Brett Favre: How to Properly Court a Woman (Satire)

Mitch DrofstobCorrespondent IOctober 14, 2010

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ - OCTOBER 11:  Quarterback Brett Favre #4 of the Minnesota Vikings walks back to the sideline against the New York Jets at New Meadowlands Stadium on October 11, 2010 in East Rutherford, New Jersey.  (Photo by Jim McIsaac/Getty Images)
Jim McIsaac/Getty Images

Finding a mate has been the bane of many a man since time began, and rightly so. One would presume being a sportsman would make things easier, having money and prestige are two things women tend to find attractive in a man. But regardless of that, locating that special gal can be quite a nuisance, especially when faced with nervous dilemmas like: “What do I say?”, “How do I know if she’s interested?” and the ultimate “Is it too soon to send her a picture of my penis?”

For the benefit of Brett Favre, Ashley Cole, Wayne Rooney, Tiger Woods, David Beckham…etc., here is my five-point check list on how to properly woo women.

1. Make Sure You’re Not Already Married

Before you begin, look at your hand. Is there a ring on your finger? Did you at some point get married, and do you remain married? Does she have a ring around her finger? If so, it’s probably best you keep the relationship with the woman platonic (that means friendly, and non-sexual).

2. Be Polite and Cordial in Approach

If you’re good to go, start by introducing yourself humbly. She may or may not already know who you are. That doesn’t mean drunkenly mumbling your name as you're leering or imposing yourself on her from behind. If you find that you get along well with each other, maybe take her number, and arrange to meet again.

3. Listen to Her, and Take Interest in Her Interests

Begin with harmless subjects. Ask her about her job and what she studied; if she tells you she is still studying, ask if she is over 18 before moving further. Ask her what she is passionate about, and depending on how the conversation is going, maybe even flirt a little. As she speaks, maintain some eye contact and at least act interested, and try to swap anecdotes. If she is so drunk she can’t talk, it might be a good idea not to take things further.

4. If Possible, Make Sure She’s Not a Prostitute

If the lady in questions begins offering services to you that she can give you in the bathroom, and lets you know the prices, chances are she might be a prostitute. She may be carrying a sexually transmitted disease, and chances are that people will eventually find out about any shenanigans that happen.

5. Wait Until You Are in a Relationship Before You Send Naked/Incriminating Pictures of Your Penis

While sending a picture of your penis to a woman might be ample proof in showing how “happy” she makes you feel, romantic it is not. If you really feel that you absolutely must send her a picture of your downstairs department, make sure the lighting is flattering, make sure that you are excited and snap from above while standing up. A close up of a man’s "third eye" is not at the top of a woman’s turn-on list.