Rex Ryan Says Jenn Sterger Will Be New York Jets Captain Monday Night (Satire)
At his press conference yesterday, Rex Ryan shocked the entire room by announcing that Jenn Sterger, former New York Jets "Gameday Host" and current host of Versus' The Daily Line, would be signed to a one-day contract so that she could serve as a team captain for the coin toss against the Minnesota Vikings on Monday night.
"Obviously we think Jenn can bring a lot to our offense on Monday night," Ryan joked. "No, I'm just screwing with you guys, we signed her and made her a captain so that she could go out for the coin toss and get one good look into Favre's eyes."
Of course Jenn Sterger is the woman behind the recent report about Minnesota Vikings quarterback Brett Favre's indiscretions. Although the reports have not been verified, deadspin.com recently posted an audio clip reputedly containing Favre's voice asking Sterger to come to his hotel, as well as photos that are allegedly of Favre's penis that were texted to her.
Ryan did something similar, but not as insane, when he made third string quarterback Kevin O'Connell a captain for last season's Week 2 game against the Patriots, O'Connell's former team.
"We won when I pulled that stunt," Ryan said, "so I don't see why this won't work any similar. In fact, this should work better. Kevin O'Connell was a slapdick quarterback, do you really think sending him out for that coin toss had any effect on Belichick?"
"This time we're dealing with intense psychological warfare, I'm talking Vlad the Impaler type stuff. We're going to take Favre's mental fortitude and impale it on a stake of T and A. Hopefully we can get him to throw a couple interceptions more than the two or three he usually throws a game."
When asked if the use of such tactics were insensitive to Favre, who is a grandfather that has been married to his wife Deanna for 14 years, Ryan demurred, "are you kidding me? Football is war," he growled, "the New York Jets' objective is not just to bend you over on the football field, but to mindf@#k you as well."
"Look at that little bastard Danny Woodhead. Do you think we'd let that guy go if we weren't up to something? We slapped the Patriots around the field in Week 2 and blasted their confidence. Now they've traded Randy Moss and use Danny Woodhead regularly."
When pressed to elaborate on his point, seeing as Woodhead has scored twice in consecutive weeks as a Patriot, Ryan guffawed, "he scored in consecutive weeks against a CFL team and a group of gay sharks that wear teal and orange and boast Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony as minority owners."
Ryan seemed to focus intensely on the Miami Dolphins, who he said he wanted to beat badly before the season started. "I mean, they might be the only team in football that have uniforms that don't look stupid with the pink Breast Cancer Awareness trim."
"Um...where was I?" Ryan asked. "Oh, right! Woodhead. What that morose MILF hunter Belichick doesn't know is that Woodhead has that Webster disease. We planted him on their roster because we know how much New England fans love short white guys."
When a reporter pointed out that Emmanuel Lewis did not actually suffer from any disorder, he was just short, Ryan looked surprise, "I guess you learn something new everyday," he said.
Another reporter asked who was cut for Sterger, and if Ryan saw it as a wise decision to cut whoever it was for a woman that wouldn't play the game.
"Well, that's the other big announcement that the organization would like me to make. We've decided to cut Braylon Edwards for his past troubles."
With that statement, an uproar took over the press room. When order was regained, and a follow-up question was asked, Ryan broke into a cocky simper, "Naw, I'm just f#$king with ya! Why in the hell would we ever cut Braylon Edwards? He can play football. You know who can't play football? Vernon Gholston. That's why we cut his ass. And if you ask me, it's questionable who is more manly, Sterger or Gholston."
Asked about his recent praise of Gholston, Ryan gave the reporter a dead stare, "Are you serious? I was just trying to talk him up and give him confidence, but at some point all the pep-talks in the world won't alleviate suck." Ryan paused for a minute before continuing, "and when there's no more room for pep-talks there's only room for one thing, ridicule."
Before another question could be asked, Ryan reached under the podium while speaking, "I just want to add that Jenn Sterger will not be suiting up this Monday...this is what she will be wearing," Ryan said as he emerged from behind the podium holding a two-piece, Jets green bikini.
A female reporter immediately took affront to this announcement and shouted over another reporter, "you can't be serious? First the Ines Sainz incident and now objectifying this young woman by making her wear a bikini at midfield?"
At this point Rex Ryan glared at the female reporter, "listen here sweet tits..." as Ryan said this the female reporter stomped out of the room, but Ryan continued on, "Ms. Sterger is all for this. What self-promoting individual wouldn't be? This is Monday night football we're talking about, a national audience. And as for that little chiquita, do you morons really think that whole stunt wasn't staged? We did it to make the Patriots think we'd be distracted."
"I'm like a cross between Lombardi, Machiavelli, and Larry Flynt," Ryan said, throwing his hands up in the air simultaneously. With that, Ryan pulled a beer out from under the podium, cracked it open, and chugged it down before tossing the empty can at Gary Myers of the New York Daily News as he walked off stage.
After Ryan left, the Jets Director of Media Relations, Bruce Speight, walked to the podium. "And now we'd like to bring out General Manager Mike Tannenbaum to answer some questions."
Speight hardly finished his sentence before Mike Tannenbaum walked out, outfitted in dominatrix attire, and leading Jets owner Woody Johnson, dressed as a gimp, by a chain...
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