New England Patriots: Deion Branch Returns As Bill Belichick Releases a Hostage

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New England Patriots: Deion Branch Returns As Bill Belichick Releases a Hostage
Jim Rogash/Getty Images
I will eat your children!

Apparently, Bill Belichick, the fearless leader of the Patriots (also known, to those who've played for him, as Mr. Bigglesworth) was pleased with his team's 23-20 overtime victory on Sunday. We know this because, in a staggering show of emotion, Bill actually smiled after the winning field goal Sunday afternoon (he promptly punched a baby to make up for such a terrible miscue). Also, he was caught releasing the wife of one of his players from his basement dungeon. We don't know yet which wife, but I'm sure it will be announced soon enough. In unrelated news, Matt Light has taken an indefinite leave of absence, as he has moved to Germany.

The Ravens, who came into the game with a 4-1 record, looked sharp defensively. They led for large chunks of the game and they gave the family and friends of every Patriot a terrible scare. But in the end they were unable to stop the unstoppable Deion Branch, a man so amazing, so awesome, so sacred that even Randy Moss himself was unable to prevent him from scoring a touchdown. Granted, Moss wasn't, technically speaking, there yesterday, and doesn't play defense anyway, but I still think it's impressive.

"Tom and I have been away for four years and I honestly don't feel we missed a beat," Branch was quoted as saying in his post-game press conference (where he tragically failed to showcase headphones the size of cinnamon buns). This begs the question: Who has been the Pats QB for the last 4 years? If it is to be believed that, according to Deion, Tom and he have been away somewhere frolicking in the sand and eating lobster (I'm guessing Aruba) since 2006, then I think someone should investigate the validity of all those touchdowns Tom has been gathering. Someone call the commissioner.

Anyway, regardless of the results of such an investigation, what is important to remember is that Deion is back! The MVP of the 2005 Superbowl, the last year of glory for the "Patriots Dynasty" (copyright 2005 Bob Kraft), has resumed his rightful place on the sidelines. He is once again clad in blue and silver and all of New England could not be more thrilled. This sentiment of excitement, of anticipation, of palpable hunger for victory is best summed up in Belichick's glowing assessment of Deion's performance: "Not perfect, but he did a lot of good... He got open and caught some balls. Let's not make it too complicated."

Truly a glowing review from an awed manager.

And finally, we cannot forget the magical job of the beautiful Tom Brady, who combed his hair and smiled his way to a spectacular 69.5 passer rating and two interceptions. Hopefully he can hold onto that feeling of success and accomplishment until next Sunday when the Patriots look to go 5-1 against the San Diego Chargers, a team that used to have LaDainian Tomlinson, which has to count for something.

NOTES: My nacho reserve has dropped to one bag and the helicopter drop isn't until Friday, so light a candle and say a prayer for my stomach, as there are two whole games of football and a lot of playoff baseball between now and then. I fear I may have to drink the salsa.

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