Chicago Bears quarterback Todd Collins sucked hardcore last Sunday against the Carolina Panthers.
Collins was 6-for-16 passing for 32 yards and four picks.
Yikes! He came out of retirement for that?
Somehow, the Bears won 23-6 (mainly because Carolina could be the worst team in the NFL) and have stud quarterback Jay Cutler back.
For his atrocious performance, Collins has been regulated to the No. 3 spot, while Caleb Hanie is now the primary backup.
The 38-year-old Collins might not see the field again after penning a $1 million contract to be insurance in case Cutler is killed by his offensive line.
Now that the Bears know Collins can't play, here are five ways they might work him so he could earn his salary.
Team captains Brian Urlacher, Julius Peppers, Jay Cutler, Olin Kreutz and Patrick Mannelly have the responsibility to choose heads or tails on the pregame and overtime coin tosses.
Why not let Collins do it?
Collins would let the captains prepare for the game while having a 50/50 chance to get it right.
That would be better than his passing efficiency, right?
Collins is not playing, so he needs to do something to contribute to the Bears effort.
One way is to supply some cold ones after a game.
He could go to the supermarket at halftime and purchase brewskies. Then he needs to make sure the beverages are kept well-iced for a refreshing taste.
Imagine if reporters come into the locker room as Brian Urlacher and others are downing Coors Lights. Urlacher would be asked where the beer came from. Urlacher would say:
"Collins did it. He knows what we like. Next question."
Touchdown celebrations are something fans love, and the Bears have never been good at it.
Being a veteran, Collins has seen wide receivers throw down a good dance or two.
He could help Johnny Knox, Devin Hester, Devin Aromashodu and Greg Olsen script some pretty cool jigs, like what Chad Ochocinco once did to Chicago years ago.
Todd Collins has a propensity to throw picks, so he should work the Bears' secondary during practice in interception drills.
Todd Collins seems to have a propensity for throwing picks, so why not let him be quarterback so the Bears secondary could have an interception drill?
This would certainly help Charles Tillman, Chris Harris, Zack Bowman and company hone ball-hawking abilities. So far, the Bears defensive backs have three interceptions this season.
Collins could help the Bears interception count skyrocket, even if it's just practice.
NFL players get thirsty from all that running and tackling and showboating while playing 60 minutes.
That's tiring work.
So why couldn't Todd Collins try some of Adam Sandler's Waterboy magic to keep his teammates hydrated?
And the playbook would be really simple. All Collins needs to remember is this:
"The team gets thirsty, and I bring them the water."
Not bad for $1 million.
Plus, Bears' coach Lovie Smith would definitely be more appreciative of Collins' efforts than Coach Red Beaulieu ever would.