What has three chins, four legs including two arms as big as legs, and a graduate degree from a university with an agricultural extension in its official name (A&M)?
If you answered by saying half the women in San Antonio, then you are correct rude boys and gals. The Alamo City consistently ranks in the annual Top 10 Obese Cities in America.
One would think that the River Creek extension from Brooklyn Street to Pearl Brewery would provide incentive for more people to go walking to slim down.
Nope. Even the park policemen prefer to use “river” boats instead of walking.
I wrote that the San Antonio Spurs Coyote was a symbol of a Mexican drug cartel, and it caused an outrage among mascot policemen that has yet to subside.
On the heels of my article, it was announced that the University of Mississippi (Ole Miss) was changing its mascot from a caricature of a former Confederate gentleman to a black bear.
Officially called the Ole Miss Black Bear, the new face of the university could be viewed as worse than the original Ole Mississippi Rebel mascot.
Why is it a “black” bear some people will ask, “Why it gotta be black?”
The retort might be that Winnie the Pooh is hardly appropriate as the mascot for a football team where men have to be fearsome in order to withstand the train wreck-like collisions that occur after almost every snap.
But oh snap, the state of Mississippi was one of the most violent and racist states ever to disgrace the planet during the Civil Rights Movement and during the Civil War, Reconstruction, and…
Well, you get the general idea.
“What’s the big idea,” San Antonio Spurs fans exclaimed after my article regarding the Spurs’ mascot and its ties to the Beltran-Leyva boss who was arrested last month while sporting a Spurs T-shirt. The images caused fans of the team much chagrin as one can imagine.
The Spurs organization prides itself on having a squeaky clean image.
But I need to explain myself. I was only attempting to better the image of the Spurs as an organization. It was organizational and not personal.
A close family member of mine worked for years in the San Antonio front office before moving on to bigger and better opportunities within the great Lone Star State.
My article was about the principle. It’s principalities in this. Not to mention powers and rulers of darkness in high places.
Seeing that “El Grande” the alleged overlord of the Beltran-Leyva cartel was arrested in a Spurs T-shirt, thereby subliminally identifying himself with the Spurs’ mascot Coyote, I have a couple more suggestions.
Just a couple. This “couple” will be clearer by the time you finish this article.
Since the mascot has now achieved such a grimy correlation, coyote is slang for a human smuggler then maybe it should take on a whole new look and feel.
Seeing that the Alamo City is one of the fattest cites ever to weigh down the planet’s gravity, I have a suggested nickname for the possible Spur’s replacement-of-the-Coyote mascot:
The new mascot could possibly be dubbed “Marilyn the Moo,” or Moo-Moo for short.
I’m saying change the mascot from a Coyote to a cow.
Calling a cow a cow and showing it what it looks like in the mirror would give it more incentive to get out and walk off a few pounds, I humbly suggest.
Hey this is a better suggestion than having people chase chupacabras to lose pounds, in the way that some people chase rabbits to increase their speed. Google chupacabra.
Speaking of rabbits, the Spurs Coyote actually has ears that resemble a rabbit’s ears. This suggests to me that the mascot is a hybrid rabbit-coyote.
Or is it a chupacabra-coyote: a chupayote? Aha. Things are starting to make sense.
And if it don’t make dollars, then it don’t make cents.
Common sense tells me that Marilyn the Moo should have a help-mate: “Billy the Bull.”
And since the Pope recently named the next Archbishop of San Antonio, the Catholic mascot so to speak, have the new priest marry Moo-Moo and Billy.
Bill the event as Moo-Moo marries Bee-Bee and cut me a check covering 90 percent of the profits. It was Great Lake’s idea after all.
Moo and Bee will be the most popular new couple in the Alamo City.
The new head of the San Antonio Archdiocese could perform the wedding during halftime of the Spurs-Clippers game to boost attendance.
Attend to this fact folks.
In only three weeks writing on B/R I have become the most prolific writer ever to grace the bathroom walls at local hangout Fatso’s.
Fatso’s is a so-called restaurant where San Antonio Purrs fans hang out, and I mean that literally seeing some of the cows in Daisy Dukes.
But I digress. As I was saying.
I am on my way to being the best at ever doing it. You’re already the best at ever booing it.
Boo me now, hate me later. It just makes Great Lake even greater.
I need to go think up a name for the children that the new Spurs' mascots will have. Send me your cards, letters, suggestions, and hate.
This has been another installment of my Reasoning on the River Walk series. I am your humble host and resident Rude Boy: Lake Cruise.