Welcome earthlings, to the boldest, and most irresponsible set of predictions for the 2010-2011 NBA season.
Why is it the boldest?
Because it's still the preseason.
Why is it irresponsible?
Because it's still the preseason.
These predictions are based on evidence that is 100 percent, irrefutable, non-negotiable, unadulterated, concrete, and factual (as well as other adjectives my lawyer said would convince you).
And they will be found in Marty McFly's sports almanac in the year 2015 when he travels "Back to the Future."
So, without further ado...
Ron Artest and Matt Barnes will be wired for NBA GameTrax and will produce the greatest conversation ever.
What will they talk about, you ask?
No? You didn't ask?....I'll still tell you.
Their first topic of conversation will be Ron Artest enthusiastically talking to Matt Barnes about the rap industry. He will almost definitely rap a few of the lyrics from his hit single, "Champion," and they will decide to collaborate in the studio to create a song called "Enforcer." The first few bars might go something like...."I'm an enforcer....better do I as told ya....I don't care if I'm T-ed up....you're still gonn' get beat up...'cause I'm an enforcer."
I know, right? Smash hit!!
The second topic will be who got the best of Kobe when they had their little beefs before joining the Lakers. Matt Barnes will say it was him, because even though his little ball fake to Kobe's face didn't work at first, Bryant still missed the game tying jumper at the end of the regular season game in Orlando, because Barnes' tactics produced long lasting after effects.
Artest will nod, point out that they still won the championship last year, and will make Barnes "say Queensbridge" before the whistle sounds and they enter the game, both humming, "I'm an enforcer..."
But seriously...If Matt Barnes and Ron Artest are not mic'd up for a game together, it will be a travesty. Somebody needs to get this done. Whoever is in charge of the microphones, please get this done. And if you don't tell them about it....even better. Don't worry about it being a breach of privacy or illegal or whatever. Just do it! (Nike ©)
These two are devastating finishers in the open court and together they will create the greatest fastbreak highlight ever.
Ok. Here's what I'm thinking....
Both are playing on the wing. James steals the ball from some D-leaguer playing on Toronto
(I say Toronto, because they seriously have maybe 5 NBA caliber players. I mean, who is Ronald Dupree and how come I didn't know that he's been in the league for 5 years? Sorry, Ronald. You're probably a great guy.)
So...James steals the ball from Dupree. He throws it ahead to Wade. Wade flies down the court with James trailing...
He tosses the ball, no look for no reason...and with his left hand...off of the backboard for James...
James catches it mid-air while doing a 540 degree turn, while his head bursts into flames NBA Jam style, and throws down a reverse jam, breaking the backboard, and posterizing poor Dupree who ran down the court to make a play after he felt disrespected in this article.
The next day, the newspaper will run the picture of Wade, Ronald, and James' fireball for a head with the caption...
"You, Me, and Dupree"
But seriously...I think this can happen. Everything except for James' head bursting into flames. As much as I dislike the idea of this team, I think they might create the best fast break highlight ever, beating the great Scottie Pippen's fast break dunk on Patrick Ewing (which also has one of the best calls ever..."This was an elevation, elevation!!!"). So get ready for it. The Heat play the Raptors on November 13, January 22, February 16, and April 13. I refuse to tell you exactly which day it will happen in an effort to increase the Raptors' viewing audience.
The Boston Celtics have 41 road games this year...just like every other team in every other year...but on one late night in Los Angeles, Shaq will have his last meal.
On January 30th, the Boston Celtics will visit the Los Angeles Lakers for a nationally televised game on ABC. It will be a hard fought battle...millionaire sweat all over the hardwood.
Fast forward to 11 seconds left in overtime, game tied, Kobe with the ball. In these situations, the triangle offense gets thrown out the window and Kobe and Gasol run the two man pick and roll. Shaq has to switch and is left on an island with Kobe. Naturally, Kobe drains the game winner over Shaq's extended bear claw and Shaq is embarrassed on national television.
He goes out that night and drinks enough Incredible Hulks to poison an average sized Mormon family of 13. He stumbles into his dark hotel room in the late hours of the night, drunk and hungry and drunk, and who does he see on the other bed...
All 5 foot 9 of him...
Balled up in his green pajamas, looking like a supersized pillow mint...
Shaq only gets through the feet before he chokes to death. Nate Robinson, who now stands at 5 foot 4, refuses prosthetic feet, and still wins 3 more Sprite Slam Dunk Contests.
But seriously...tell me why this can't happen!
I am a big believer in karma. I wish the Cavs could get the eight seed, with Miami as the one seed, and then reel off the most unbelievably emotional 7 game series, beating LeBron James and the Heat in Miami.
But let's be real...Cleveland is going nowhere, and they would never beat this Miami team in the playoffs, so they'll have to settle for a regular season win.
On December 2nd, the Miami Heat will visit the Cleveland Cavaliers for a much anticipated game, and the Heat will lose.
I'm talking about the most emotionally charged crowd to grace an NBA arena in the past 30 years (I don't know why it's 30 years, or what happened in 1980 that had a more emotional crowd, but you get the point...it's going to be loud)..
Even if LeBron James doesn't break down from all the boos...
Even if people aren't throwing burning number 23 jerseys on the court during live action...
Even if every fan isn't holding a sign written in Comic Sans...
Even if the Cavs PA announcer doesn't openly curse LeBron James during the player introductions...
There Will Be Blood!!
I don't care if there are more police officers and security personnel on the court than there are people in the country of Nauru (est. population: 10,000)....There will be blood.
I'm talking Molotov cocktails here. I'm talking John Malkovich's hand made, 2 shooter, wooden pistol from "In The Line of Fire" with Clint Eastwood. I'm talking bow and arrow shots from the third deck.
The Miami Heat will lose!
But seriously...as much as I want the Cavs to win this game even if they lose the other 81, there is no way the Heat don't win this game. Sorry Cleveland, but there is no way LeBron James doesn't unleash a virtuoso performance if only to stick it to Dan Gilbert. There's no way they lose....unless, you know...that whole bow and arrow thing works out.
It's all been fun and games so far, I know. But seriously, the Los Angeles Lakers will win the championship and finish their threepeat (and you know it's for real when it's in bold).
Hear me out...
Forget that they have the greatest shooting guard in the history of the game since Jordan. Forget that they have one of the most skilled, passing big men in Gasol who is perfect for the triangle. Forget that Ron Artest, Matt Barnes, and Kobe Bryant are a feared trio of backcourt defenders.
Forget that Phil Jackson is the greatest coach ever. Forget that Fisher is clutch. Forget that they have Lamar Odom, Steve Blake, and Matt Barnes coming off the bench. And forget that if Andrew Bynum is healthy and playing well, they are an even better team.
Facts are facts, and those are not real facts!
What you should base this prediction on...clearly...is the enormous collection of philosophical sayings that you can find on Google that mention the number three....as in threepeat. Of course, you already knew this.
Take, for example, the saying..."Good things come in threes."
Or the universal edibility test for plants..."If the leaves are three, then leave it be."
Who could argue these things?
Or all the other things I am embarrassed I searched for and found on a Yahoo Answers forum like...
"The third time's a charm...the three little pigs...three blind mice...the three stooges...the three musketeers...the three wise men...three six mafia!!!"
And if you're telling me Miami has three superstars...
I'm telling you...
"Three's a crowd."