me, and I married the wife on the rebound. Something about Betty reminded me of my former love—Chin Tu Fat.
My heart will always be with Chin, but my cash is firmly on Blackburn to beat Hull—I’ll happily stake one point at 4/6.
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