Just the other day, a buddy and I were lamenting the lack of hotness in sports.
Yeah, sure, there are cheerleaders and ball girls and stuff like that, but what the sports world needs is real hotness.
And while we probably can't force all professional athletes to marry Playboy babes, like quarterback Jeff Garcia and Carmella DeCesare, we came up with a few ideas that might help the movement along nonetheless.
It seems like such a simple formula:
Hot women? Good.
And yet, somehow, girls in their underwear running around, playing football, tackling each other and wrestling on the ground has turned out to be... not so hot.
In fact, the lingerie football league seems to have made hot girls in lingerie less hot.
Look, I have no problem with girls, lingerie or football.
It just seems that this concept had made hot girls in lingerie less hot, rather than more.
Part of what is so offensive about the Lingerie Football League is the notion that girls have to be in lingerie to be hot.
Clearly, girls in actual football uniforms can be quite hot.
If I were a social scientist or something like that, I'd be able to explain the following phenomenon:
The more clothes a girl is wearing, the hotter she seems to be as she takes them off.
I'm sure there's an explanation. I just don't have it.
But I know this: there ain't nuthin' hotter than a fine girl coming out of a NASCAR uniform.
We should have lots of female NASCAR drivers.
I don't completely understand why it is that more women aren't in NASCAR–I mean serious, driving a car fast, how hard can it be–but there aren't, so we'll have to live with what we have.
However, I have one word for you: All Female Pit Crews.
Okay, that was four words, but you get the idea.
Who's with me?
Actually, I wasn't thinking of this one, but then I found this picture and it suddenly occurred to me that this could be a major source of untapped sports hotness.
This is a two step process:
Step One: Establish a professional synchronized swimming league.
Step Two: Go to Brazil, recruit heavily.
Simple as that.
The coincidence of hot female athletes and Olympic sports has begun to be too frequent to be ignored.
Bring these girls around more than once every four years, why don't 'cha?
The field of gymnastics features some of the most talented athletes in the world, and yet we only get to see these girls once every four years.
Let's make this something we watch as often as golf, shall we?
I mean, sure, I haven't yet considered the practical realities of this idea, but hey...
Good enough for Ashley Harkleroad, good enough for me.
You know, if we had female golfers in high heels and bikinis, it might not only make sports hotter, but it could also make golf more interesting.
I don't know where we're going with this whole body paint thing, but I do know what the effect is: you're naked, but you're not.
The possibilities are endless.
The "Top Hooters Girl of All Time" used to be featured on the Best Damn Sports Show Period.
Surely we could work her into some NBA halftime studio work, and maybe some NFL sideline reporter gigs.
We should have professional women's beach volleyball the way we have Major League Baseball: every major city gets a major league team, and then there should be a vast minor league system that infiltrates every small town in America.
No one should be without women's professional beach volleyball.
I don't think we're close to seeing women compete with men in basketball, baseball, football or hockey anytime soon.
Can anyone think of any reason why women wouldn't be just as capable as men of being referees for these sports?
The ring girl has been around as long as boxing has, but has been really taken to the next level in the world of mixed martial arts and the Ultimate Fighting Championship.
But there are other things besides rounds that need announcing. Like, for example, the change-over of innings, periods and quarters. Also, halftimes. And the two minute warning. And timeouts.
This is a seriously untapped source of hotness.
The Triathlon involves running, biking, and swimming.
Which means at some point these incredibly fit female athletes get really hot and sweaty, don bathing suits, and get drenched from head to toe.
Because I, for one, had no idea.
Wow. Just wow.
Because I'm serious.
Oh wait, we already did that.
I don't know about you, but it was one of the iconic moments of my young life.
A female athlete at the top of her game took off her shirt after winning it all.
This wasn't a strip club and it wasn't Playboy. I didn't have to feel dirty or guilty or like a pig.
It was a moment of sheer adulation, of joy and wonderment.
Frankly, I think this move could be used a lot more often in victory celebrations.
And I think it would definitely make sports hotter.