2010 NHL Season Preview For All 30 Teams

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2010 NHL Season Preview For All 30 Teams
Bruce Bennett/Getty Images

Sure its a bit late as the season started already, but I was too busy watching the tape of Tyler Seguin getting drafted and crying. My girlfriend told me to get a life. I, unwisely, told her to do the same.

Anyway, here are the previews for each NHL team.

Edmonton Oilers- They'll fight hard for the right to stay in the playoff race. Unfortunately, they are eliminated by Halloween.

Toronto Maple Leafs- Leafs get beaten by the Boston Bruins all season long and simply cannot score goals. Ron Wilson admits, in hindsight, it was foolish to build his offensive schemes around Tyler Seguin. Oh well, at least they have the first overall pick.

Florida Panthers- They will completely embarrass themselves. They cannot pass, cannot play defense, and simply cannot win. Luckily, nobody cares.

Columbus Blue Jackets- Rick Nash shows off his incredible skills in shootouts and eluding defenseman. Unfortunately, he'll only do that in the all-star game.

NY Islanders- They have lots of young offensive studs who cracked the roster. However, they'll spend the entire year wondering why the coach keeps yelling at them to play something called "defense."

Tampa Bay Lightning- Will become the most improved team in the league, by missing the playoffs by one point. The improvement terrifies the owners into firing Steve Yzerman.

Carolina Hurricanes- Have an abundance of talent up front. They will have a variety of plays. Eric Staal streaks down the wing and scores, Eric Staal elbows the opposing player, streaks down the wing and scores, and of course the always important Eric Staal elbows a teammate and streaks down the wing and scores.

Atlanta Thrashers- They'll finish dead last in the league. The coach is flabbergasted, as he swears he has a player on the team that can score 50 goals. They report him missing to the Georgia police but cannot find him as like all Thrashers, they forgot his name.

Minnesota Wild- Become the most profitable US expansion team in history by selling out their first game.

New York Rangers- Refuse to fire Glen Sather even after Sather admits to be secretly working for the NHLPA. Needless to say, they do not make the playoffs.

Dallas Stars- Are in competition to make the playoffs, until shocking mid-season trade of Brad Richards. The Stars cannot afford his contract demands, which is odd because he is willing to take a huge pay cut, and stay on for one more season at $1 million.

Montreal Canadiens- Are in playoff competition, until they play the Bruins for the first time. Then all their forwards are out for the season, as they ill-advisedly step onto the ice with Zdeno Chara.

Philadelphia Flyers- They win in a shootout in the last game of the season. Too bad the new tiebreaker rules no longer favor them.

Anaheim Ducks- Finally realize that they need to retain their players and lock up Todd Marchant for another five years, at $1 million per year. Then they go on to the playoffs and lose to the Vancouver Canucks in the third round, after which Marchant announces his retirement.

Calgary Flames- Make the playoffs...no...wait. They miss it by a good 15 points. Sorry, I thought they still had Phaneuf. I do not believe that trade occurred.

St. Louis Blues- They make the playoffs and then do something that some say is impossible. I only heard of it in rumors. I never imagined it to be possible. They lose a playoff game to the San Jose Sharks.

Boston Bruins- Barely make the playoffs, but it doesn't matter, as the Capitals destroy them in the first round. Alexander Ovechkin is seen eating a hot dog during various intervals of game four. Chara tries to attack him, at which point Bergeron points out that the hot dog vendor is just beside him. RIP.

Ottawa Senators- Make the playoffs only to lose in the first round to Buffalo. The key to beating Ottawa was taking advantage of Ottawa's lack of goal-tending. Seriously, they offered me the job yesterday!

Colorado Avalanche- Regress and fail to make the playoffs, when goaltender Craig Anderson gets attacked by goons that look suspiciously like Mike Komisarek and Cliff Fletcher.

Buffalo Sabres- Make the playoffs and lose in the second round to Washington, once Ryan Miller refuses to do all the work anymore.

Nashville Predators- They do what they always do. Make the playoffs and lose to Detroit in round one.

Los Angeles Kings- They lose in round two of the playoffs, mostly because men that looks suspiciously like Brian Burke and Dave Nonis, chloroform and kidnap Brayden Schenn and Drew Doughty.

Pittsburgh Penguins- Make it to round three, where they lose to Washington because Sidney forgets his pacifier at home.

Detroit Red Wings- Make it to round three only to realize they forgot about round two and were forced to forfeit to the San Jose Sharks.

New Jersey Devils- Go to the second round, only to lose to Pittsburgh because Brodeur had to use his hockey stick like a cane to keep from falling.

Vancouver Canucks- Win the Stanley Cup, shocking the hockey world. Once in a 150 years, the experts can actually predict something right.

Phoenix Coyotes- Make it to the playoffs but cannot afford to play. Literally.

Chicago Blackhawks- Make it to round three, only to lose to the Vancouver Canucks because half of their players decided to play for other teams.

San Jose Sharks- Shock the hockey world by making it to round three. Unfortunately, they had to forfeit their spot in round three to Chicago, as part of a trade John Ferguson Junior managed to negotiate.

Washington Capitals- Represent the Eastern Conference in the Stanley Cup finals. Unfortunately, they lose because Ovechkin tired himself out by celebrating the Eastern Conference championship.
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